LOOKING BACK

CPT 10: Banished

When Celia got home, she sat in her kitchen staring out the window feeling dumbfounded. She sensed a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that comes with the realization that something very bad had just happened.

Hey little guy! I miss you so much. On our last day together we rode your new bikes…remember? It was July 2nd. I was on Mom’s bike and you rode alongside me on yours, up and down a couple of streets. You looked good on that bike! I wonder if you have mastered the gear changing challenge. You are so adept I am sure you can get up and down hills now without a problem.

Laura always complimented her mother, Celia, on her devoted relationship with Jack. She often thanked Celia for being there to fill in with his care, saying that it enriched his life.

Today is Grand Parent’s Day at school!! I am heartbroken that I am not there with you. Hopefully your Grandparents Morrison are able to be with you. If so maybe that took some sting out of my not being there and surely it was fun for all of you. I would have loved to have picked you up early from extended day and taken you to the art museum where they have a wonderful exhibit on the Star Wars Costumes.

She had not wanted to go to their house that Saturday morning. Laura said John, Celia’s son-in-law, wanted to talk to Celia about her finances. Although Celia had never asked, Laura had offered to contribute to her expenses.

Celia had begged Laura, “Please, don’t make me talk to John”.

“It’s alright Mom”, Laura assured her. “He just wants to talk to you about your long term plans.”

When Celia arrived at their house, she was perplexed that Jack, her grandson, was in his bedroom with the door closed. He always came running to the front door or was on the steps waiting to greet her. Celia went to his room, opened the door and found him on his bed with his iPad.

He took off the head phones with a smile, “Hi Grandma!”

“Hi Jack, what are you watching?”

“Zootopia!” he said.

When I finish talking to Mom & Dad maybe we can go up to the garden”, she said. Celia had a plot at the community gardens and over the years Jack had learned and watched as he helped her plant her vegetables and flowers.

Celia returned to the living room and John, agitated, started talking. Celia, Laura and John had a triangular relationship. Whenever John was upset about something having to do with Celia he always communicated his distress to Laura. Laura would then communicate the issue with Celia. It was difficult for Celia. She felt John was abusive and narcissistic. But she never said a word. This time, however, he did all the talking.

Remember after the bike ride we drove up to my garden. You planted some carrots and picked a new tomato. Then you wanted some ice cream. Unfortunately we couldn’t find an ice cream store open at 11:00 a.m.! So I took you home. You jumped out of the car and ran inside….probably to get back to the movie Zootopia. We loved that movie…remember we went to see it together for the first time?

“I have lost sleep worrying.” John exclaimed, “Your finances affect all of us. We have hired an elder care attorney to mediate a plan.” He then gave Celia an ultimatum, “Meeting with this attorney is not negotiable,” he declared.

At that point Celia turned to her daughter who was looking down, fiddling with the hem of her blouse, hoping she would get some support. Instead, her daughter answered “It’s not negotiable Mom. You have to agree to meet with the attorney.” Celia was not sure what was meant by having a plan. She was not allowed to ask any questions or comment.

I wanted to talk to you before you left for camp with Noah. Not long ago we promised that we would never leave without saying goodbye. I wish you could find my phone number so you could call me. You are old enough to use the phone in the kitchen. Remember we practiced calling the number one afternoon while you were here. You used the phone upstairs and I was on my cell phone downstairs. We wrote my number down on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket. I also imagine that some time you will start out and walk the streets to my house. Remember we played a game and I had you direct me as I drove the car to my house. You showed which sidewalks to walk and streets to cross to get to my house. It would take a little time but maybe as you get bigger you can ride your bike and surprise me. I like to imagine you running around the corner of the fence to my back door. You would tell me all about camp, if you took golf lessons this summer and how you like 2nd grade.

The week before Laura had been on board to look at Celia’s finances. She had wanted to help. She said to Celia, “I want to talk to John about all this.”

Celia reminded her, “You need to make it clear that I have not asked for anything from you.” Celia had always managed financially and planned to continue to do so.

It was after Laura talked to John that Celia was summoned to their house. From that moment nothing was the same. Celia no longer recognized the person who was her daughter.

Every year at this time we go to my garden and you pick out your pumpkin. It sits on the porchat your house but the chipmunks always chomp away and destroy it. This year I left a pumpkin on the porch for you. Around the neck of the pumpkin was a card full of hugs and kisses and another envelope with some glue-on Halloween decorations. I wonder if you got it?

John continued, “So now you are 72 and evidently you expect us to pay for your retirement?” John continued. “You are going to wipe us out!” he fumed.

Celia had never made such a statement and in fact was still working. The comment descended so rapidly that the air came out of the room, the walls closing in on her. John was feeling his lack of control. Celia could not find any words to respond.

Tonight I will put a sack of your carrots on the front porch. They are BIG and you did a great job planting the seeds. I hope you get them. Do you like carrots? I miss taking you to the garden. I am starting to put it to bed for the winter. I could sure use your help.

Their approach was not a more caring “Mom, we have concerns. We’ve been thinking maybe an attorney could help. What do you think?” Celia was not allowed to comment nor answer any questions. Rather she was only given an ultimatum to meet with an attorney.

I am so sad. Today I found the carrots in the trash can behind your house. I wonder why?

Celia nodded vaguely, got up, and went to Jack’s room to fetch him to go to the garden.

I took my last bike ride of the season. It is traditional for me to ride in the late afternoon along the canal. It’s such a beautiful ride with the sun low in the sky and shinning on the gold and red leaves. I so wanted to put your bike in the car with mine and take you with me. It is an easy ride and I just know you would love it.

A meeting with the attorney was never scheduled. There was never any explanation as to why the subject was dropped. Celia made several attempts to communicate with Laura but all were rejected.

Today is Thanksgiving. I missed having you for a sleep over last night. We are always together the night before Thanksgiving so Mommy can get ready for the BIG dinner. We always watch a movie and eat pizza!! In the morning we watch another movie (remember “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?”). I won’t be at dinner with you this year. I wonder, where do you think I am?

Celia took a Christmas gift for Jack and a note to Laura to their house.

It is snowing…the first snow of the season. Do you have your ski gear? I wish we could have another wonderful day skiing together like we did last winter. I taught you how to make pizza slice turns. And I promised you that this year we would go to the top of the mountain. I want to show you how magnificent it is to be on top and look at all the surrounding mountain peaks.

Celia rang the doorbell this time. No one answered. She left the package for Jack and note for Laura at the door. The note read, “I am asking that for whatever fears you and John have, please let me have the chance to talk to you. Not talking only weighs heavily and does not allow for a conclusion to any concerns nor any forward motion. We have always been close. I remember a little girl taking my hand and skipping with me into daily adventures, excited and happy to be close to her Mom. We mustn’t lose that Laura. It’s time now for us to be part of Jack’s adventures together.

It is your birthday today! You are 8 years old….wow. I wonder if you are having a party at school and party at home this year with just a few of your friends. I left your birthday package on the doorstep for you tonight. I so hope you get it so you know that I love you very much. I am truly sorry Jack that I can’t give you a hug today.

Then a handwritten letter came in the mail.

“Mom,

“Throughout my life your interests are and have always been centered on yourself. I am disappointed in you, your selfishness and lack of love for me. I need space to process the grief I feel for the lack of the mother I have always longed for and the mother I do not, and have never had. I am my own person. I am strong and separate from you. Right now, I cannot love my life with you in it. Please leave me be.”

I just looked at the church calendar for religion class. I wonder if you are still going on Wednesday afternoons. I miss picking you up from school, sitting in the school lobby to have your snack and then dashing over to church to get you there on time. I wonder if you like going a little better this year. I never could figure out what you do in the class. You would never really talk about it and never gave me much information when I would ask questions. I don’t see when First Communion is…I wonder if you have to wait another year!! 

It was evident to Celia that John had finally achieved the control he sought. Nattering and bullying, always berserk over anything out of his control, Laura was able to find a way to silence John’s noise. Writing a harsh letter justified her banishment of Celia and ended the triangulated relationship.

I wish you a very Happy New Year darling boy. It has now been 6 months since I have seen you. My heart continues to break. You must know that I love you every way a human heart can.”

Celia lived another 18 years. She never spoke with Laura again. But Jack eventually made his own decisions and finally came around the fence to Celia’s back door and gave her a final chapter.