Attempts
I
the first time i chased death
to ask him
why it was like this
it was a bottle of rubbing alcohol
a sip pulling against my lips
the cool burn on my taste buds
like vodka
if it was trying to kill you
and death told me to try again
i wasn't ready for the answer
II
the second time
i was in my backyard
and i thought of how judas
felt what he had done
i wondered if the knives
under my ribcage
would hurt
the monsters
if i pulled them out
i felt a lions claws on my hip
like three months prior
i felt the way my insides
were left empty
and the sharp marks across
hipbones
and thighs
i asked death again
in a message under
a bottle of hydrocodone
a few white pills that slipped
one by one
down my throat
11 total
after death left me alone to think
and the hospital dragged the life back in me
i told them it would never happen again
III
i was being pulled
in every direction
and no one was listening to the screams
plaguing my sleep
i screamed one last time and said
done
I was empty
of feeling
of hope
of care
Apathy handed me 40 pills
and down they went
every pill I could find
was filling the emptiness
i was made to tell
and damn did i fight and scream and sobb
i fussed until a needle was stuck in my arm for a week
and I still felt numb
this time i wasn't looking for death
but he found me
and told me
the truth