It's when everything is almost perfect that it completely falls apart.

I still feel lonely in a way that no one can really help. I keep prodding myself with different forms of social interaction, I need it in my veins but no matter what I do there is an emptiness and I don't know why.

And I've felt this before and it was hard then and it is hard now and I think I feel the kind of lonely where I feel hollow when I am alone so I surround myself with poisonous people who fill me up and I'm drunk on a lie and then when they leave I live on the light-headedness that laughing and smiling brings.

I think the reason I talk so much is to fill the silence because I'm scared they'll think I'm boring or uninteresting and run away. I keep talking to lengthen the time that they have not made up their mind up about me. I talk and talk to fill the air and eventually say something potentially interesting or funny and then you'll remember why you keep me around and I can take a deep breath because being alone is harder and its quiet and every thought I have stays locked inside. I talk not because what I have to say is important but that I need to talk to feel important. That you would give me your undivided attention and listen to the words as they leave my lips makes me high.