The Beaten Path

Chapter One

My tongue burned and a lump grew in the back of my throat. I wanted so bad to cry but I didn’t want him to know how upset I was. I rolled over on my left side. I remember reading somewhere it was healthier to sleep on your left side while carrying a child. I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. How could I let this happen? I can’t have a child with him. Not him. It’s the only reason I’m marrying him. That’s what you’re supposed to do. That’s what everyone wants me to do, I think. It doesn’t matter what I want. All I care about anymore is this baby. I want everything to be perfect for him. He’ll come into this world with a mom and a dad and a nice little house. Everything will be perfect. Except it’s not. Although it appears to be to everyone else. Nobody even knows. And he makes sure of it.

The next morning was strange. Jerold left for work but I felt like he was still there. I felt like he was there, watching me. I made a bowl of cereal. It was one of the only things we had to eat. We could barely afford to eat. How are we going to afford a baby if we can’t even buy enough food to fill a shelf? We didn’t think of that when we were fucking. All we thought about was how good it felt and how much we wanted it to last forever. Little did I know that it would last forever.

My phone rang and it was him. “Hello?” I said as if I didn’t know who it was on the other line. I knew it was him but I was hoping I was somehow wrong and I’d be talking to someone else by now, someone more pleasant.

“What are you going to do today?” he asked in a demanding tone.

“I’m not sure. I have laundry to do at my mom’s house.” I felt like I was being interrogated. I didn’t want to tell him anything. I just wanted to go about my day without talking to him or seeing him. That’s impossible with a man like him though. Who was I kidding? He’s not a man, he’s still a boy. And I’m going to have a baby with him.

“Okay, well don’t spend any money!” he said, but it felt as if he shouted it.

“I won’t,” I whispered. My voice was so transparent. I know he could feel the fear in me. That’s what he wants. He wants me to be scared. And I am. I’m scared of him and what he can do. He’s crazy. I am in over my head and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get out of this mess. One thing’s for sure, I have a responsibility to this baby and I’m not going to disappoint him.

“I love you,” he said before ending the call. What does he know about love? He’s never been in love. He loves the idea of it, but he doesn’t have the ability. “I love you too,” I lied just to appease him. I’m finding that it’s easier to just agree with him rather than start another fight. After last night I don’t want anymore conflict between us. He always wins anyway. He’s stronger than me.

I finished my cereal but I still felt hungry. I haven’t gained a lot of weight. I’ve thrown up more than I have eaten most days. I’m sick all the time. I don’t know why they call it morning sickness. I’m sick morning, day and night. The smell of everything makes me want to puke my brains out. And I almost have. My eyes were bloodshot for a week straight from straining so hard during one of my episodes. How can this baby possibly grow on what little I can keep in my body? I do enjoy my slim, yet pregnant figure though. Before I got knocked up I was a little chubby. I ate a lot while I was in college. I guess I was an emotional eater. And I didn’t really care what I was putting into my body. Another reason why I got pregnant. Anyway, I have to figure out how I’m going to finish college. I worked too hard to give up now. I don’t want to be a drop out. I don’t care if I have to walk down the isle to get my diploma with a baby slung to my chest; I will get there one way or another.

I ignored my hunger and slung a bag of laundry over my shoulder. It wasn’t much. I only had a few things that fit me now. Everything I used to wear was now either too big on my bottom or too little on my top. It won’t be long though and I’ll have twice as much to wash. The idea of folding tiny baby clothes made me smile. For a moment I felt like the world stopped just for me to enjoy the thought. I loaded the laundry up in the back of my station wagon and drove to my mom’s house. It wasn’t far. She only lived a few blocks away. I was happy she lived so close. I didn’t feel so isolated. Although I know that’s what Jerold wanted. He wanted me to be alone, to feel like I had no help. I really didn’t have help though. My mom wasn’t worried about my condition. She wasn’t concerned at all about how I was treated. All she cared about was how her first grandchild was going to come too early. She wasn’t ready to be a grandma. What the hell? I wasn’t ready to be a mom. Didn’t she think about how I felt in all this? She blamed me for everything. I should have been more careful. I should have waited to get pregnant. She didn’t realize that I was caught in a trap. This was all a trap and I fell for it. Did he try it on other girls but they were too smart for his sneaky ways? How could I be so stupid? I thought he was different. He seemed so charming at first. He had this confidence about him. I was so attracted to it. I didn’t have confidence. I wanted it, but I didn’t know how to get it or how he got it. I found out later that it was fake. He wasn’t confident. Not without controlling people. I found out later that it was all a show. It was to trick me into loving him, trusting him. Letting him plant his seed inside me. Now, it’s in there growing, and I have to be with him because of it.

“Melinda?” my mom called me from the kitchen.

“It’s me” I answered. I walked right in without knocking. “I have a load of laundry to do.”

“Okay, that’s fine. I’m running late for work so I can’t talk.”

My mom was always running late for work. She didn’t have to be there until 9:00, but getting out of the house on time was a challenge for her every morning.

“I’m quitting work,” she hollered from her bedroom. By now I was busy loading my clothes into the running water in the washer. I couldn’t hear a thing she was saying.

“What?” I called out. “I can’t hear over the noise.”

She walked back into the kitchen. The tiny laundry room was just off the kitchen. I was standing there with my laundry bag wishing she could wait until I sat down before she told me what she had to say. I wasn’t that big, but I was big enough to be uncomfortable standing.

“I’m quitting work. I have enough savings.” She said as if it was a daring dream of hers but she wasn’t sure of it.

“That’s great news!” I congratulated her. She didn’t like her job anyway. And besides, she would be home more and I could ask her in a couple months to help me watch the baby so I could finish school. Not now though. She won’t like the idea. It’s all about timing with my mom. I just kept the idea bottled up inside my head saved for another day. “What are you going to do with all your time?” I probed her.

“I’m going to start a garden and travel more. I don’t even know everything yet.” She exclaimed.

“Sounds great.” I said. I should have been jealous. I wasn’t. But I should have been. She had divorced my dad years earlier and set herself free from his alcoholism. She was an independent woman now. She owned her own home and made her own money. She didn’t have to answer to any man. So, there was a lot for me to be jealous about. I just didn’t feel it. I felt more concern for her than anything. I felt like she settled. I’m not going to do that. I don’t know how I’m going to make something of myself. I definitely have some challenges now that I’m expecting a baby and getting married to a man I don’t love. Okay, so I have a lot of challenges. But tribulations didn’t stop Thomas Edison from inventing the light bulb or Vincent Van Gogh from painting The Mona Lisa. It’s possible. I just have to find a way.

Chapter Two

“Melinda?!” my mom tried snapping me out of the daze I was in. Frankly, a daze was kind of nice right now.

“Sorry, Mom.” I said. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“It’s okay. I’ll talk to you later. When I quit work we’ll have a lot more time to talk.” She told me.

I did look forward to that. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely. It’s odd and ironic to feel lonely when you are pregnant. I couldn’t help but feel out of place. Or feel like the world was moving faster than I could keep up with it.

My mom left and the house was quiet, with the exception of the washing machine rumbling in the other room. There was no door to cage the noise. It took over the house. I was just happy to sit down and rest my legs. I flipped through a parenting magazine I brought with me, reading as much as I could about taking care of a baby. I babysat when I was younger, and I was a nanny for a year in high school. I was hoping that was enough practice for me. Although, the more I read in the magazine, the more I realized there was a lot more to parenting than what I experienced as a babysitter. All the doctors’ appointments, keeping up with the shots, washing the baby’s clothes in the right laundry detergent…sounded overwhelming. I took a break from reading. I wasn’t gong to remember all that information anyway.

The washing machine started peeping. I got up to put the clothes in the dryer. I felt light headed. I must have stood up too quickly. I knew it was time to eat again. I put the clothes in the dryer and fumbled through my mom’s pantry. Nothing good. I did find a tub of peanut butter and I knew that would fill me up. I got a big spoonful and ate it just because I knew I needed it, not because I liked it.

After the clothes were done I decided not to fold them. I like them to be nice and neat. If I folded them here, then tried to bag them up and take them home I would be disappointed. This is one thing I have control of and I’m not going to mess it up. I threw them in the bag and headed home.

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