Our love languages don’t mesh.
Loving you is reminding me why love hurts.
Sitting back, waiting for you to decide you would like to actually be present and talk to me is reminding me why it is better to just be alone instead of being alone next to someone you are supposed to feel connected to.
Knowing you are a good man, but that you cannot love me like I need to be loved is breaking my heart.
Love is a fluid language. Some people need love that touches them. Some need more love that sparks their soul. Some are perfectly content with little to no words and being apart more than you are together. The thing is, people have to find those who love like they do. No amount of feelings, compassion, physical touch can fix something broken if you don't love the same. You must speak the same language when it comes to the love needed.
As I sit here, I am memorizing the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh at a stupid video on your phone. I am watching how that one tiny mustache hair is crazy and dances when you breathe. I am noticing that little scar above your eyebrow and how it looks like the moon. And I am realizing that you'd never take the time to sit there and notice any of those little things about me. You'd never just stare and feel like you could listen to me breathing for hours and be happy with it. You'd never ask about how I like my coffee, or what my favorite color was, or how I got that scar on my knee. Because you don't care about the details. You don't care what tiny particles in life came together to shape who I am like I do about you. You don't care to think about me when we can't see each other for a week. You don't care to miss me at all, and if you do, you don't care to tell me. You say you love me and call me beautiful, which I used to swoon over. Now I cringe because I know you're saying it just to say it and there is no real meaning behind it.
I am beginning to understand that no matter how much I love you, it can't fix the gap between us. It can't make us better. It can't heal the wounds you carry with you. Sometimes, two good people are just not good for each other. I've felt more alone next to you than I have by myself. And that hurts. Instead of repeatedly hurting myself with you, I realize that it is for the best to walk away. So you can find someone who loves like you do, with little to no effort put forth. Someone who can be content never having a conversation, never having to hear from you, never excited to see you even if they just saw you yesterday. You'd enjoy that because that is how you love. My love is different. I show it. I will go above and beyond to make sure you feel safe, protected, wanted, and respected. I will give all that I can give if you need me too. But by giving and giving and giving I am becoming empty. With you as your number one priority, and you (and us) as my number one priority, no one is putting me first in any way. I need to now put me first. As hard as it will be to let you go, to never see those crinkles around your beautiful eyes again. To never hear the laugh I love again. To never hold your rough, working man's hand again. It will hurt for a long time. But it will hurt less knowing that I was brave enough to fight for myself. To let you go find what it is that would make you happy, and let myself one day find a love like mine.