The Heist of the Century

(from the not yet published book "John Harm, Private Detective. The Case of the Evil, Global Shadow Conspiracy and Disgusticon the Transformer and The Heist of the Century) by Aaron Aaronson

Greetings to all who care to hear my tale. If you’re interested, well then stick around because it’s actually a crazy little story. My name is Xavier Crane. Really not much else for me to do but tell it, for those who wish to hear it that is. I’m sort of incarcerated at the moment, as I have been the last ten years. And well, here in my cell, not exactly an abundance of options of things to do. Yeah, these four walls and this tiny little space within which to live has been my home the last ten years. But, well, looks like tomorrow I’ll be saying goodbye to my little home so I figured it might be a good time to look back at the events that put me here. Reminisce about those days when I was actually in the outside world, when I was actually free and by doing so I can try to understand what exactly went wrong and led to my being imprisoned in this tiny cell for all these years. Now, I may be giving the wrong impression with how I’m phrasing things here. Yes, the events led to my ten year sentence in this cell, but you see, come tomorrow I’m not going to be a free man.

Hmm, actually, come to think of it, I suppose I will be a free man come tomorrow, but, I won’t be walking out of here a free man tomorrow if you get what I’m saying. You see, tomorrow is my execution date. Dead man walking is what I am and come tomorrow the steps of my life will be done. Now, I suppose the first question one might ask is do I have regrets. In truth, I really don’t. Sometimes when you see your dream, you have to reach for it, no matter the cost. And you know what, looking back, oh man, we almost pulled it off. We came so damn close. And even now, having occupied this cell for ten long years and knowing that tomorrow I will be put to death, truth is, I’d damn well give it another shot and let it roll one more time just to see if we could actually pull it off. Because you’ve got to dream, you’ve got to dream. And so help me, if we had actually been able to do it, that would have been something to see.

You know, life, it’s a funny thing, you think you have everything covered, think you’ve gone over everything that could possibly happen, think that you are ready, but well, even then, sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned. But man, if we just could have done it, just could have done it, oh boy, it would have been the heist of the century.”...

Xavier Crane stood, his hands gripping the walker he was forced to use as his mode of transit. He was staring out the window of a coffee shop. Outside, well it was quite the downpour, the sky tearing open and lashing the area with the constant whip of rain. In pelting droves the rain it fell, drenching the world below. There were very few people on the sidewalks this day, mother nature’s tirade forcing them back indoors. Would that then mean she wouldn’t show?

Xavier Crane displayed a momentary look of disquietude then hobbled with his walker to the short flight of stairs that led to ground level. Slowly he descended the stairs. Um, as if there really was any other choice than to descend the stairs slowly, he was on a walker, take into consideration. He walked to the front door of the building and performed the always cumbersome process of opening it and stepping through. The door slowly swung closed behind him as he stood outside, standing beneath an extension of the roof that shielded him from the rain. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, pulled a cigarette out and lit it then stood there, leaning against the wall, smoking his cigarette, his other hand pressed down atop his walker.

The rain was really coming down and showed no sign of letting up. He scanned the surrounding area, hoping to catch a glimpse of her approaching but he was starting to worry she wasn’t actually going to show. Things lately really hadn’t been working out particularly well for Xavier Crane. There is that saying that when it rains, it pours but on a day like this and considering how things had been going as of late for Xavier Crane, I suppose it would be more fitting to say, when it rains, someone better call Noah.

‘She has to show, she has to.’ Xavier Crane tried to reassure himself as he stood there and smoked his cigarette. If she did, this would be his final heist, his final job, and if they were able to pull it off he could get out of the game, call it quits and retire to some island in the Caribbean or South Pacific and finally live the good life and just lay there, stretched out on the beach, watching the sunset and sipping rum filled pina coladas out of a coconut.

Um, sipping from a coconut filled with rum, but still...

Xavier Crane had never worked with the woman before but he had heard through the grapevine that she was the best at what she did, and he knew that to pull off this heist he was going to need the best. Even with that, well he knew there was no guarantee the job would be a success. Things could possibly go, really, really bad. It was a risk Xavier Crane was willing to take. Would she be up for the challenge? Or would she be scared off? Well, there was no way for Xavier Crane to know that answer until he talked to her. If if he talked to her that is. He took a long drag from his cigarette as he again scanned the area. There was no one out walking and the rain from above continued to barrage the ground below.

Now, one might be thinking this impromptu North American monsoon laying siege to New York City on a day where the ever reliable prognosticators of accuracy, the weather forecasters, had predicted partly cloudy, to be a warning and a premonition to just walk away from this job, that it was destined to go South in a real bad way and things would not end well. In truth, as Xavier Crane stood outside and watched the liquid battering fall from the sky, smoking his cigarette, he did actually feel that cold hand reaching out and touching his spine, sending shivers of uncertainty throughout his body, imploring his mind to reconsider and just walk away. Xavier Crane took the final drag from his cigarette and flicked it away with his thumb and index finger into the deluge pouring down, attempting to send it to the grate above the sewer. It never made it though. The rain pouring down was so intense it stamped down on the cigarette as it attempted to sail through the air, pounding and pummeling it down to the ground and Xavier Crane stood there in the doorway, staring down at the cigarette that was only a couple inches in front of him upon the sidewalk.

Xavier Crane just stared at the cigarette. The rain unleashed from the sky swallowing it up in a puddle, the cigarette disappearing, a bitter howling wind tore through the scene, like the echoed future memory of a mistake you can’t erase, as if the lamentations of lost souls screaming out with warning, doing everything they could to rescue others from making the same mistake, knowing their lives were already gone but as a bid at redemption, attempting to deter others from taking the wrong path by using symbolism, because really now, when you can’t even make it to the sewer, wouldn’t it really be smart to just walk away?

Xavier Crane pulled out and lit up another cigarette. No, there was no damn chance he was walking away. He had his plan and he was going to see it through and make his play and find a way to see that day when he was there on that beach, a lesson life always did teach, a place he would never reach, but he would defy, and just lie there and sip then take a dip, then return to lying on the beach beneath the sun, knowing he had finally won, where all the shit was finally done. Now go ahead and say he was just being dumb. But Goddamnit, so help me, Xavier Crane would find that spot beneath the sun where he was drinking his Pina Coladas filled with rum.

Um, where he was drinking rum.

But, she had to show for the plan to be set in motion. He knew there was no way he could pull it off alone. Xavier Crane stood there with his hands atop his walker, smoking his cigarette, waiting...waiting...waiting...

He reached the final drag of the cigarette, took it and tossed it into the rain, flinging it from between his thumb and index finger. He decided to head back inside. He turned and with one hand on the walker, pulled the door open with his other hand. As he was about to step through he took one last scan of the area and when he did he spotted a figure approaching in his direction, shielding itself with a mammoth sized umbrella, slowly walking on the same side of the sidewalk the coffee shop was on and heading in its direction.

Xavier Crane hesitated. ‘Could that actually be her? Could the heist still go down?’ he wondered to himself as the person’s footsteps drew ever closer. He stepped back outside, away from the door, letting it close. He leaned against the wall and pulled out and lit another cigarette. He was leaning against the wall in such a way that he was no longer able to see if the person with the giant umbrella was still heading towards him but it didn’t matter because if it wasn’t her, well then he would just finish his cigarette and go back inside but if it was her, well then, everything would be a go and the plan for the heist of the century would be about to start.

Xavier Crane stood there, the smoke from his cigarette drifting in a spiral and disappearing into the rain. His cigarette was nearing the end. He took the final drag and flicked it away into the rain. Xavier Crane sighed. “Guess it hadn’t been her after all” he spoke to the rain. He turned to go back inside.

At that moment a woman holding an extremely large umbrella appeared from around the corner. and spoke. “Mr. Crane I take it.”

Xavier Crane nodded his head. “Yes. And so I imagine you would be Ms. Emily Clout.”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Yes. I’m here to talk about the heist you have in mind.”

“Very nice to meet you. I was beginning to worry you wouldn’t show.”

“It was the weather, but eventually I was able to hail a gondola.” Emily Clout noted.

Xavier Crane pulled out and lit a cigarette. “A gondola you say?”

“Yes, taxis weren’t running due to the rain so they sent out a fleet of gondolas.” Emily Clout explained.

Xavier Crane nodded his head admiringly. “How interesting. I like that, it shows you’re a resourceful woman.”

“Actually all it shows is that I was able to hail a gondola. I had nothing to do with replacing the taxis with gondolas so I don’t believe it is an accurate indication of my resourcefulness.” Emily Clout responded, deflecting the compliment. “Though make no mistake, resourceful is something I indeed am.”

Xavier Crane looked out at the street which was flowing with water. “You know, I hear they say Venice is nice this time of year.”

“I hear that it smells bad.” Emily Clout stated.

Xavier Crane shrugged. “Heck, wouldn’t bother me, I really don’t have any sense of smell.”

“You have no sense of smell.” Emily Clout commented with an odd look.”

Xavier Crane shook his head. “No, I do not.”

Emily Clout just stared at him. “Um, that’s actually kind of really weird.”

“Can I say something?” Xavier Crane asked.

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Please do.”

“That’s a really big umbrella you have there.”

“It was being used to cover the gondola, when I got to my stop, I stole it.” Emily Clout detailed.

Xavier Crane nodded his head, impressed. “Well, that then would be an example of just how resourceful you are.”

“Actually it’s just an example that I like stealing things. I already had an umbrella so I didn’t actually need it.”

Xavier Crane spoke, admiringly. “Well, it certainly at least shows you are one highly skilled thief. I mean to make off with a giant umbrella from a gondola without anyone noticing, pretty damn impressive Emily.”

“It’s a five foot wide umbrella I stole from the gondola I had just taken a ride in. Of course the gondola driver saw me take it. When he shouted at me I just hit him with it.” Emily Clout pursed her lips with a sneer. “You don’t want to be around me when I’m angry.”.

Xavier Crane smirked. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I live for danger. But I have to say, I very much respect your humility. You know, in this racket, everyone thinks they’re the top dog. It’s actually refreshing to see someone so reluctant to take credit.”

“Might I ask you something?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane nodded his head, “By all means.”

“Don’t you think it would make more sense if we talked inside, considering the weather?” Emily Clout suggested.

“Can’t smoke inside.” Xavier Crane explained.

“I see.”

“You know Emily, I got to say, I like your moxy.” Xavier Crane commented.

Emily Clout considered the comment. “Hmm, interesting word to use, kind of an archaic term.”

“Actually it’s a new slang term for you got a nice ass.” Xavier Crane clarified.

“I see.” Emily Clout pursed her lips with a sneer. “Mr. Crane, I think you should know, by saying that you just made me angry.”

Xavier Crane smirked. “Hey, get angry baby, like I said, I live for the danger.”

“I’m going to punch you in the face.” Emily Clout announced.

Xavier Crane shrugged nonchalantly. “Fire away babe, I can take a punch.”

Emily Clout then lunged and delivered a haymaker punch to Xavier Crane’s face, knocking him to the ground.

And thus a partnership was born and the heist of the century was set in motion...

Xavier Crane and Emily Clout sat inside the coffee shop at a table, Xavier Crane holding an ice pack to his chin.

“Now then Mr. Crane, please tell me the details of the heist.” Emily Clout requested. “But, before we go any further, I think you should be aware I have difficulty walking. I wasn’t forthcoming with that information because I didn’t want to torpedo my chances of signing on to the job before we even met.”

“Already knew that, you think I didn’t learn that little detail before seeking you out?”

“I see. You’re obviously then a man who does his homework.” Emily Clout commented.

Xavier Crane considered the statement for a moment. “Um, not really, I guess that’s one of the reasons I flunked out of high school. But, your impediment shouldn’t be a problem in terms of the heist. I was already aware of that information when I planned it.”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “I see, and I’m glad, continue then.”

“To be honest, I wasn’t at all put off by that detail. Now, normally logic would suggest that you don’t want the two main members of a heist team with movement impediments but I sort of liked the idea of the cripple comradery. The job I was originally planning was to rob the bank a few blocks down from here, but I changed the target.”

“I see. So the target for the heist is no longer the bank a few blocks down the road?”

Xavier Crane shook his head. “No, it is not.”

“I see. Why, if I might ask did you change the target?”

“Because I’m on a walker, and to actually get to the heist I would have to first walk those couple of blocks and I would really rather not do that.” Xavier Crane explained.

Emily Clout nodded her head. “I see.”

“So I chose a new target to be one that would be better suited to my own limitations and upon doing so your mobility restrictions ceased to be an issue as well. And I’ve heard you are the best so--”

“I am the best.” Emily Clout declared.

“Um, remember what I said earlier about how I liked that you weren’t so high on yourself.”

“I’m not the best. I may possibly be the second best, maybe third, could possibly be even further down the list, can’t say for sure, I suppose the jury is still out.” Emily Clout amended her statement.

Xavier Crane nodded his head approvingly. “There you go. Now, at first thought, one might think the new target doesn’t make as much sense.”

“What is the new target?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane pointed out the window. “See that there across the street?”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Yes, a funeral home.”

“That’s the new target.” Xavier Crane stated,

Emily Clout looked at Xavier Crane with an uncertain look. “The heist is that we’re going to rob a funeral home?”

“Exactly.” Xavier Crane proclaimed.

“Um, if I might say, that does sound like a rather odd choice. The bank would seem to be a more lucrative target. Might I ask why you chose the funeral home specifically?” Emily Clout questioned.

Xavier Crane detailed his reasoning for the target’s selection. “Well, this is not information that is known to the public. That particular funeral home has many secrets. For one, they store all the money from the business on site in a safe. Also, it’s not entirely on the up and up, because they actually fleece the people they are preparing for burial, draining their bank accounts and all their documents, stock ownership and money and it is all located in the safe of the funeral home as well. Also, well let’s just say the owner is sort of the fanciful sort and he plans for when he himself passes away to be entombed within the funeral home itself because he holds some far out ideas of coming back to life. So what he has done is built a sort of throne room in the basement beneath the funeral home like the Egyptian Pharoahs would do with the pyramids and like the Pharoahs did he has stocked it with all of his most extravagant personal belongings and wealth and it is covered with gold.”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “I see, that really would seem to change things. But, why would he stock up the throne room with all his belongings while he is still alive? I mean they would all be things he could still use.”

“Well, he also installed a big screen T.V, a bar, pool table and a waterbed and that’s where he goes to hang out with his friends and to sleep with prostitutes so it’s a functional throne room even before his death, but the heist is that we will rob it blind.”

“O.K, that really does make a lot more sense. I understand now why you chose it as the target.” Emily Clout agreed.

Xavier Crane continued with his reasoning. “Yeah, all that and, well, it’s really the only place I can get to. You see, my apartment is the building right next to this coffee shop here.”

“Your apartment is right next door, so then why didn’t we just meet there instead of here, would seem we would have had more privacy?” Emily Clout questioned.

“Yeah, but we really wouldn’t, I’m pretty sure the feds have it bugged so I don’t discuss any criminal dealings while in there, not in person, not over the phone and when I watch porn I keep the sound all the way down. Because you can never be too safe.” Xavier Crane explained.

“I see, you appear to be a man who plans ahead, is ready for any contingency and covers every base to ensure that nothing will go wrong.”

Xavier Crane pointedly asked “So then, tell me, are you in?”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “That I am Mr. Crane,

“That’s wonderful.” Xavier Crane banged his hand down on the table in celebration.

“I mean, with you handling the planning what could possibly go wrong.” Emily Clout asked rhetorically.

Xavier Crane nodded his head confidently. “Damn straight babe, what could go wrong?”

“Off the topic of the heist. If you don’t mind me saying so, you have really nice eyes.” Emily Clout complimented Xavier Crane.

“To be honest I do mind you saying so.” Xavier Crane responded.

“Why is that if I might ask?” Emily Clout inquired.

Xavier Crane got a perturbed look to him. “Damn little bastards are always seeing things that either make me really pissed off or just flat out make me sick. Tell you what, I’ll sell them to you for twenty bucks if you want them.”

“Wouldn’t that sort of be a hindrance in terms of the heist?” Emily Clout speculated.

Xavier Crane shrugged. “I don’t see why. If I sold them to some vagrant on the street, well, sure, but you’ll have them and so they’ll still be on the job. So what do you say? Could use the twenty.”

Emily Clout seemed uneasy about the suggestion. “I’m still not convinced that it’s such a good idea.”

Xavier Crane negotiated. “Tell you what, you think it over while I go and get a spoon. But you’re definitely in?”

“Absolutely, what could possibly go wrong?” Emily Clout answered.

Xavier Crane spoke with self-assurance. “Damn straight babe, I got things covered, so what could possibly go wrong? Now let me go get the spoon.” Xavier Crane got up from his chair and hobbled with his walker toward the counter in the coffee shop.

It was a sunny day, people were milling about the sidewalks, cars were plentiful upon the roads. Standing outside the coffee shop, leaning against the wall were Xavier Crane and Emily Clout, Xavier Crane with one hand on his walker, smoking a cigarette with his other hand. Xavier Crane still had both his eyes. Apparently negotiations were still ongoing. The two of them were staking out the funeral home, looking at it intently as the people on the sidewalk passed them by.

“So, how do you want to get inside?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane surveyed the funeral home for a few moments more then spoke. “I’ve been analyzing the options and I think I have settled on a way.”

“Which would be?”

“The door.” Xavier Crane stated.

Emily Clout questioned. “The door? But won’t that set off the alarm?”

“Already thought of that, we cut the alarm.” Xavier Crane answered.

“And how will we do that?” Emily Clout inquired.

“By cutting it.” Xavier Crane declared.

“So then I guess that means you are well versed on how to disable an alarm because personally that’s never been my area of expertise.”

Xavier Crane shrugged. “Um, actually, no, I really don’t know much about it.”

“But then how will we disable the alarm?” Emily Clout asked with concern.

“Um, that associate of yours, the one you said you were bringing onto the job, what was her name?” Xavier Crane asked.

“Crazy Mamba.” Emily Clout replied.

“Does Crazy Mamba know how to disable an alarm?” Xavier Crane asked.

“Actually it’s one of her specialties.” Emily Clout pronounced.

Xavier Crane nodded his head. “Perfect, Crazy Mamba will disable the alarm then.”

Emily Clout nodded her head as well. “O.k, I’m with you. And once inside, what’s our next move?”

“We spray any surveillance cameras that might be present with spray cheese.” Xavier Crane detailed.

“Spray cheese instead of say spray paint you think would be better?” Emily Clout inquired.

“Spray cheese tastes better and if we get hungry we can eat from that. Spray paint just wouldn’t be the same.”

“Good point. You really do think of everything. So after that, where do we go next?”

“We hit the safe. Now, Crazy Mamba, you said she is one of the best safe crackers on the planet.”

Emily Clout responded affirmatively. “That she is, we get the three of us inside and she’ll handle the safe.”

“Very good, and while Crazy Mamba is working on the safe, you and I will make our way to the throne room and pillage it. We will strip it down to the core.” Xavier Crane announced.

“How are we to get into the throne room?” Emily Clout asked.

“We use the door.” Xavier Crane stated.

“Won’t it probably be locked though?” Emily Clout wondered.

“We hit it with a hammer.” Xavier Crane declared.

“I see. But, stripping the throne room bare, wouldn’t that involve a lot of heavy objects? With our physical limitations, how are we going to get the stuff up the stairs and out of the throne room?”

“Crazy Mamba can carry things, right?” Xavier Crane inquired.

“And how. She may be over 70 but she’s extremely burly, stout and built. Crazy Mamba is as strong as an Ox.” Emily Clout declared with amazement.”

Xavier Crane nodded his head. “Perfect, so Crazy Mamba will carry the stuff up the stairs.”

“How are we going to then make our getaway with everything we stole?” Emily Clout inquired.

Xavier Crane answered assuredly. “Already covered that. We will steal the hearse from the funeral home and load everything inside a coffin and drive away free and clean.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Emily Clout responded approvingly “So then you’ll be the one driving because I never actually bothered to learn how to drive, always just used mass transit.”

“Actually I have no idea how to drive.” Xavier Crane said.

“Then who is going to drive the getaway hearse?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane thought for a moment. “Um, does Crazy Mamba know how to drive?”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Actually yes, she does.”

Xavier Crane declared. “Well then Crazy Mamba will drive the getaway hearse.”

“O.k, I’m hearing you, you really are someone who covers all the bases and have done a great job of planning this out. And so, after we’ve loaded up the hearse and made our getaway, where do we go after that?”

“Back to my apartment.” Xavier Crane announced.

“Back to your apartment. The one across the street from the funeral home?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane nodded his head. “Exactly.”

“But I thought you said you thought your apartment was being bugged?” Emily Clout questioned.

“Not to worry. Once we have unloaded the coffin with everything we stole from the heist and Crazy Mamba has carried the coffin up the stairs, my apartment doesn’t have an elevator you see.”

“So Crazy Mamba will carry the coffin up the stairs of your apartment building and to your apartment.” Emily Clout repeated to make sure she understood the plan.

“Indeed. And once we get it back, we pop it open and sort through our haul.”

“But, then, back to the question of your apartment being bugged by the Feds.”

Xavier Crane responded dismissively. “Not a problem, once back, we speak in code. We refer to what we stole as Smurf candy, ourselves as the three little pigs, the hearse we call Hi Ho Silver and the funeral home itself is La La Land.”

Emily Clout nodded in agreement. “Good, we do that and they’ll have no idea what we are talking about. If I might just offer this compliment, you truly are a brilliant tactician.”

“That is something that has indeed I imagine at times been said I think.” Xavier Crane boasted. “And, having thrown them off the track, we figure out from there what to do next.” Xavier Crane got a fanciful look in his eyes, his voice taking on a dreamy tone. “Don’t know about you, but I see a tropical beach in my future, to just get out of the game and live the good life.”

Emily Clout got an invigorated look on her face. “Me, I don’t know if I could give up the life. I get such a rush when I’m on a job. It’s when I feel the thrill and excitement of a heist that I feel truly alive. Everything going crazy, danger at every turn, that’s what really gets my blood flowing.”

Xavier Crane chuckled. “Well, sorry to disappoint you Emily, because if things go as planned, the job should go off without a hitch and be pretty damn uneventful. It will be like taking candy from a baby.”

Emily Clout nodded her head in agreement. “Yeah, I guess you’re right, we’re robbing a funeral home, how hard could it be?”

“It’s going to be so easy it will be like taking candy from a dead baby.” Xavier Crane amended his previous statement. “So I’m sorry the job won’t be able to give you the rush you want, but ooh baby, it’s going to make you rich like you wouldn’t believe. My plan is easy money and smooth sailing. Trust me, it’s going to be a cakewalk.”

“Yeah, what could possibly go wrong?” Emily Clout optimistically asked.

Xavier Crane widely grinned. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Xavier Crane stood outside the coffee shop next to his apartment building, one hand on his walker, smoking a cigarette with his other hand. Emily Clout came walking down the sidewalk and walked up to Xavier Crane. Xavier Crane spoke with a somewhat concerned voice. “So, I got your message that you wanted to talk to me about something regarding the heist.”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Yes, I think maybe we should consider pulling back from the heist and holding off for a while.”

Xavier Crane looked at Emily Clout with surprise. “What? Don’t tell me you’re getting nervous, I thought you lived for the thrill of the job.”

Emily Clout shook her head. “No, I’m ready to go, it’s just that there have been some unexpected developments.”

“Such as what?” Xavier Crane asked.

“It’s crazy Mamba.” Emily Clout stated.

“What of her?” Xavier Crane asked.

Emily Clout showed a look of great concern. “She’s been acting real shady lately, I’m not sure we can trust her.”

Xavier Crane pulled out a pack of cigarettes, took one out and put it in his mouth then searched his pockets to find his lighter. “Damn it Emily, the heist is going down tomorrow, why is this the first I’m hearing about it?”

“I’ve been monitoring her, hoping she would come back to her senses but I realize now she’s a lost cause. I think if we took her on the heist it would lead to problems.” Emily Clout warned.

Xavier Crane found his lighter, pulled it out and lit the cigarette. “Give me the lowdown, what’s the skinny Emily?”

“Well, lately she’s been wandering the streets wearing a bathrobe.” Emily Clout explained.

Xavier Crane shrugged. “Well, I think we can work around that, the job doesn’t require formal attire or anything.”

Emily Clout continued. “And she constantly is banging on a drum she has fixed around her waist, calling it her “Hymn of War and March to Death” dirge. And she’s shaved her head and gotten a tattoo on her skull that says “Suicide Mission. Born to Die”.”

Xavier Crane conceded. “Um, well, admittedly, that is a bit more disconcerting. What else?”

“Well she keeps getting into fights with random strangers for no reason and beats them unconscious with a hammer. And she looks for the biggest person possible as a challenge, she is 330 lbs. And no matter how large the other person is, Crazy Mamba just loses control and beats them into a bloody heap. And when I asked her if she could hold it together for the heist she told me “Absolutely. I will hold it together until I alert the cops about the robbery because the way I truly want to go out is suicide by cop”.” Emily Clout detailed.

“Eh, I think you were right to be alarmed. Anything else?” Xavier Crane asked.

“Well, when I asked what she hoped for most to get from the heist, she said getting you and me killed because she hates our miserable freakin cuts and after we get gunned down she wants to crush our heads open and drink our blood from our skulls.” Emily Clout added.

Xavier Crane just stood there with a dubious expression. “Eh?”

Emily Clout suggested. “So really Mr. Crane, Crazy Mamba isn’t good to go for the heist and I think we really should consider calling it off. I have a really bad feeling about it.”

Xavier Crane hesitated for a few moments with a contemplative look on his face. He took a long drag from his cigarette and exhaled.. “Damn it, no. Crazy Mamba obviously has gone a bit crazy, but damn it, we don’t need her. We can do this thing, just the two of us Emily, we don’t need no Crazy Mamba. Don’t you see Emily, this is the score I’ve been waiting for. Pull this off and I can be done with the life. I can find my beach and for once actually live. I can’t walk away from it. Don’t you see Emily, I need this. I stand with all my dreams right before my eyes and all I have to do is reach out and take it. I’m doing this, even without Crazy Mamba.”

Emily Clout appeared very worried, ominously declaring. “But Mr. Crane, without Crazy Mamba it will be bad mojo.”

Xavier Crane tried to persuade her. “Bad mojo or no bad mojo for me it’s still a go. Come on Emily, don’t you have dreams too? Don’t you fantasize about what you’re going to do with all that money, and don’t you, as someone who lives for the thrill of the heist want to know that feeling of just lying there afterwards and smiling with pride that we actually pulled it off?”

Emily Clout had to admit. “Yes, it’s true, that more than anything else is what powers me, to be able to just say to myself we actually did it. That would be an amazing feeling.”

“So then are you still in Emily?” Xavier Crane asked.

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Yes, I’m in.”

“Wonderful. And don’t you worry, we can do this.” Xavier Crane exclaimed with determination.

“You’re right, what could possibly go wrong?” Emily Clout proclaimed.

“Exactly babe, what could possibly go wrong.” Xavier Crane declared with a confident voice.

The night of the heist had arrived. It was just after midnight. There were no cars upon the streets. no one was walking the sidewalks. Xavier Crane and Emily Clout stood outside the closed coffee shop, staring at the funeral home. They both carried large black bags, Xavier Crane’s bag was tied to the side of his walker. They were dressed in black, wearing black gloves and with black bandanas covering their heads. Beneath their eyes they each had a black streak of grease.

“So, you ready to do this Emily?” Xavier Crane asked.

“I’m ready, but can I ask one question?” Emily Clout replied.

“Fire away.” Xavier Crane invited.

“Why did we put the grease under our eyes?” Emily Clout asked with puzzlement.

“It’s grease so that if someone punches us in the face, the punch will just glance right off.” Xavier Crane explained.

Emily Clout looked at Xavier Crane with condescension. “Um, I don’t think it would actually work that way.”

“Believe me, that’s exactly what would happen.” Xavier Crane confidently declared.

“No, I really don’t think so.” Emily Clout disagreed.

“Hey, you feeling angry Emily?” Xavier Crane taunted.

“Well, to be honest, your stupid idea about the grease is actually making me a little angry.” Emily Clout snarled.

Xavier Crane smiled mockingly. “Then punch me in the face. You’ll see the punch will just glance right off.”

“That’s really not what would happen.” Emily Clout predicted with annoyance.

Xavier Crane prodded. “Hey, what’s wrong Emily, afraid of looking like a fool?”

“I already look like a fool with this stupid grease on my face.” Emily Clout grumbled.

“Well then punch me in the face and you’ll really look like a fool.” Xavier Crane dared.

Emily Clout’s lips pursed with a sneer. “O.k, now you’re really starting to piss me off.”

Xavier Crane smirked. “Well then make a fool of yourself. Humility is the best medicine for anger.”

“Alright, that’s it, you’re going down.” Emily Clout threw a haymaker punch to Xavier Crane’s face, dropping him to the ground.”

Xavier Crane reached his hand up to the handles of his walker and pulled himself up from the ground, shaking his head. “O.k, I see, I guess you’re right, that really didn’t help at all.”

“Then can we go wash this crap off our faces?” Emily Clout suggested.

“We’ll wash it off after the heist. The streets are clear. Now is the time to strike. Are you ready to go?” Xavier Crane asked.

Emily Clout nodded her head. “Ready.”

“Let’s roll.” The two of them made their way across the street to the funeral home, attempting evasive movements to attempt to conceal themselves even though they were doing so under the light of the street lamps and anyone watching would clearly see that there were two awkwardly moving people, one of them using a walker, wearing black with streaks of grease beneath their eyes, two people who for some reason appeared to be engaging in some odd, modern dance, cripple duet as they crossed a narrow street to the funeral home. They reached the sidewalk across the street and stood out in front, looking at the funeral home. “O.k. now without Crazy Mamba here to disable any possible alarm I’ve changed what our point of entry will be. We’re going in now through the window.”

“What about the alarm? You don’t think it would be connected to the window too?” Emily Clout asked.

“You know, if I was a betting man, which I am, I would place my bet that it won’t be. Don’t worry Emily, I’m feeling lucky.” Xavier Crane announced with swagger.

Emily Clout took a deep breath. “O.k, let’s do this. I really hope it works though.”

Xavier Crane responded nonchalantly. “Of course it will work. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch Emily.”

“Why are you talking about my panties?”. Emily Clout complained

“I, ah, just thought you would feel better if they weren’t all bunched up.” Xavier Crane commented.

Emily Clout pursed her lips into a sneer. “My panties are not all bunched up.”

Xavier Crane saw the expression on Emily Clout’s face. “Um, well, you should probably keep it that way then, for your own, um, comfort and all. Now to get through the window.”

Xavier Crane and Emily Clout, because of their physical limitations, labored considerably to set up a garbage can that they could stand on to reach the window. After doing this there was an exponentially more cumbersome process of finding other objects to in essence create a series of steps which would allow Xavier Crane to reach the top of the garbage can, a climb he eventually made with much effort. Xavier Crane stood atop the garbage can and wrapped a handkerchief around his fist. He then punched his hand through the window, breaking the glass. At which point Xavier Crane lost his balance and fell off the garbage can to the ground. Xavier Crane lay on his back on the sidewalk and looked up at Emily Clout. “Look at that Emily, told you I was feeling lucky. No alarm, alright, we’re in.”

Um, the statement alright we’re in may have been a bit premature because with their physical limitations the process of the two of them actually making it from the top of the garbage can and through the window was so monstrously difficult, time consuming and awkward that it would have been absolutely comical if it wasn’t so pathetically sad.

Eventually though they did make it through the broken window. Emily Clout and Xavier Crane scanned the surroundings. Emily Clout announced. “I don’t see any cameras.”

Xavier Crane nodded his head. “Then no needs for the spray cheese. That means more for us. This heist is going like gangbusters already.”

“So what’s first, the safe?” Emily Clout inquired.

Xavier Crane shook his head. “No, we have to wing it. Without Crazy Mamba here there is no way for us to get into the safe so in terms of the safe, at the end, we’ll tie a rope to it and attach the other end to the hearse we steal and drag it out. To start, we’re just going to start small.”

“Doing what?” Emily Clout asked.

“We’ll just rob all the corpses waiting for burial.” Xavier Crane directed.

Emily Clout appeared uneasy. “Mr. Crane, I don’t know, I mean stealing from the dead will bring us bad mojo.”

“You’re being silly Emily. Talk like that is just superstitious nonsense. I mean, come on, their dead, they can’t hurt us.” Xavier Crane’s voice took on a whimsical quality. “And as for bad mojo, well go ahead and bring it on because when I’m on my beach, sipping my rum out of a coconut I’ll be making my own mojo.” .

“Um, why would you drink your rum out of a coconut, why not just use a glass.” Emily Clout asked, confused.

“Um, well it’s symbolic.” Xavier Crane answered.

“How could drinking out of a coconut be symbolic? And symbolic of what, of being a castaway on a desert island?” Emily Clout pressed.

Xavier Crane attempted to think of a response. “Eh, you know Emily, I understood that you were a woman of action, not asking questions. So you want to stand here talking all night or do you want to do this?”

Emily Clout nodded her head. “You’re right, let’s do this.”

Xavier Crane laid out the plan of action. “Now, when we find where the corpses awaiting funeral services are kept, we go through their pockets and steal their wallets and loose change and we steal whatever jewelry they happen to be wearing. Those that are not yet dressed for the funeral, we find where their belongings are being stored and go through the same process.”

“Mr. Crane, why exactly would all the corpses be getting buried with their wallets?” Emily Clout questioned.

Xavier Crane considered this, appearing somewhat befuddled. “Um, eh, hey Emily, action or talk?”

“Action, let’s do this.” Emily Clout declared.

“Let’s roll.” Xavier Crane pronounced.

Xavier Crane and Emily Clout started slowly hobbling through the funeral home. I suppose though, the comment let’s roll would actually be a fitting description of what Xavier Crane was doing because the front legs of his walker were wheeled so he was, in a literal sense, actually rolling.

In the viewing area of the funeral home there was a casket containing a corpse that was already out on display for a service the next morning.

Xavier Crane pointed to the corpse in the casket. “Come on Emily, let’s start with him, let’s check all his pockets.” The two of them scavenged through the pockets of the corpse that was on display. “You finding anything?”

“So far I’ve got a pocket watch and a silk handkerchief,” Emily Clout answered “how about you?”

“I’ve got a wedding ring and a class ring, both appear to be gold. Now take his tie.”

“You want to take his tie?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane shrugged. “Well, it looks like a really nice tie.”

Emily Clout removed the tie from around the corpse’s neck and placed it in her bag. “Alright, done.”

“Yeah, not a bad haul. Now to find the room where all the other corpses on the premises and their belongings are stored.” Xavier Crane directed.

Xavier Crane and Emily Clout hobbled along and passed through the adjoining room which was a room used for item storage and within which there were several other corpses that were being prepared for funeral services. The corpses were wearing no clothes, had no items and were each covered by a sheet. Actually there was one corpse in the room that had an item on it, it was an elaborate pendant, with images of the sun and the moon encased by a star that was attached to a necklace and on it Xavier Crane was fixated.

“Hmm, this is interesting. Hey Emily, take a look at this.” Xavier Crane motioned to the necklace and pendant around the neck of the corpse.

“Wow, that’s a really unusual looking pendant.” Emily Clout announced, impressed..

“Looks like it could be worth a fortune if we found the right antique dealer.” Xavier Crane exalted.

Emily Clout eagerly agreed. “Yeah, take it then.”

Xavier Crane removed the necklace and pendant from around the neck of the corpse and put it into his bag. “Alright, now to search through the personal effects and take anything else of value within the room. Now let’s get to work. The two of them began scouring through the belongings, placing numerous items in their bags

At this moment the corpse Xavier Crane had taken the necklace and pendant from raised the upper half of its body from the gurney it was laid upon, stretched out both its arms then swung its legs off the gurney and began slowly, staggering toward Xavier Crane and Emily Clout. When it did this, all the other corpses in the room raised their upper bodies from the gurney they were upon, then stood up and began slowly stalking with plodding steps toward the two of them in the same manner.

“Alright, let’s finish up here.” Xavier Crane directed as he continued searching through the belongings, putting anything of value into his bag.

Emily Clout stopped filling her bag and just turned to Xavier Crane, speaking with an uneasy voice. “Um, Mr. Crane, that pendant really does seem nice but I thought this was supposed to be the heist of the century, so far all we’ve done is amass a bag of trinkets and clothing accessories and all we’ve really done so far is be grave robbers which I must admit I feel more than a bit uncomfortable about. When are we going to hit the big score?”

“Not to worry, once we’re done in here we will head down to the throne room and that’s where we will really clean up, this here is just small time, you’ll see.” Xavier Crane reassured her.

Emily Clout nodded her head in agreement, then continued filling her bag. “O.k. then, let’s finish this up.

Xavier Crane placed one last item in his bag then looked around the room, there was nothing more of value to steal. “Alright, that’s it for here. Let’s head down to the throne room.” Xavier Crane spun around with his walker as Emily Clout also turned around to make their way out of the room. When they did they saw the group of zombies making their way toward them

Emily Clout exclaimed anxiously. “Holy shit, the corpses have come back to life! What the hell do we do?”

Xavier Crane gestured with his hands to stay calm. “Don’t get upset, we just have to stay calm.”

Emily Clout somewhat hysterically shouted. “Stay calm! How the hell are we supposed to stay calm? We’re stuck in a room full of undead zombies who are slowly marching toward us. Normally the one advantage people have against zombies is that zombies move slowly and you can run away from them, only problem is that we move even slower than they do. Damn I wish Crazy Mamba was here because then she could just punch their heads off their bodies but what do we do?”

“Don’t worry, I planned in case this might happen, I’ll take care of it.” Xavier Crane authoritatively declared.

“You planned in case the corpses in the funeral home came back to life and tried to kill us?” Emily Clout asked with consternation.

“Yeah, you go into a job like this you have to prepare for anything.” Xavier Crane then pulled out an Uzi and sprayed the zombies with bullets then pulled out, lit, and threw a molotov cocktail at them, the zombies being engulfed by fire as they continued staggering across the floor. “Hurry Emily, let’s hobble out of the room.” Xavier Crane and Emily Clout slowly made their way past the zombies who were on fire and exited the room, closing the door behind them. Xavier Crane sighed with relief. “Whew, we made it.”

Emily Clout was breathing rapidly, obviously rattled. “Wo Mr. Crane, corpses coming back to life and trying to kill us, that’s about as bad as it gets in terms of bad mojo, yo. You don’t think maybe that’s a sign we should just walk away?”

Xavier Crane shook his head dismissively. “You’re being crazy Emily. That was nothing. Come on, pull yourself together. All that’s left is for us to rob the throne room and then tie a rope to the safe that we will attach to the hearse we will steal and drive it across the street to my apartment. That is the true job, and that is the heist of the century. And come on, what could possibly go wrong?”

“Yeah, you’re right, what could possibly go wrong?” Emily Clout asked.

“Now to get to the throne room, the entrance should be just down this hall.” Xavier Crane and Emily Clout slowly hobbled down the hall until reaching the door that led to the basement of the funeral home, the throne room.

“You have the hammers right to break through the door?” Emily Clout asked.

Xavier Crane nodded his head. “Indeed I do.”

Emily Clout was examining the door. “I don’t know, this door looks awfully sturdy, like its super reinforced. This is the door to the throne room so do you think the hammers will even be able to break it?”

“I’ve got other tools in my bag of tricks. I don’t care what I have to do. I’m getting through this door. There’s no way it will stop me from realizing my dream. But, you know, as I said before, I’m feeling lucky so maybe the door will actually be unlocked?” Xavier Crane turned the doorknob of the door leading to the throne room and the door swung open. “How about that Emily, it is unlocked so we don’t even have to break it down. Our fortunes have obviously taken a turn for the better. I suppose a certain someone who wanted to cancel the heist just because some dead bodies came back to life and tried to kill us must feel pretty stupid right about now.”

“Are you calling me stupid?” Emily Clout asked accusingly.

Xavier Crane smugly shrugged. “I’m just saying you must feel pretty stupid.”

Emily Clout’s lips pursed into a sneer. “You know you’re making my angry.”

“Well the common cure for anger is stupidity.” Xavier Crane arrogantly announced.

With a venomous sneer on her face Emily Clout threw a haymaker punch and decked Xavier Crane, dropping him to the ground. Xavier Crane used his walker to pull himself up from the floor to his feet. “Um, Emily, feel free to beat the crap out of me after the heist is done but now is really not the time. Come on, it’s just down the stairs and we will hit the jackpot. It’s all easy money from here on out.”

Emily Clout sighed. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I mean what could possibly go wrong?”

“What could possibly go wrong?” Xavier Crane proclaimed.

The two of them very slowly made their way down the steps leading to the throne room. They reached the bottom and scanned the area. It certainly was a majestic sight. The throne room extended as one open space over the entire floor of the basement level of the funeral home. There was gold everywhere, large golden and small jeweled statues. Paintings hung on the walls from the great masters, certain to themselves alone fetch millions. As they scanned the room, there mouths were ajaw at the sheer opulent luxury of the room. They had expected it to be impressive but it exceeded their wildest expectations. This certainly was to be the heist of the century and they had never actually expected to be seeing what they were seeing.

I suppose it would also be safe to say they never expected to be seeing something else they were currently seeing. That being 12 or so mobsters who were either sitting at the bar or around the pool table with cue sticks in their hands, all of them staring at Xavier Crane and Emily Clout with angry, unwelcoming glares.

“Um, mobsters.” Emily Clout noted nervously.

“I can see there are mobsters.” Xavier Crane announced.

One of the mobsters spoke with a dominant tone. “Can we help you with something?”

“Um, what do we do?” Emily Clout asked with even more alarm.

Xavier Crane looking somewhat flustered blurted out. “I’m working on it.”

The mobster who spoke before commented. “Funny thing, I don’t recall inviting you to our little party here. You must be lost. But, far be it from me to not be a gracious host. I’m sure you’re aware the little operation we’re running here is a funeral home so what do yous say we offer you a couple of complimentary coffins?”

Emily Clout began breathing rapidly. “Coffins, there going to kill us, think of something.”

“Try to stay calm. I’ll come up with something.” Xavier Crane tried to assure her.

The mob members all pulled out handguns and pointed them at Xavier Crane and Emily Clout. The mob member who had been speaking, now with his gun pointed at them, continued. “You done walked into the wrong funeral home and now, kind of ironic isn’t it, you’ll both be leaving in a body bag.”

“Guns, they got guns!” Emily Clout anxiously exclaimed.

“Well, they’re in the mob, people in the mob usually have guns, that really should come as no surprise.” Xavier Crane rationalized.

“Yes but they’re going to shoot us with those guns, do something!” Emily Clout implored.

The mobster who was the one who had spoken shrugged with a menacing grin. “And you know what, why waste the money on a couple of perfectly good coffins for a couple of dirty rats. Tonight you’re going to sleep with the fishes in your final resting place, your watery grave at the bottom of the river. Arrivederci.”

The mobster started to pull the trigger but at that moment the ceiling above him, which had been the room where Xavier Crane had tossed the molotov cocktail, collapsed and crashed down onto him with flaming rubble, the fire spilling through the hole in the ceiling and into the room.

Xavier Crane directed. “Quick, or rather an unreasonable facsimile of quick to cover.” Xavier Crane and Emily Clout hobbled away and hid behind a giant statue in the room. The remaining mobsters started firing away at them with their guns.

Emily Clout was breathing very quickly and holding her chest. “Holy shit, they’re shooting at us. I freakin hate guns. Holy crap! Oh boy, I think I’m having a panic attack. Christ I need a valium. I need a fuckin entire bottle of valium, This is terrible!”

Xavier Crane looked at her with a surprised look. “Um, what happened to you living for the excitement, the thrill, the danger?”

“Well yeah but I didn’t know there were actually going to be people shooting at us. Holy crap, could things possibly get any worse?” Emily Clout wondered.

“Um, things probably can’t get any worse.” Xavier Crane attempted to reassure her.

At that moment there was a shout from the stairs. “This is the police! Everybody drop your guns and lie face down on the floor. Failure to comply and we will breach the room and you will be killed.”

“Hey, feugo you pigs!” one of the mobsters shouted back

A member of the police force on the stairs announced. “They are not complying. We are a go.” The police swat team then launched several tear gas canisters into the room as all the mobsters starting coughing while also indiscriminately firing their guns in the direction of the police as the police officers fired back, the occasional whelp of pain from people on both sides struck by a bullet as the fire spread across the ceiling and down onto the walls of the room, smoke billowing through and mixing with the tear gas.

Tears streaming from her eyes, Emily Clout groaned. “Jesus Christ, I’m bawling my freakin eyes out here!”

“It’s just the tear gas, it’s irritating your eyes, hold tight and it will pass.” Xavier Crane advised her.

“No! I’m not crying because of the freakin tear gas. I’m crying because the plan has completely gone to shit! This is a freakin disaster. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse at this point!” Emily Clout despaired.

Xavier Crane concurred. “Um, yeah, I think you’re probably right. I really don’t see how things could possibly get any worse at this point.”

At this point a large, burly woman with a shaved, tattooed head and wearing a bathrobe dropped through the hole in the roof the fire was spilling from and to the floor. She let out a primal roar then bellowed. “Everyone in this room must die so that blessed apocalypse can finally begin!” The woman in the bathrobe then pulled an axe out from under her bathrobe and began moving through the room, hacking off the heads of police officers and mobsters in a blood splattering whirlwind frenzy, singing as she did so “I love you Satan, my love is true, I love you Satan, you know I do!”

“Holy shit, it’s Crazy Mamba and Crazy Mamba has gone completely fuckin insane.” Emily Clout exclaimed with shock.

“Eh, o.k, I think things did just get somewhat worse.” Xavier Crane conceded.

Crazy Mamba continued moving through the room, hacking everyone she came near, everyone wildly firing their handguns as bullets ricochet off the walls and whizzed right by the heads of Xavier Crane and Emily Clout as some of the bullets fired struck Crazy Mamba but they had absolutely no effect on her as she continued to hack off the heads and limbs of the members of both sides of the gunfight and the fire that had crept into the room from upstairs continued to spread out against the walls into an intensifying inferno.

Emily Clout spoke with a calm, introspective voice. “Mr. Crane, you know, this heist has made me realize something.”

“What’s that Emily?” Xavier Crane asked while peering around the side of the statue, trying to see what was happening in the room.

“It made me realize that I want to live.” Emily Clout announced. “You know, I always said I loved the thrill and lived for the excitement but you know what, I see now that I just want to live and I don’t need any of this.”

“Emily, what are you saying? Don’t tell me you’re backing out now. We’re so close!” Xavier Crane tried to persuade her.

“Yeah, close to getting killed. And I choose to live. I just want a long, happy, quiet life.” Emily Clout declared, at peace with her decision.

“Yeah, well I’m going to live even if it means I have to die to do it!” Xavier Crane blurted out defiantly.

“You do realize that makes absolutely no sense Mr. Crane.” Emily Clout commented.

At this point there dropped through the hole in the ceiling several of the zombies from upstairs, all engulfed by flame. They ploddingly stalked through the throne room groaning the one word “Brains” over and over and would at times grab onto either a police officer or mobster and drag them to the floor as they chewed through their skulls, the victim shrieking in agony as Crazy Mamba would occasionally pause hacking to death those involved in the gunfight to literally punch some of the flaming zombies heads off while the room had become by this point quite engulfed by flame and those still standing in the gunfight blindly fired shots off because the smoke was too thick by this point for them to have any visibility or clue what it was they were shooting at.

Emily Clout shook her head with resignation. “No Mr. Crane, I’ve seen enough and know that I do have to hobble away. I very much suggest that you do the same because if you don’t I do not see things ending well for you. You just have to accept that the plan didn’t work out exactly as intended and you should just hobble away too.”

Xavier Crane responded defiantly. “Yeah, yeah, well who needs you? I don’t need anyone else to pull off this heist. So go on, get out of here, I can do this all by myself. I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone. After this job I can actually retire, be out of the game, find my beach and drink my rum from my coconut, start all over, a new life, a real life, but don’t you see, to have that, I need this. Do you hear me? I need this. So go on, get out of here. You want to be a coward, be a coward, but let me tell you something, Xavier Crane aint no coward. He’s just a man following his dream. You want to walk away when you’re right there at the finish line, you go right ahead, it just means that much more for me. Actually glad you’re walking away Emily. More for me you see. Me, I’m seeing this heist through to the end. To the end I tell ya.”

Emily Clout sighed lightly. “Well then, goodbye Mr. Crane. It was a pleasure working with you. I very much wish you good luck.” Emily Clout turned and slowly made her way back up the stairs, making her exit from the throne room.

Xavier Crane stared off at the stairs. “Yeah goodriddance, who needs you. You were just holding me back. This has always been my heist and this has always been my show. And there’s no damn way I’m giving up. I’ll get to my beach, yeah. And I’ll be there on my beach with my coconut filled with rum, yeah, you see, yeah. And absolutely nothing is going to stop me from getting there, yeah.” Xavier Crane turned to the darkened, flame covered, smoke filled room and shouted “Alright you bastards, want to party? Well then, let’s roll.” Xavier Crane stood out from behind the statue. He shouted out “Alright, come on motherfuckers! You want to dance then let’s dance. Say hello to my little friend! Because here comes the pain!” He then squeezed the trigger of the Uzi spraying the room with a continuous stream of bullets, laughing maniacally and wildly as he did, there was the occasional scream of pain of someone being hit as he just continued firing off a continuous stream of bullets, still laughing hysterically and occasionally shouting out “Come on motherfuckers!”

He slowed down on the frequency of his shots and listened in between gunfire bursts to try to hear if any of the participants of the battle were still standing. He continued slowing the pace of his shots and listening in between until he was only firing a sporadic shot here and there and then he stopped firing entirely and just stood there and stared into the darkness of the room, listening for any sound of life. There was none, only the crackle of the flames from the fire engulfing the room. He waited for at least a minute. Still there was no sound aside from the fire. He had done it. All of the combatants in the battle were obviously down, not even emitting the groans and moans of the wounded. They were making no sound at all. Xavier Crane was the only one left. He was the last man standing. Xavier Crane spoke out loud. “Just a eulogy to all the fallen. You certainly did throw an unexpected wrench into my plans but looks like I actually will be completing the heist of the century. Because I’m the only one left.”

“Not the only one.” came a husky woman’s voice from within the smokey, murky darkness.

Xavier Crane stared into the darkness, trying to see who was the owner of the voice but he could make out nothing. Then he detected a figure slowly approaching toward him. And then it became clear who the speaker was. It was Crazy Mamba. She stood there in the center of the room, covered in blood, holding her axe in her right hand, staring Xavier Crane down with a sadistic sneer.

“Crazy Mamba.” Xavier Crane announced.

“You still have me to contend with Mr. Crane. Do you really think you can defeat me?” Crazy Mamba challenged.

“You know what, the absolute worst thing there is, is when you’re planning a heist and one of your partners in crime turns out to be a, a, um, well whatever the fuck you are. Betrayal Crazy Mamba, I have to say I really don’t take kindly to that. You went off the deep end, you lost your way and I’m going to enjoy taking you down.” Xavier Crane boasted, holding his walker with one hand and pointing sternly at Crazy Mamba with the other.

Crazy Mamba let out a loud laugh of demonic fervor. “Ha, ha, ha Mr. Crane. There is something you should know. My contract with the devil means that your bullets cannot harm me. Well, that is unless you are able to hit me exactly between the eyes. Do that and you will have vanquished me. Anything else, well, it will have no effect at all. So tell me Mr. Crane, are you willing to give it a try, and grant me my wish that I can die?”

“There’s something you should know Crazy Mamba. I’m a hell of a good shot.” Xavier Crane boasted “And if I was a betting man, which I am, I would put my money on me making that shot. Something else you should know. I’m feeling lucky so let’s roll. So, I’m actually sorry our dealings had to end this way, I truly am. But, hey, whatcha gonna do. Adios Crazy Mamba.” Xavier Crane squinted one eye, focusing intensely while aiming his UZI then he squeezed the trigger. CLICK. He looked at the gun with worry then squeezed the trigger again. CLICK. He pulled the trigger again. CLICK. He looked at the gun with dismay.

Crazy Mamba let out a thunderous laugh. “It would appear that you are out of bullets Mr. Crane. What a shame. You are now easy meat for my axe to grind.” Crazy Mamba unleashed another loud, demonic laugh. “You know the easiest thing in this world would be for me to march over there and hack off all your limbs then simply walk up the stairs and out the door as the true last one standing, but you see, I’m not going to do that Mr. Crane.”

“What do you mean Crazy Mamba?” Xavier Crane asked.

Crazy Mamba sighed with disappointment. “Oh Mr. Crane, did you not hear me when I asked you to try and shoot me between the eyes? I asked you to try and grant me my wish that I can die. Why do you think I came here tonight Mr. Crane?”

“I don’t know, maybe play a few games of pool.” Xavier Crane guessed.

Crazy Mamba snarled with indignation. “Mr. Crane, I assure you there would be numerous less convoluted, complicated, and less potentially fatal avenues I could have pursued if all I wished was to play a few games of pool.”

“Then why Crazy Mamba?” Xavier Crane asked.

“I came here for my endgame. I bathed in the blood of my combatants with the goal that I would shed my own and be taken from this world to join them in death and thus become the queen of the underworld.” Crazy Mamba exalted.

“You know, feel I have to say, you not putting this on your resume was sort of misleading, just saying is all.” Xavier Crane commented.

“But now Mr. Crane you are out of bullets and therefore cannot fulfill my wishes.” Crazy Mamba pointed out.

“Um, you want to give me some new bullets?” Xavier Crane suggested.

“I do not have any Uzi bullets Mr. Crane.” Crazy Mamba declared.

“You want to give me a different gun I can shoot you in the head with?” Xavier Crane presented as an alternative.

Crazy Mamba groaned with annoyance. “Oh dear God. Look Mr. Crane, you have failed me in my quest so I am really going to have to achieve my goal in a different way, and a way that will take both of us out so consider it a win win.” Crazy Mamba went to open her robe.

Xavier Crane reacted with alarm. “Hey, I don’t think there will be any winning for anybody if you show me what’s under your robe. I really don’t want to see what’s under your robe.”

Crazy Mamba let out a taunting, sinister laugh. “Oh, but Mr. Crane, believe me you do.”

Crazy Mamba pulled open her bathrobe, revealing a red negligee but more importantly also an explosive vest that was packed with dynamite. “So long Mr. Crane, see you in hell.” Crazy Mamba pressed the detonator with a euphoric smile upon her face. Xavier Crane turned and dove to his left, trying to get behind the statue. There was a massive explosion, and a ground shaking rumble. Flames spit out from the explosives wrapped around Crazy Mamba, engulfing the entire room as Crazy Mamba herself was shattered into pieces that spread out all across the room. As the reverberations and echoes of the blast subsided it gave way to silence except for the crackle of the flames that now were almost entirely covering the room.

All was still, just the fires that were raging away. All was silent except the sound of the flames. There was nothing else within the room.

Then, there was a movement within the room…

Xavier Crane slowly lifted his head and sat up from the ground. He clenched his left calf which was bleeding heavily from shrapnel wounds. He grimaced and grabbed his right shoulder which was also bleeding from shrapnel wounds from the blast. Xavier Crane scanned around the room. Crazy Mamba was gone. Xavier Crane was wounded badly but he had survived the blast. And now he truly was the last one standing.

Somehow he had made it through the gauntlet of unforeseen problems. Against all odds he had prevailed. The heist of the century could still go down and he could still get to his beach and drink his rum from a coconut. Xavier Crane had won. He had done the impossible. He was still going to pull off the heist of the century.

He quickly darted his gaze around the throne room to try and see if there were any treasures that were still salvageable. He immediately concluded that there was nothing left that wasn’t completely destroyed and burned beyond recognition. That was o.k. though. There was still the contents of the safe and that would be more than enough for him to retire and get out of the game.

He made his way through the flames and then up the stairs. He hobbled over with his walker to where the safe was and pulled out a long rope and wrapped it around the safe. He threw open a drawer of the desk in the room and took the keys for the funeral home’s hearse. He carried the other end of the rope with him as he hobbled on his walker and exited the front door of the funeral home. The hearse for the funeral home was parked on a cross street that led directly toward his apartment. He stabilized himself on the hearse and tied the end of the rope to it. He twirled the keys for the hearse in his hand. It was time for the getaway. He placed the bag of valuables that had been taken earlier and set them on the front passenger seat then folded his walker, placed it in the hearse and got in and sat down behind the wheel. He placed the key in the ignition and turned it. The engine started with a gentle rumble. Xavier Crane smiled triumphantly and spoke out loud. “Paradise, I’m on my way.”

He placed his foot down on the gas and the hearse lurched forward with rapid speed and crashed into the wall of his apartment building, Xavier Crane’s head striking and breaking the windshield, knocking him unconscious...

Xavier Crane lay on the bed of his prison cell, the night before his scheduled execution. “Yeah, you know, looking back, to have come so close, to have almost had it, almost pulled off the heist of the century, if I had it would have been beautiful. But, I guess things just don’t always go as you plan. So if you ask me, do I have any regrets? Well, fact of it is, only that I was right there in that moment, almost had it, and to look back at it all and realize that success was only a blink away, well that is a bitter pill to swallow. And so I lie here in my cell, having been here the last ten years, tomorrow being my execution date, imposed upon me due to my role in the heist and now, not sure anyone hearing this could actually believe me, though that doesn’t make it any less true, but I wouldn’t take it all back even if I could. You know truth of it is, I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. Man, that was a crazy night. But you see, it’s like I said to Emily that night, sometimes you have to reach for your dreams and I was going to live even if I had to die to do it. And that night I did feel truly alive. Emily, hmm, I wonder how it is she’s doing? Haven’t seen or talked to her since that night for reasons that should be obvious. She made her escape and I’m glad for that and it would be incredibly foolish if she were to draw attention to herself so that they would then uncover her role in the attempted heist. You know, I sincerely hope she is doing well and found a life within which she can be happy. No way to know that of course, so, I think I’ll just tell myself that that is how things are for her. Telling myself that makes me feel better and brings me comfort. But as for me, as I’ve said, tomorrow is my execution date. Really not much more for me to do now. I’ve told my tale about the heist of the century. Don’t have any family, nor will I be receiving any visitors of any kind. My last meal has already been served. Really nothing else for me to do at this point except try to get some sleep, which I actually think I will be able to do. I have no regrets. And then tomorrow the guards will lead me to the execution chamber and the deed will then be done. I suppose I’ll just close my tale by giving another little detail regarding the coming execution itself. I told them that I wanted to go out in that moment in a way that had meaning to me, an object I could have with me that would bring me some peace as I passed into the great beyond. I told them it was something that had great sentimental value to me and I would be forever grateful if I was allowed to wear it when the execution was performed. I was quite pleased that they said they would allow it for it will truly bring me peace when the moment finally comes. What I wanted was a piece of jewelry, a necklace, at the end of which was a pendant, a pendent that had images of the sun and the moon encased by a star. And so when the state puts me to death I will have that pendant and necklace around my neck. I also instructed them that after the execution I wished for the necklace and pendant to then be removed after my death, removed by someone else’s hand. So, no question tomorrow should be an interesting day to say the least, and, quite possibly a heck of a lot more interesting than anyone expects. For tomorrow I am to be put to death. But who knows, later that day I may well again be walking the Earth, but only at a somewhat more rapid pace. And who knows what the future may hold. Maybe I can still pull off, the heist of the century.”

                                                                      The End