My Prince

My call echoed in the emptiness: “Prince of Darkness, who are you?”

There were no bovine horns, no glowing eyes or sharpened teeth to see. Only the inner declaration of a dispirited voice from within my mind:

“I am the outside toxicity that enters into the soul. I am subtle and poison slowly. I am vanity, unrealistic perfection and lack of self-acceptance. I can be found when greed encounters desperation or fear - and where empathy lacks. When “winning is everything” - the goal becomes more precious than the soul of another, and you feel its power. Some have even called me “competitive” or “proud”. You hear me in the words of those, who openly judge others. Where there is a lack of acceptance or appreciation, look for me. Many, unable to forgive themselves or others, have come to personally know me on the other side.”

I had to ask, “So, what could you possibly have to offer?”

The voice proposed, “How about a reprieve from your pain? You don’t have to look too closely at yourself or the situations around you. Hell, you don’t even have to accept them as reality! How can something that you refuse to acknowledge actually be real? I have a fine selection of escapes - drugs, sex, entertainment, obsessions, rationalizations, denials and scapegoats - to choose from. If you need love, allow me to offer you the ‘illusion of love’. Who says money can’t buy love? It has been said, however, that ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ ”

Furious, I blurted out, “Those last eight words are bullshit! I would give damn-near anything to hear my husband admit that what he did was cruel, hear him sincerely apologize, and see him make some kind of effort at amends.”

Laughing, the Prince of Darkness taunted, “You know that will never happen. Get real. The only way your husband is going to appreciate you is when you are gone – and you don’t have the balls to leave. You just sit with your head in your hands, crying, ‘I can’t live without him.’ . . . Then, again, haven’t you also done the unforgivable? Why is it that you expect an apology from your husband, when you have done the very same thing? The only difference is that he didn’t sneak around and lie about it!

“Shit. How do you know?” My heart ached with regret and guilt.

In a matter-of-fact tone, “I am The Devil and know the darkness in your soul. Just because I am malevolent does not mean that I am wrong. Even a liar tells the truth, at times.”

He continued, “So, what will it be?” . . .

Herald-Press Obituary:

<strong>Laura Lynn Tutor</strong> – wife, daughter and friend – took her own life on Friday, June 16, 2017, at her home in Gainesville, Florida. She was 29 years old and was a volunteer at the “Head Start” Program.

Funeral services will be held at the First Baptist Church of Gainesville on June 18, 2017. All are welcome. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be sent to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.