Breathe.
Breathe. Stretch. Begin. Roll the head. A single hand reaches. It doesn’t grasp anything. The head tilts. Blinks. Two arms pushing upward. Chest forward, legs buckling to catch the body. Up, up, til the legs can support the rest without the arms. Look forward, blankly. Nothing there. Shake the head irritably, dislodge those pesky thoughts. Like gnats, buzzing in the brain.
Push outward. Hit something. Bars. This is a cage. The only out is in front. Walk toward it. A white light, white noise, fills the area. Can’t think, only breathe. Silence everywhere. There is an ocean, waves crashing noisily. Don’t hear anything. Feet push forward, relentlessly.
Water lapping hungrily at toes, pulling inward. Powerless to escape, cages surround. Pursuing freedom. Reach forward, nothing there. Crash to knees, bow the head. Arms pull together, clutching at air. A single tear rolls down, tracing an invisible path.
The tide get higher, waves crashing against bloody knees, stinging when the salt seeps in. Pounding on bruises yellowed with time, a stomach too hollow to do anything but ache dully. It would be easy, so easy to just end it now. Nothing and no one left to say goodbye to.
One last desperate gesture, stand up. Futile, meaningless. Stare out with defiance against the ocean. Don’t keep going forward. Pound on the bars of the cage, look for an escape. There is none to be found. Keep trying. Useless.
Who locked this cage? Who created it? Does it matter? Not anymore.
The tide continues to roll in, almost at chest level. Old scars itch when they get wet. Give up, give in. No point in fighting what can not be controlled. Might as well embrace it. Take one step forward, two. Don’t fall down, just keep walking. The water reaches the chin, the tightly shut mouth. A scream is building up, tugging on the last few wisps of air stuck in tired lungs. But when the mouth opens, only water flows in. The scream dies a silent death, broken by the sea.
Without air, without hope, the body starts to crumple. Fists clutch at the sandy floor, hoping that by holding on to something they might... survive? The surface is only a few feet away, but each foot is a mile down here. Brain starts to become fuzzy, desperate for something it can’t have. Lungs are crying out for relief, feet are pounding, the whole body seems to be fighting with a terrible defiance.
Except for the heart. The lonely heart, content, calm to pursue this path to its inevitable closure. Peaceful, perhaps overly so. The heart has never fit in, never got along with anyone or anything. Always searching for... something. Never finding it.
It has finally been found.
The ocean crashes again. Somehow, the fists are dislodged, the body sent surging upward toward the surface by pure chance. Air seeps into the nose, and the lungs are almost confused as to what to do with this new life. A gasp, a scream, a shout into the abyss. The heart is the only thing that does not rejoice at this sudden second chance.
Arms thrash instinctively, pulling toward the now distant shore. The ocean is both a help and a hinderance, pushing the body forward, and then pulling back again. Mocking. Almost there, almost to land, and then back into the sea again.
At last! Feet touch down, finally on the ground again. Almost there, almost free. The cage is still there, still surrounding. But it is no longer locked, sealed shut.
Push against the cage. It swings open on an invisible hinge, crumbling into nothing but dust and broken dreams. Take the first step outward, into that terrible unknown which all secretly fear. A second step, and then a third. Completely free of the cage.
This is a strange freedom, turned sour with fear and bitter with longing. Break into a run, flee the cage, howl in anger at the unjustness of it all. There is nowhere to run to.
Alone, alone on this beach, alone in this world. Where is everyone else? Is there anyone else anymore? Such a lonely, lonely place to be.
Turn back. Stand still. The sun is setting, bleeding red into the sea. Pinks and oranges shimmer in the sky, but the eyes are only willing to see the red, bloody and hateful. The heart beats angrily, to the tune of the setting sun.
Come back, come back. Embrace this end, accept it. Already did, once before. Surely the second time around it will actually end.
Snarl, break the bonds. Face away from the ocean, toward the emptiness, toward the loneliness, toward life and all of its horrifying failures. Hands clenched into furious fists, toes curling with hatred. This world is undeserving, unwelcoming, unloving. Why stay?
There is a freedom offered, by both paths. One is calling sweetly, promises of eternal peace dripping with honied words. The other is a snarling beast, honest in its chaos, unapologetic in its fury. All too often, the most beautiful beginnings end in misery. At least the miserable beginnings are honest.
A smile twitches, pulling up the corners of chapped lips. Choose, one way or the other. Follow it. To its end, bitter and sweet, terrifying and beautiful, hot with fury and cold with longing. Escape the cage, find the freedom that never was and never will be.
Breathe.