That’s Why I’m Here

Chapter One

It was half past midnight when Jenny Miller-Stevens parked her car by the curb and cut the engine, being sure to keep the radio playing softly in the background; otherwise, the complete silence might just drive her crazy. She sat there, with the music providing a low hum of white noise as she gazed at the house three doors down and across the street. She had a fairly good view from her car, a half-smile creeping onto her face as she studied the house.

On its own, it was a rather unremarkable house; not too big or too small, two stories tall, white with black shutters and a bright red door. Jenny’s eyes traveled slowly over each detail, her history with this house and its occupants giving the house an added sentimental value.

The front lawn, immaculately maintained with the rich green grass trimmed perfectly, the flower beds in the left corner closest to the street displaying brightly hued flowers that were dulled only by the dark of night. Jenny smiled as she recalled the beautiful perfectionist who lived here and her insistence that a well-kept lawn was the first part of making a great first impression.

Jenny’s eyes moved to the windows and the translucent white curtains that allowed light in during the day while maintaining the privacy of the interior from the streets.

Jenny’s fond smile faltered as her gaze landed on the two car garage attached to the right side of the house. She lingered over the door on the left, taking a moment to admire the seamless repair job that had been done to it. If Jenny didn’t know first hand how it had been ruined, she would never be able to tell from looking.

Jenny leaned back in her seat as she closed her eyes and let the memory wash over her of that day…the day her entire world changed forever and she lost everything she held dear.

Flashback

It would be at least three hours until Rebecca came home from work and Jenny was home with their five-year-old son Michael. She had just finished the last beer in the house and she decided she didn’t want to wait for her wife to get home, so she got Michael into his booster seat in the car and got behind the wheel.

Jenny knew she wasn’t sober but she didn’t think she was drunk either. She was just buzzed, nothing major and after the last three months of living between buzzed and drunk she was sure she’d be fine to drive the five blocks to the liquor store and back.

Jenny intended to put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway, however, she wasn’t at her best and accidentally put the car in drive. When she pressed down on the accelerator to back out of the driveway, she instead went forward and crashed through the garage door.

Most people at this point would’ve turned the car off and gotten out, checked on their child and realized they should just wait until they were sober. But Jenny, with a small shake of her head, just put the car into reverse and backed out, not even stopping to check the damage. She drove to the store and made it back to the house safely but that was hardly the point after the damage to the garage door.

Jenny got Michael back into the house and settled into his playroom just off the family room as she settled back onto the couch to watch the rest of the football game she had interrupted to get more beer.

When Rebecca got home a couple of hours later that was where she found Jenny. The discussion that quickly escalated into an argument about the garage door, Jenny’s drinking and her irresponsibility led to Rebecca reaching the end of her patience with her wife and relegating her to the couch for the night and demanding she move out the next day.

Jenny opened her eyes and absently noticed tears running down her face. It had taken her a year to get to this point in her life. After Rebecca had kicked her out, Jenny had gone to live with her parents for a bit, thinking this would blow over and Rebecca would calm down and invite her back home. Jenny just had to be patient.

When a week became a month and a month stretched into two, Jenny had to admit to herself that maybe Rebecca wasn’t going to back down this time. Jenny continued to drink the whole time, not realizing that it was her drinking that was keeping Rebecca away, no Jenny had rationalized that it had to be something else, anything other than the truth which was that her drinking was ruining her life.

It didn’t help that her parents didn’t exactly stop her. They took the position that she was a grown woman and could make her own choices. They didn’t bring alcohol into the house but they also didn’t stop Jenny from bringing it in either.

Jenny wiped away the tears as she sat there, looking at the house she used to share with her wife and son. They were still legally married but separated and Jenny hadn’t been in the same room with either of them in over a year. Rebecca had refused to let Jenny see Michael until she stopped drinking and, in the haze of alcohol that seemed to follow her around, Jenny had shrugged it off at the time, thinking that she would see him when he came to visit his grandparents.

That plan backfired when her parents agreed to only see Michael at Rebecca’s and to never bring him near Jenny. They could clearly see the road Jenny was on and they had sided with Rebecca in the matter.

It took another four months for Jenny to get sober. She would stop drinking, and last maybe a week but something would always set her off and she’d have a drink. This start and stop loop she had fallen into would go on for another four months as she struggled to understand and control the demons that drove her to drink.

Sitting on the small, brown leather couch in the therapist’s office, Jenny looked around at all the degrees on the walls and the random pieces of art. Slowly she tuned back in to what the doctor was saying to her, even if it wasn’t something she wanted to hear.

“So, Jenny, tell me about…Christina.” The therapist, Dr. Alicia Mercera, had a low, deep, modulated voice that seemed to drip with honey. It was soothing and Jenny felt drawn to the comfort it seemed to provide. However, the topic she had just chosen stole that comfort away and left Jenny feeling…exposed.

“I don’t want to talk about her.”

“That’s too bad because she seems to be the root of the problem here and until you talk about her, we won’t make any progress and you won’t get any better Jennifer.” Alicia deliberately used the formal version of Jenny’s name, a way to garner her attention.

Jenny’s head shot up as she made eye contact with the Latina doctor. “Don’t call me that.” Only Rebecca had ever called her Jennifer, and that was usually in the throes of passion or when they were alone and she wanted to flirt with her. Hearing anyone else use that name was too painful and seemed...wrong like she was cheating on her wife.

Alicia nodded, knowing the significance of Jenny’s request. “Alright, but you need to talk about Christina.”

Jenny sighed, she knew this was coming, there would be no avoiding it now that it was out there and she looked down at her hands as she thought about the daughter she never got to raise. “Christina was…perfect.”

Christina was the child that Jenny had given birth to a year ago. She was conceived using the same donor that had given them Michael except that this time around, Jenny had carried the baby. Rebecca had carried Michael and due to a complication during childbirth, she was no longer able to have children. So Jenny had gotten pregnant and suffered through ten months of morning sickness, weight gain, fluctuating hormones and general discomfort to bring their beautiful daughter into the world.

Everything was perfect, their little family was complete and Jenny had never been happier in her life. A month later, it all came crashing down.

“Perfect?”

“Yes. She was a quiet baby, never really crying or fussing unless she was hungry or needed to be changed. She slept through the night almost right away. She was…perfect.” Jenny stopped there, the tears threatening to take her over.

“So what happened?” Alicia knew the facts, the details of what happened but she needed Jenny to tell her in her own words. Jenny needed to say the words to begin the healing process.

Jenny took a deep breath, “She died of SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, one minute she was alive and healthy and perfect and the next…she was gone. I went into her nursery that morning, to get her up and ready for the day, and she didn’t wake up. It was too late and…she was gone.”

Jenny broke down in the car, the memories of her daughter washing over her. Christina’s death was the catalyst. Losing her daughter like that, with no explanation, no reason, no warning, just a random moment in time was too much for Jenny to handle and she had soon turned to alcohol to dull the pain. It hadn’t helped that Rebecca seemed to bounce back faster than she had, her wife had gone back to work three days after the funeral. To all outward appearances, Rebecca had gotten over the loss of their daughter in record time and it left Jenny feeling even more isolated than ever, thinking she was alone in her grief.

Her parents were sympathetic but they too seemed to be over it after a few weeks. Jenny had no way of knowing just how devastated they were, how utterly destroyed Rebecca was over Christina’s death because they never told her and, once the alcohol took a hold of her, Jenny wasn’t able to see the signs anyway.

In her alcohol induced mind, she only saw everyone else moving on with their lives and forgetting all about Christina. Rebecca’s brother, David, had been tasked with taking apart the nursery and had managed to get it done in one day while Rebecca took Jenny and Michael out for lunch. Jenny’s lunch had been mainly liquid with a few bites of a hamburger to keep Rebecca happy.

The rage Jenny had displayed when they got home and the nursery was gone had scared Rebecca but she had rationalized it away, thinking it was a fair reaction to the shock of seeing the nursery gone…especially when she hadn’t told Jenny she was having it taken down. For Rebecca, keeping it up was too painful and she had hoped that with it gone, Jenny might also be able to move forward.

Jenny took a deep breath and let her gaze wander back to the house, wondering for a moment what would happen if she just walked up to the door and rang the bell. She knew she couldn’t just walk in, even if Rebecca hadn’t changed the locks, it wasn’t her house anymore. Jenny sighed as she leaned her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes, knowing she wasn’t going to be ringing that doorbell tonight.