When Godzilla chomps at Chickenfeed (Non Fiction)

I know that I was the only sperm to have made this far ahead of 10 million others, but I can't take it anymore; the thoughts swirled along the ice cubes in a destructive vortex of violently rotating whiskey storm in the tumbler. With trembling hands I lifted, kissed the tumbler and guzzled down the storm in a flash. The burning liquid assimilated as it travelled down my gut. In no time it started taking over the charge of my constitution. Yes...Yes...Yeaahh!!! I feel the storm swirling in my heart and the blood started pumping mercilessly in my veins. Stirring that little heart crazy, so crazy that it banged hard against the walls of my chest. Banging hard enough to rip out. The time has come my friend! The bird won't fly again (smiled as I told that to myself with bated breaths).

     I wobbled as i tried to get up but managed to balance the chassis by my hands pushing against the wall. "I had a little too many, how many? Who cares now for the decision has been made", I assured myself as the sweat droplets rolled down my temple.

     I stretched my hand and got a grip of a piece of cold metal that lay on the table next to the tumbler...i pulled it closer to my head; the feel of that metal barrel got my heart pounding harder as the cold metal barrel pressed against my head turning my feet cold; am I taking an easy way out? Yes the pain would end straightaway instead of lingering forever.

     I said these lines to myself and went to the washroom, just to look in the mirror for one last time before the lights could flutter away from my eyes and the soul, like a bird, could break free from its cage. There in the mirror stood an angry looking teenager with bloodshot eyes whose certificates said that he was an ace shooter and victor at various sports...then where did it go wrong?

   Contemplating... the intoxicated mind took a dive into the depths of nostalgia zapping through the memories...it got locked over a scene where the hand that rocked my cradle once, brought me the books to grow old one day. Old enough that my success could be gauged only on the basis of exams which were never meant for me. There was actually no country for non-engineers and doctors in the eyes of our traditional Indian middle-class family .  And I was literally dragging my feet everyday to live a dream which others had fabricated on me...

     Now I had failed in the exams and all my friends had moved on to the colleges of their choice, leaving behind a complete loser...someone who was now unacceptable in their society, an abomination, a failure with no future; talking to whom was now a taboo. Tears streamed down my cheeks when I looked down upon myself through the eyes of my friends. Perhaps that's why even my Girlfriend gave up on me.

    I cried "Oh god! why did you made me to see this day?" I realised that I was barking the wrong tree as there was no God around and I was talking only to myself. My whole world was coming down crashing around me, trying to bulldoze my mind into a passive coma. All dreams and love promises were popping like soap bubbles around my head. That does it, the annoying mouth had to be shut down forever now. The barrel was now in my mouth and I did not prefer to close my eyes as I wanted to look at myself while squeezing the trigger slowly....Tick Tock Tick Tock an angry teenager with a gun in his mouth...tick tock tick tock

    Suddenly my mind traversed into a phase of life where I used to call my richard as my "Gun". My Richard?? in my mouth? OMG I bursted into laughter and while pulling out the gun it suddenly went "Bang!!!!" i had accidentally squeezed the full trigger while laughing. I quickly scanned my self to find if I was leaking from anywhere? Thank God, I looked around and found that only a chip of the plaster from ceiling had fallen on the ground... consuming all the momentum of the lead. I went to the room, kept the Gun back and refilled the tumbler.

The endorphins had kicked into the blood streams and the depression was slowly melting away waking up my sportsman spirit. The hole in the ceiling was the wake up call for me and I and decided that I won't give up without a fight beyond the lifeline. I explored all avenues and buckled down to the idea that If colleges did not accept me then I will open my own college. Next morning I made an avowed intent about my new target. Everybody thought that I had lost my grip on reality and sometimes even I doubted my own sanity. But the study, strategies and the tough grind which I had inculcated to fill in the social gaps that my dear ones had left behind ensured that I would land somewhere at least. So I irrigated the seed of my Idea with blood, sweat and tears and watched it germinate slowly, taking a shape. Every setback used to throw me back to my tumbler again and I contemplated at that bullet hole in the washroom; it reminded that I had taken the toughest decision of my life as my only choice that night, and now there was no turning back. Next day i used to double my usual work and one day success came knocking at my door like a Santa with more than I had ever wished for.

   Now whenever I find someone down or planning to give up the ghost, I tell them of what I had been through and how a little humour and the hardest decision changed my life forever. One day my kid (who is a topper) asked me why I had failed in entrance exams? spontaneously i replied "Because I am a Godzilla who was chomping at chickenfeed"...he laughed innocently and went to school.

P.S. I turn down the Facebook friend requests and calls of all those friends who once had deserted me every now and then. (Karma is a Bitch)

@chainedinshadow