Promise of a New Day

Tim Woods was one of those guys who couldn’t catch a break. Everything he did went sour. Like the time he settled in for a romantic evening with himself and he accidentally typed “Pornhub.com” as his Facebook status. Or when he learned to never trust a fart. Especially at a singles mixer. Still, every morning he’d wake up, look in the mirror and say, “Tim, today things are going to change. Today is YOUR day! Grab it by the balls!” Every morning he was convinced “today was a new day.” By mid- afternoon he’d be beaten back down. Some girl would trip and splash scorching hot coffee on his crotch or he’d have no cash when his metro card ran out and he’d have to walk home, or he’d find out the hard way that there was shellfish in the pasta primavera.

Bookkeeping work suited his shy ways and that’s what he did at a small adult entertainment shop in Sunset Park, Brooklyn. “Pleasures and Treasures” was owned by David and Harriet Hendler. Originally David wanted to name the place something like “Slippery When Wet” or “The Snatch Patch” but Harriet was a classy lady and back in 1978 when they opened the place there were rules about such things. So Pleasures and Treasures it was.

David Hendler walked like a man-shaped water balloon, jiggling with every step. He dabbed sweat from his hairy neck and flushed brow so often it became a tick. That Wednesday morning he had an extra bounce in his step and a gleam in his eye.

“Happy Hump Day!” Hendler gave a wink before slurping from the boob-shaped coffee cup. Tim peered over his readers which were held together with masking tape at the ear.

“Thanks, Dave. What’s up?” Tim smiled. He liked Dave. He was a good dude and a decent boss.

“I have good news and bad news.” Hendler squeezed himself into the armchair across from Tim’s desk, grunting until he got settled. “We’re retiring, Tim. Harriet wants to travel before we die, which I hope is soon if I have to spend so much time with her” he laughed but there was obviously some truth to his words.

“Is that the good news or the bad news?” Tim tensed up, ready for the other shoe to drop. It always did, and it usually weighed 50 lbs and landed on his bare foot.

“Depends on your perspective, Timmy old boy” sometimes Dave put on the Groucho Marx voice. It suited him too well.

"Harriet's cousin Julie is gonna take over here. We told her to keep you on, but you know. It's up to her now. I'm sorry we didn't give you more notice. It happened so fast."

Great. Just what Tim needed. A woman boss. Not that he had anything against women. He just had no luck with the ladies. They didn't find him attractive or charming or funny. They never seemed to have any use for him. He'd surrendered to the idea that he would never marry and would die alone with a load of crap in his shorts.

Sometimes Tim would get on Match or OKCupid and try to go on dates. There was the time he started getting close to a woman and they went back to her place. Right as they were getting heavy into it he got a massive Charlie horse and fell off the bed doubled over in pain. The girl laughed at him and called it a night. He tried to play it off like he was cool with it but... It stung. And it made him even more hesitant with women.

"You'll like Julie. She's smart. A real straight shooter.”

"I appreciate your telling me, Dave. I'm happy for you guys."

A woman with a gelatinous face framed by fluffy brown hair strode into the office and hugged Dave.

"Here she is!" Dave beamed with pride "Julie, this is Tim. He's wonderful. Tim, Julie, your new boss. I'll let you guys get acquainted." and he jiggled his way out of the office into the store.

"Well, this is awkward" Tim said trying to break the ice.

"Not at all. I'm excited to take over the store. I've been telling Harriet for years they should change it up. It could be a real destination if they could make it more modern." Tim looked her up and down. She wasn't the beauty queen type and he imagined she spent most Saturday nights with battery operated companions.

“I don’t plan on making too many changes, maybe brightening the place up, gearing it more toward women. We could do an evening of cocktails once a month.” When she said “cocktails” she emphasized the “cock” part and gave him a spastic wink. “We’re changing the name too, The G Spot! Isn’t that a goodie?” she laughed and he couldn’t help but smile along with her.

On the train home Tim had a renewed sense of hope. Julie seemed cool and he liked the idea of new energy in the shop. Maybe it was just the change he needed.

An old woman sat fidgeting next to him, distracting Tim from his reverie. She opened her old Nokia flip-phone then flipped it closed again. She did this repeatedly for a while then turned to him and said “Every time the train stops in the tunnel I get really scared this is it." Her voice quivered, "Is this it?” Tim tried to comfort her, letting her know they would be just fine. She rambled on about her anxiety and that she felt like she was losing her mind. Her eyes went wild and her head shook. He didn’t even see the straight razor coming when she slashed his throat right there on the R train during rush hour. Nobody noticed Tim’s corpse traveling back and forth from Brooklyn to Queens until after 2 am when the train stopped short and he flopped over on his side and tumbled to the floor.