Was

You're far away,

A memory, a fleeting thought.

You used to be everything. 

All I thought, all I dreamed.

Every song reminded me of you.

I'd count the minutes

Until we could speak

Until we could meet.

I'd twist myself up in knots

Impossible to unravel.

Over you.

Over us.

I'd rack my brain trying

To come up with the perfect thing to say and always ending on disdain. 

For you. 

For us.

The distance between us,

Your apathy, my dependence.

I'd run in circles

Jump through hoops.

Your fire never scaring me away as it should have. 

You'd go silent and I would climb the walls looking for reasons why.

Then I'd melt.

In a puddle on the floor and you'd come in once more.

Trouncing on my tears and feelings,

Announcing that you're here.

So I'd pick myself up and

Pretend like I was fine.

I'd open my arms, my heart, my life, again.

Answering the phone before it rang even once.

In the dark, in my bed.

Talking and laughing and crying.

Adding bars to the prison of my own insecurity and self-doubt.

Grasping for you, trying to hold on.

Your voice soothing and then 

Like pliars peeling my fingers back,

Releasing my grasp.

Pushing me away again and hoping

I would still come back.

Knowing I would.

Until I wouldn't. 

Until I was gone and you didn't even realize that I was.

Because you were used to what this was.

But it was.

And it isn't now. And it never will be again.

But it will be in your memory.

I was there when you got that tiger tattooed

And I know you'll think of me.

And I know you'll think of what this was.

But it isn't.