The One That Got Away

There were whispers about why. Why I chose you. What I saw in you. I told them about your soul. How beautiful it was. How radiant your energy was, my God you were so bright the first time I saw you.

 I knew right then. You were exactly what I needed- exactly what I wanted. You brought the best in me that I wasn't even aware of. You endured the biggest most extraordinary heart that gave so much in everything you said and in everything you did. You were gentle and smart.

Every moment with you was precious and locked away as a memory. You thought you were lucky to have met me but I knew I was the one that was lucky to cross paths with you. 

I still remember the day you told me you loved me. It was raining and we were soaked from running to your car. We were shaking but I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or the laughter. You put the heat on and I reached over to dry you off with my jacket. You caught my hand and our eyes met.. but.. this time.. it was different. You said "why? Dry yourself off first." I responded "I don't want you to get sick." A small smile snaked its way on your face. You whispered, "God I love you." 

That moment..that day.. replays every so often when I think of you. You looked at me like some kind of goddess. Someone who wasn't from this planet. Someone different and unique who challenged you and made you think outside of familiarity. You loved my goofiness and my daring personality. You loved my horrendous laugh and called it contagious. You would always tell me how much of a good mother I was going to be because I was concerned and caring. You loved how much I loved kids and how much I acted like one myself. You told me I was a vision... a mirage that seemed too good to be true. Lots of times I just smiled. Because you were just as amazing to me. I loved the way you smelled. It was probably the cologne you used but you still had a certain scent that drove me wild. I loved your hypnotizing dark hazel eyes that spoke to me without words escaping your lips. I loved how much you loved your family. You were such a family man it made my heart warm. You were driven by passion in dreams that you had for the future and I had never been more attracted to you then I was then. I loved your smile. That smile... it made me melt. I loved the smirks you'd flash at me right before you leaned in to steal a kiss. I loved how you played all the songs that you knew the lyrics too so that you could purposely annoy the hell outta me. Your voice.. was like sweet honey. Always comforting me along with your strong yet gentle arms that entangled me in every embrace. I Loved the feeling of your fingers dancing along my back on a sunny day while I laid in the grass. The way your fingers intertwined with mine and how you kissed my hand with it still in yours. 

You showed me that love does exist. That you have made me who I am today. I have learned so much from you in judgments that I make and choices that I choose. I miss you. 

Lots of times I wonder what it would have been like if you were still by my side. Would we have been to Italy together like we wanted to do for so long? Do you think I would have gotten that tattoo you suggested? What do you think would have happened if we actually did buy that little apartment we looked at just for fun that one day? Do you think I could've convinced you to buy us that black cat in the pet store and allow me to name him Salem? What about the simple 2 story house we always talked about and all the paintings I would stop and look at and say "this is going in our house."

 Do you think we would have named our children what your mother wanted us to name them? She really didn't like the idea of Taylor for a boy because it sounded more like a girls name. We would nod but roll our eyes in secret. 

Sometimes.. I think that if I had just said yes when you asked me to marry you... we would have had it all.

I know at the time...everything was complicated and

Confusing. Because although I had you, which was everything, I was still deeply sad. I was sick. 

Depressed. 

Lost in my own darkness and not finding the light fast enough which was you. You said you weren't gonna leave my side. I said to leave me alone and you didn't. As time went on I went from saying some things to saying nothing at all. 

Some days I caught you crying. You were hurting because of me. Because I was broken. Damaged. You felt helpless because you couldn't help me. I became angry, more with myself for allowing this pain to find its way to you. One night you reached out for me to comfort.. those arms and hands that I once found comfort in I shoved away. I yelled at you. Pushed you. Told you to leave. That it was over. You were still, but then, you got up, looking lifeless. "Fine." You said. "I can no longer take this anymore. It's not fair to me. I thought that this was something we could fight through together... but I guess it was just hope that I had alone." Then you walked out. 

I cried. But it wasn't the loud ones I would have. It was those silent cries. Where you feel tired with yourself and the situation. Where you don't want anyone else to hear. Weeks turned into months and I found a good therapist who helped me so much. I'm not 100% there but I've regained the life that I had lost for so long.

I debated so many times to pick up the phone and call, but I didn't. I was a nuisance. I couldn't put that burden on you ever again. I heard you took that job that you were offered in Philadelphia. You rejected it at first because you couldn't bear leaving me. But you did.

You left me. 

But I can't hold that against you. You had to move on with your life. You had dreams and that's what I loved about you and also supported you in. I also heard you called my mom once in a while to ask how I was doing and was so happy that I was doing better. Mom

Would tell me that you thought about visiting but then became busy with work and found that you couldn't find time. 

You stopped calling. 

And I saw a picture of you on social media. You looked different. You cut the long curly hair I loved running my fingers through so much. And you were much more leaner, probably stressed from work. 

But you had that twinkle in your eye and I could tell by the way you had your arm around your new fiancé. 

She's so beautiful. And she seems like a very nice person. I could tell by the way you smiled at her in your pictures that she was making you happy.

Because that was the way you use to smile at me. 

Although this isn't what I imagined our goodbye to be, I'm happy that one of us was able to get the happiness we deserved. Thank you for allowing me to meet you. Allowing me to love you. I will forever cherish our times together. And I know your gonna be a great father and husband. Love you always

-The letter I never sent