Faith

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

– Hebrews 11:1

Faith. A strange thing. The dictionary defines it as “Complete trust or confidence in someone or something”. Somebody once described it to me as sitting in a chair and hoping that you don’t fall. That just made no sense to me. Because, you see, you don’t really need faith to sit in that chair. You don’t need to hope you don’t fall. You can see it, the condition it is in, whether it can hold you. If you are going to sit in that chair, it is because you look at it and you know that it’s going to be safe. Now faith, that is something else entirely. Faith is deciding to go outside without an umbrella in October without checking the weather. Faith is driving from Iowa City to Boulder, Colorado without looking at a map. Faith transcends what our five senses can tell us. If you asked me a year ago, I wouldn’t have called any of that faith. I would have called it stupidity.

2016 was a very interesting year for me. It was the year where so much had gone bad in my life, that something good had to be coming.

“Do you believe in God?”

We were standing outside the library. It was late April, but still, a little cold outside. I just got a phone call, that sent me reeling into my childhood. Not a place I wanted to be. Ever.

Christina, whom I met through Ballroom Dancing, was studying with me when the call came. She could see that I was very shaken. So, a few minutes later, there we were, outside the library, talking about people, things, good and evil, and somehow, the conversation turned to God.

“Do you believe in God?” she asked me. 

I was staring into the night, trying to look at small moving objects in the distance, seeing what they were doing, so I can avoid thinking about the phone call. 

I turned to Christina and said “I don’t know. I used to as a kid, but now, I don’t think so. I could just as easily believe in aliens as easily as I do in God. I mean, he might be there, he might not…I don’t know. I am not someone who can make that judgement, so I choose to let those who want to, believe.” 

I smiled sheepishly, not knowing if that was what she was looking for. 

“Well, I believe in God, and I think that he is pretty cool with the fact that you think he MIGHT exist.” I looked at her. “But I think he’d love for you to know Him even better than that”. 

She’s kidding, right?

“Come to Church with me.”

Nope, she’s not.

“Christina, I don’t see how that will help anything. I told you, I don’t really believe in God.”

“Well, what will you lose? Just try it. Come with me this Sunday, and if you don’t like it, you won’t have to go ever again”.

A year later now, I still go to Church.

For nearly 10 years I’ve been searching for something that would make my life more than just about me. Some sort of meaning. God gave me that. God finally let me find myself… in Him. I am still me, but also so much more.

Like right now: I am walking outside, and can’t help but see how amazing everything around me is. All the grass, with the early morning dew dripping from it, the trees giving out their sweet, green, smell, the butterflies with their reds and blues and yellows, the fireflies lighting up the dark, the water, the air, me, you, everything. It’s all so big. It is as though I have been seeing things in a new light ever since I found God. I couldn’t tell at first, but now, I know why. I had lost the ability to hate. When that happens, when you no longer feel the dark, burning desire to destroy someone with all you have, when you know that you are loved and accepted no matter who you are, or what you have seen or done, living becomes so much easier.

It was on the 12th of June that I accepted Jesus into my heart. About 2 months since I began going to Church. We were in worship. It was why I kept going. For the worship. There was something about the singing that made me happier than I ever was. It made me want to go back, so I could feel that again, and again, and again.

As we were singing that day, I could hear someone in my mind. “I love you Stephen. I love you, my son. Come to me today”. It sounded like my own voice, but also distinctly different. Then the pastor took to the stage, and called for anyone who wanted to accept Jesus. “There is no other time Stephen”, the voice in my head told me, and so I went up.

A couple put their hands on me and asked me to close my eyes. I did. “Do you accept Jesus as your savior?” I do. “Do you open your heart to Jesus?” I do. I felt like a bride saying her vows and accepting her groom.

Then they began to pray for me. That was when something happened. Something like never before. It started as a tremble. My right leg began to shake on its own. A warmth slowly crept its way up from my feet to my chest.

The voice in my head began to speak. I did not know what language, and yet, understood what it was saying: 

“I love you father. I love you God.” 

“Je t’aime mon dieu, mon pere.” 

“Watashi wa anata o aishite iru watashinochichi.”

 Soon I realized I was saying it out loud. 

“Yes sirum yem k’yez, Astvats im.”

 An unfamiliar, unbound happiness filled me. Unable to contain this happiness, I began to laugh, and so did everyone who touched me. I felt so light. Like a feather floating in the air. Like the air itself. I was later told that this was a sign of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I never thought something like this was possible. But I also knew, this was just the beginning, and I had so much farther to go.

I am in the car with Christina. It’s a Sunday morning. One of many, where she would pick me up from my apartment, take me to Church, and drop me back. We are having one of our discussions about God.

“You know Christina, I was just thinking the other day, there are so many ways I have to change. In fact, I have to be like you in certain ways.”

She looks at me, confused. “How so?”

“I have a very humanistic, see to believe kind of faith. I can feel myself doubting God, whether he really loves me, and whether he will come through for me, at every turn. I feel like you have so much more faith than I do.”

“But think of where you were this time last year – you didn’t even know God!”

She smiles at me. “Your faith is growing by leaps and bounds! Don’t belittle that. And remember – you need to grow in your understanding of the faith you already have. We both have the same amount of faith, I’ve just had it longer, and so figured out a few more ways of using it.”

She’s right. 

Looking back a year ago, before I knew God, the nature of our discussion in this same car was so different.

“I mean, if God was really there, why can science not prove him? He’s got to leave some sort of evidence, right?” I asked her, almost intending to show her how wrong about God she was.

“The inability of science to explain something does not mean that it does not exist. Someday, we will have advanced enough to understand what we don’t today.” 

She looked at me to see if I was following. 

“Also, the concept of God is beyond space-time, which means that science cannot measure, or prove Him. He is not subject to our experiments. The proof of God is not in science or theology. It is in the complex nature of our faith. The things that our belief is capable of, is because faith enables God to work in our lives, hence proving him. So, for God to show you he exists, you must first believe.” 

What did she mean, ‘Faith’? I wondered.

I wake up with a start. My pillow is soaked. I look outside. There's a storm. Thunder and lightning cut through the rain and silence I am cocooned in. 

I’m okay. 

The clock reads 3 AM. 

I’m okay. It was just a dream. A very, very weird dream.

A cross. A giant cross leading into the clouds. Under it is a building. I am holding the doors open. People of all colors, ages, genders – everyone – were flooding in. Suddenly, police cars arrive, and they tell me to either let go of the doors, or they will shoot. I don’t let go. They begin shooting at me. I can feel the fear of being hit slowly take over me. I begin to let go, when a voice from a loudspeaker booms like thunder.

“Do not be afraid Stephen. Do not let all that is happening distract you. Fix your eyes on me, on who I am and what I have been doing. A new Great Awakening is here, and you will hold the door open for all who cry out to me, longing to be with me. Do not be afraid, do not waver in your sight, and do not let go of the door, for I am your God, and I am with you.”

This emboldens me, and I hold the door. 

He is with me. 

Soon enough, the police stop shooting, drop their guns, and come in. Judges walk out of courthouses, and bow down before the cross, before walking in. The sky seems to be turning red, and a storm seems to be coming, but everyone in the building were going to be safe.

Not knowing what this dream means, I decide to talk to our pastor. Pastor Dave is a friendly guy. He is built like a runner, which makes sense, as he did track in college. He wasn’t too old, but he sure was wise enough to have grayed hair and begin balding at 45. Pastor Dave, apart from Christina, is one of the few I trust. 

“What does it mean?” I ask, after telling him about it.

“Well, the Holy Spirit, when it comes to us, usually gifts us with a few of the 9 abilities that we can use to further God’s Kingdom on Earth: Words of Wisdom; Words of Knowledge; the Gift of Faith; the Gift of Healing; the Gift of Miracles; the Gift of Prophecy; Discernment of Spirits; The Gift of Tongues; and the Interpretation of Tongues.” 

He pauses, to let me take it in. 

“In your case, it seems like you have been gifted with the Gift of Prophecy. I don’t personally know a lot with this gift, but there definitely are people with it.”

“So… What does that do? Tell the future?”

Pastor Dave smiles knowingly. 

“Not exactly. See, the only person who can know the future is God himself. No, the Gift of Prophecy allows you to directly receive word from God, to give to others, or maybe because you need it yourself. Now your dream, I believe that this is God telling you that this will be the future, and what exactly you must do when the Great Awakening comes.”

What is he talking about? 

“Wait, so you’re actually telling me to believe there’s going to be a cross all the way up to the clouds, and all the world will fit in one building, and I will hold the door to that building open while cops SHOOT at me? Isn’t that a bit, um, unrealistic?”

“If you look at the physical world, yes. But you must understand, just as there is our physical world, the spiritual world is a real thing too. God, his kingdom, the fight with Satan, our souls, all of this is the spiritual world. Your dream may be far-fetched in the physical world, but think of it in the spiritual world. Think what the building under the cross means, what holding doors open means.” 

Pastor Dave is so excited, he practically yells at this point. 

“The Kingdom of Heaven! God is saying that you will lead many people to Heaven. You might have to face persecution, you will definitely feel fear, but in the end, keep your eyes on him, and remember what he said: He is with you.”

Well, to call that a blow to the head is an understatement. I feel weak, a little woozy even. This doesn’t even make sense. I’m a 20-year old guy, just trying to be happy. God helped me do that. That’s all this was supposed to be about. I didn’t ask to be thrust into some spiritual war. How am I supposed to know what to do? He told me to hold open the door. I don’t even know how to talk to people about God without feeling uncomfortable, how am I going to convince people to accept Him?

“Why do you seek without, that which is within?” I hear the Voice ask me.

“What is within? What am I looking for?” I ask back.

“Love, my son. Love everyone. Love like I love you. That is how you open the door to someone. For love covers over a multitude of sins.”

“But how can I save them?”

“You cannot, and you don’t need to. It is by my Grace that anyone is saved, and it is by their own choice that they must come to me. You cannot force them. It is up to them to choose me, but it is to you to show them what I am, so they may know what to choose. I am Love. Now go on, and walk. I shall be with you through every step.”

So here I am. A year from when I first found God. About to go in what seems to be an impossible, and absolutely unreal trajectory. Then, I remember a verse Christina gave me: 

‘Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. – Hebrews 11:1’.

This entire year, all I ever did, all I ever experienced was through Faith. I could have easily said no to Christina when she asked me to come to Church. I could have dismissed the Voice in my mind as me going crazy. I could have said that nothing happened during my Water Baptism. I could have passed off the Dream as nothing but a dream. But when I look back at everything that has happened this year, the way my life has been lined up, it is not something that happens by chance. I know it was not random. 

Is this knowledge what Faith is? The knowledge that God is leading me? That if I follow him, I can do all things?

Yes. Faith is trusting that God exists. Faith is confidence that God is good. Faith is assurance that God is with me. Faith is belief that what I have seen will come to pass. There is nothing for me to go on in terms of reality. There is no way I can prove that the Great Awakening was not just a dream. But I know God. I know who he is. I know what he has done for me. And so, I know the Great Awakening is coming, and I know I can open the doors to His Kingdom. 

This is faith.