Loose Ground

I awake and theres a tree branch only inches from my face.

The steering wheel is pressed hard against my chest. Looking down, I can't see my legs, they are encased within folds of plastic and metal.

Attempting to move and the pain shoots up my spine with such a surge that it feels as if my head will explode.

Everything around me is washed with blood. From the look of things.....my blood.

My mind assumes it's merciless default position with total contempt for my immediate dilemma, as if this predicament is an everyday occurrence.

It says ; right out of left field

I've proven to be a crap judge of character when it comes to women.

As if I am hell bent on pursuing a cycle of action to ultimately reach rock bottom through poor choices and indifference.....

I sneeze and my body tightens into spasms spiking another surge of pain.

'Oh fuck' thats an oak tree. 'Why does it have to be a fucking oak tree?'

Snot and blood drip from my nose as I curse the allergen.

It also says:

She seemed so innocuous. Mousy, softly spoken and even tempered. I bet the farm on her based on appearances and poor research.

Someone once told me that you roll the dice and hope for the best in all things. Even though I imagined myself punching below my weight..... snake eyes.

Then I remembered the briefcase. Carefully turning my head, I hoped to catch a glance of it in the backseat. From my vantage point though, all I could see was foliage, broken glass and a pizza box.

Returning my gaze to the oak tree. My eyes started to water.

It continues :

I spent 19 years with that psychotic bitch. I could never have imagined that such an unassuming vessel could hold such a scheming and manipulative entity.

A house.....check. Three kids.....check..Trapped into years of compromise......check..

2010 turned to shit. Under orders from the matriarch, my kids discharged me from my paternal duties. My business fell apart from my own inertia and I found myself alone and staring into the empty void of what was left of my pathetic busted life.

Depression is a strange animal. It forces you into embracing the limiting machinations of your bastard mind as all awareness and intuition leaves the host.

No longer can I feel my legs. My hands reach under the crumpled dash in an attempt to tweak some feeling. Nothing. The branch coaxes another sneeze..........nothing.

My body feels cold and my mind continues it's sadistic onslaught.

It concludes :

Its a surreal moment after you spend a lifetime observing yourself under such concrete illusions only to finally watch the foundations fall away.

Theres a groundlessness that sets in that cannot easily be communicated.

All ideas of you become a vague memory. What is left is a shell. You crawl inside that shell as it is the only place left to go.

I am constantly amazed by the narrative and analogies it spits out. I gave up identifying with it when I was a kid, I just figured I'd been given the wrong one is all.

My vision is blurry and I can no longer swallow.......

Without family or livelihood my moral compass went haywire. I returned to old ways.

The Iranian offered me a foot back in the door. I accepted his deal. It seemed like easy money and I needed the distraction.

When things went ass up at the meet I seized the moment, grabbed the briefcase and floored it.

Trapped here, pinned inside this tin can all I have for company are waves of unrelenting thought and the dead weight of my pointless existence.

There is movement outside the car. The sound of a heavy accent and loose ground under foot.

I hear a branch snap and I close my eyes.

I continue to watch my tormented life on playback all the while hoping that my circumstances beat the bullet to it's mark. .

Either way.........it ends here.

Thats all folks........