Unapologetically Me.

If I were completely comfortable in my own skin, which let's be real - I'm not, I think I would start by loving my own body. As it stands, I am not comfortable with my physicality, which unfortunately lessens my feelings of desirability when it comes to the opposite sex, and on my worst days, even feelings of worthiness.

If I felt completely uninhibited, I'd probably say and do less, not more. I am an open book, volunteer information to people that aren't necessarily asking for it, and often over-share. I do this out of insecurity, mainly. I feel like if people don't know the "good parts" of me, or even the "bad parts" (obviously said humorously self-deprecatingly and endearingly, even intelligently), they will not bother getting to know me. Or liking me. Or loving me.

I also do too much. I compulsively tell people how I feel about them, mainly in the form of spilling my guts and feelings out to men, past and present, that I care about. I have a history of over-acting when it comes to making others aware of how I feel about them. I do this to make myself likeable and in hopes of getting something back from it, mainly reciprocity. But I can't lie and say sometimes I test waters just for drama's sake, when I'm ultra-bored and insecure and wanting some sense of excitement. I text people things wayyy too self-disclosing to get reactions. I kiss boys to show that I'm a good kisser. Sometimes I have sex because I'm afraid to stand up for myself and say no when, although not pressured or anything, I honestly don't feel up to it.

I'm a people-pleaser. I care too much about what other people think. I take the adage "life's too short, tell people what they mean to you" too seriously, and to extremes. I use some of those (not-so-wise) cliches about life and "living life to the fullest" as an excuse to make mistakes. I use it as an excuse to put myself out there when, in reality, I'm already "out there" enough, and could probably benefit from being silent, confident in who I am, without having to constantly blurt everything about myself out to people who, sometimes, don't even know me well. I should say those who ESPECIALLY don't know me well, as that is usually the case. Trying to prove I'm likeable without giving people a chance to get to know me at a slow, normal, easygoing pace.

I need to be at peace with who I am and not feel compelled to tell everyone who I am. I need, for once, to be approached instead of do the approaching. For once, I need to let good things come to me, instead of chasing them so obsessively.

If I were to be completely comfortable and uninhibited in my own skin, I'd do less compulsive over-sharing and over-acting. I'd, paradoxically enough, NOT tell people how I feel about them as much, especially if my reasons for that are selfish and insecurity-based. I'd only speak and act when I felt confident that I was doing so for the right reasons, and not to get some sense of reciprocity back.

Funnily enough, I never tell people how I feel about them if it's bad. Again, it goes back to people-pleasing and caring too much what others think.

That is what I would do if I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Damn, writing this was therapeutic!