Looking for Something (an excerpt)

“Okay, girls. Remember how to do everything?” The wedding planner bent down and went over the steps with the two little flower girls. She told them a few things, then stood up and looked at me. “Follow the girls and the music. The steps are easy, one-two, one-two, one-two. Okay?” she asked, looking me in the eyes to ensure I understood.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got it.” And I prayed that I did, because everyone here, including the wedding planner, knew how clumsy I was in high heels.

As we stood facing the closed doors and waited, I took a peek behind me to catch the look on my sister’s face. Our eyes met and she winked. I was so happy that there was no sign of fear or stress marring her features. This had been a long time coming for her, fifteen years to be exact.

The music started and the doors swung wide open, giving us a view into the church. My head raised and I saw David, my future brother-in-law, as he stood at the altar, craning his head for a glimpse of Hannah. My heart stuttered for a moment, so happy for them, but also sad that I’d never have this.

David had been the best thing that could have happened to Hannah, and me, too. He’s loved her since she was ten and he was fifteen. If anyone deserved her, it was him. He’d been her best friend and protector since the day they met. I’d even benefited from his strong arms when he and Hannah held me together after the worst time in my life. So, when I made my way down the aisle to give my sister over to that man officially, I did it with so much love.

The girls had begun to walk and sprinkle petals as they went. I waited my appointed time limit and began to do my one-two step. I prayed that my ankles didn’t give out on me, or I didn’t trip on something and fall flat on my face. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Hannah’s special day and embarrass myself.

I was doing great until I started to get swept away at how cute my little cousins looked tossing flowers. My eyes followed the petals as they fell from their chubby little fingers onto the white runner, and when I looked up, my eyes followed the curves of the deep, grainy woodwork of the pew straight into multi-colored marbled eyes I hadn’t seen in almost fourteen years. A face that I never thought I’d see again, and one that sent me into a shocked stupor. And that was when I began to stumble and fall forward. My body lurched so fast, yet it felt like slow motion, because I couldn’t control any of it. Just as I was about to land on top of one of the flower girls, I found myself encased in strong arms with my face against a hard as rock chest.

Gasps echoed throughout the church and I took advantage of the shield, trying to recover with my pride in place. There was no need to see who caught me. My body remembered those arms, even though they were bigger, stronger, and older now. Hoping my bouquet of flowers was not crushed, I used my free hand to push myself off him. He waited a moment to be sure I had recovered my balance, and then he stepped back into his pew. I positioned myself in the aisle, signaled the girls to continue, and one-two stepped my way to the alter without crying. It took every bit of strength and energy I had not to run out of there. One last look at David before I took my place off to the side was all it took to see the apology in his eyes. He knew he was going to be here.

The ceremony was beautiful and I used that as my excuse to release some of the tears I had been holding in. We went outside to take all of the obligatory wedding pictures and I tried my best to give them my brightest smile. And even though I knew I was falling short, Hannah and David didn’t say anything. Nothing. Instead I was left with so many unanswered questions.

It wasn’t until the reception, after the bride and groom were announced, that they pulled me into a small private room. Hannah hugged me so hard she crushed a few ribs, and David had us both in his supportive hug. I felt myself shaking from the gut-wrenching sobs that were wracking my body. Too many emotions poured out, and I knew it was a mixture of seeing him again and losing Hannah officially. I mean, I knew I wasn’t losing her really, but she’d be starting her own family soon. She wouldn’t have time to take care of her broken older sister anymore. And, I was okay with that. Sort of. I didn’t want her to waste her time on me anymore. The thing was, I’d really be alone. She was all I had, well, and David.

“Harper, listen. We didn’t know he was coming. David sent an invitation to his last known address, never expecting to get a reply. But a day before the RSVP cutoff, we got his card and decided not to say anything because, really, we hadn’t even spoken to him in all these years. We didn’t expect him to show. I just … I just can’t believe he’s here,” Hannah babbled. I knew she was telling the truth, because the shock and hurt was written all over her face.

“She’s right, Harper. He walked in right before the doors opened and you came out. I didn’t have time to warn you or anything. I’m sorry.” David, always the protector, would feel guilty for not being able to

I pulled back and gave them a watery smile. “I just never thought this day would come. Everything was so final and absolute.” Realizing I was keeping them away from the celebration, I decided I needed to man up. “Look, I’m sorry for ruining everything. Let me freshen up and I’ll be right out. There’s cake and dancing out there, and I wouldn’t miss those for anything in the world.” I pointed toward the reception hall. I kissed them both on their cheeks and turned to find the bathroom.

In the restroom, I sat in one of the lounge chairs and took a few deep breaths. Trying to figure out how I was going to handle having him around all night, I decide to just bite the bullet. Although, I found that hard to do since my heart pounded away in my chest. There was no way to reconcile what he did to me so many years ago. The thought he could walk away as if I never existed and just show up here as if nothing ever happened made me sick to my stomach.

I’d needed to clean my face and fix my makeup, before I could return to the reception. The only way to make this work was to act as if he didn’t exist. Yeah, that was what I’d do. Nodding to pump myself up, I walked out of the bathroom with my head held high.

The music swirled around the room, calming everyone. People sat at the tables talking and eating. I spotted Hannah and David making their way around the room, greeting and thanking all of their guests. I decided to take a seat and eat, because I knew I’d need my strength to get through the night.

Not able to control myself, once I sat down, my eyes searched the room for Aiden. I found him sitting at a table in back of the room with random people– you know, the one filled with co-workers and new acquaintances. When my eyes made it to his face, he was looking at me. Instead of turning away, I stared him down. And then he gave it to me, his delicious cocky, dimpled smirk. There was no way I was going to let it get to me. He’d always been self-assured. Well, until the end, but other than that, he knew he was good-looking, intelligent, and more than liked by everyone.

The person we all knew so well changed and became someone unrecognizable when his mother died. The worst part was he didn’t allow us to stand by or support him. Instead, he retreated and withdrew, cutting all of us off. But his actions hurt me the most, no, he didn’t just hurt me, he killed me. He ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and left without another word.

That smirk of his may have showed a glimpse of who he used to be, but I could see he was different than when I saw him last. He sat tall and sure, but not cocky like his younger self. I couldn’t figure it out, and I most likely wouldn’t unless I spoke with him, which wasn’t going to happen. Breaking eye contact and shaking myself out of the trance he had me under, I concentrated on my meal.

Hannah and David came back to the table to eat and I was happy for the company. As soon as they sat, a server placed their plates in front of them.

“How’s the food?” asked David.

I looked past my sister to answer him. “It is fantastic. We told you not to worry when we went food tasting. This catering company is the best.” I smiled. Hannah was a perfectionist and wanted nothing short of the best of everything for their wedding. And I didn’t blame her, because this was it for them.

“I know. I shouldn’t have even asked. So far everything has been perfection. The best part was saying ‘I do’ to the love of my life.” He leaned into Hannah and kissed her on the lips.

I had to look away. Sometimes it hurt to see what they shared. It always brought up memories of Aiden and me and what we shared once upon a time. The love we had was strong and true. We started as best friends in kindergarten and eventually turned into so much more as we grew. There was a bond I thought could never be broken, but I was proved wrong when his mother died.

“I need a drink. You guys want something?” I stood up and looked at the two lovebirds. They both shook their heads and lifted their full cups.

I walked to the bar at the far side of the room. There was a small line, so I stood waiting patiently. A nice cold beer really sounded good. A six-pack would be better. I didn’t get drunk often, but I deserved it that night.

The goose bumps that rose up my spine shook me out of my internal musings. And although I knew who caused it, I wasn’t prepared to feel his warm breath fan across my neck when he spoke.

“You have grown up to be even more of a beauty than I remember you so long ago.”

I stiffened, hardened my eyes, and turned to look at him. “Well, thank you. I’m surprised you can even remember what I looked like at all. I mean, considering the fact you left fourteen years ago without so much as a word. Seriously, Aiden. What are you doing here? Did you really think you could just waltz in and pick up where you left off?” The words came out of me hard and low.

He tilted his head to look at my face, processing my words. Then grabbed my arm to pull me out of the line so we weren’t in the way.

“Look, you’re right. I’ve wanted to make contact with all of you, especially you, for so long, but I just didn’t know how. I know I didn’t have a right to call you, but when I got the invitation, I thought it was an olive branch. One I should have extended years ago. I can’t even apologize to you right now, Harper. I will though, when it’ll be accepted and understood. When I deserve it, because I know I don’t even deserve your understanding, let alone your forgiveness. Not yet at least. But I’m here to try.”

I smacked him so hard across the face. “Try? Really?” I turned around to expel a huge breath and saw everyone staring at us. I smiled and waved. “Hey, everyone. Wedding entertainment, right here. Just keep watching.” I pointed at myself. God, I was mortified. How many times was I going to make a fool out of myself today?

Air, I needed fresh air. Yeah, that sounded good. Holding my head high, I walked out of the ballroom and the front doors until I hit the biting cold wind that blew furiously. Shit! Too cold! I walked to the end of the landing and leaned against the railing. My hands rubbed furiously to warm up my arms.

Heavy footsteps came my way and a suit jacket was wrapped around my shoulders.

He stood in front of me, giving me a perfect view of his bright but sad marbled eyes. “You’re right, Harper. Look, I don’t have any excuses that you’d want to hear right now. But I’d like to ask one thing of you. Allow me an hour a day to explain little by little until you have all of the information. Then you do with it as you please. But what I want is to be a part of your life again. That’s my intention and I’m being open and up front with you. No hidden agendas. Okay? Think about it, please.” His hands were spread out in half surrender and half open position.

I searched his eyes for any hint of deception, and when all I saw was hurt and remorse, I nodded. He released a breath of relief that relaxed his whole body.

“I don’t know how much I can give you. It’s just … it’s taken me this long to get over what you did. I’m not the same person I was back then, and I don’t think you are either. We were friends before anything else, so I think it best we start there. Let’s try to get to know each other again, like a new friendship, and you can tell me all you have to say.” My arms were crossed over my chest and I held the lapels of his jacket tight to keep me warm or more likely, together. “Program my cell number and call me tomorrow around three if you want to get together. I’m leaving this up to you.” I gave him my information, handed him his jacket, and walked back inside for that beer I needed.

The overcast morning brought feelings of apprehension and anxiety. Hannah and David left for their honeymoon to explore the Italian Riviera last night. Jealousy hit me once again. I jumped out of bed quickly to dispel those thoughts. I should be happy one of us had true love and got to travel.

After using the restroom, I went to the kitchen to make coffee. Not sure how I felt about giving Aiden my phone number yesterday, I sipped my coffee planning my morning. It was only ten, but I had a list of errands to do. A run also sounded good.

Deciding that’s what I was going to do, I placed my mug in the sink, washed up, and put on my running clothes. Out the door I went, while plugging my music into my ears. Once I had everything I ran like the wind on a stormy day. I pushed myself harder than I ever had to the park and back, about six miles. Despite the cold weather, sweat dripped off me in buckets. My legs started to cramp so I stood on my porch and did some stretches before it got worse. I bent down to touch my toes and caught a glimpse of someone passing by the house. My nosiness made me look more closely only to see Aiden jog by equally soaked. What the fuck? I ignored him and slammed my way into the house for a shower. I wondered if he followed behind me on the jog, and if so, how did he know? If he did call me today, I’d be chewing him a new ass, because, honestly, stalking was no way to start a new friendship.

Stumbling through the door with my hands full of grocery bags, I realized, as I glanced at the clock, that I’d been pacing my day based on the time I told Aiden to call. And that pissed me off. The one thing I didn’t want to do was bend my life around him again, ever. Even if we can make a friendship work again, I need to maintain my own independence. He was given way too much of me when we were younger, and I know I lost myself in him. That’s why when he left, my soul died, and not even my friends or sister could help me repair it. It was the sort of thing I had to do on my own, and it took me a very long time to work on myself. So for that reason, I was not going to lose myself to him or anyone ever again.

While washing the kitchen counters an excessive amount of times, and glancing at the clock like I had some place to be, I realized I was obsessing. This is exactly what I didn’t want to do. Even though I gave him a time to call, I didn’t want to sit around waiting by the phone like a teenage girl waiting for the cool boy to call her.

Everyone who knew the old Aiden knew he was punctual, so I wasn’t surprised when at exactly three o’clock my phone rang. I fumbled with the phone nervously and swiped my finger across the screen to answer before he hung up.

“Hello,” I said.

“Harper? Hey, how are you?” he asked.

“Um, good. So, what’s up? How are we going to do this?” I should have bit my tongue to stop the nonsense coming out of my mouth, but I was nervous. And I really didn’t like small talk, so I just wanted to get to the point.

He chuckled, and, knowing him, I was sure he totally rolled his eyes at me. “Well, I was hoping we could meet at the coffee shop around the corner from your house. In about fifteen minutes.”

“Yeah, I can do that. See you then.” I hung up and ran to the bathroom to make myself presentable. I didn’t want to look like I was trying, but I needed to look better than decent. So, with a nice pair of skinny jeans, a cute t-shirt, and a kick-ass pair of heels, I made my way to the coffee shop.

The coffee shop had a cozy atmosphere about it. Toward the back, it held a few quiet seating areas with big fluffy chairs very conducive for private conversations. On the opposite side there were several tables where people used their computers. I spotted Aiden in one of the comfortable chairs in the back. He stood up as soon as he saw me.

“Hi. Thanks for meeting me.” He grasped my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. “Let me get us some coffee. What would you like?” Gesturing to the chair, he asked me to wait for him there. I gave him my order and settled in.

There were quite a few people sitting around chatting and others working on their laptops. Some sat at the bar area in the middle and played on their phones. Hopefully, Aiden and I could get some things sorted today.

“Here you go.” His arm is stretched out to hand me my coffee.

I took a tentative sip, to test its temperature, and hummed. “Thank you, it’s good.”

With a nod he jumped right in. “So, how do you think we should do this? I can just start at the beginning or you can ask questions. Whatever works for you.” He shrugged.

The coffee cup was cradled in my hands sort of like a pacifier. I needed the soothing for this conversation because I knew it was going to get deep. There were questions I had that I knew would make us both uncomfortable.

I tilted my head to look at him. Fourteen years had made him even more beautiful than he was before. He’d matured; there were slight wrinkles at the corners of his eyes and a very small amount of gray hair over his ears. I wondered what I looked like to him. I knew I’d aged a bit. Not as much as some of my friends, but I hadn’t been carded in a while.

“I do have some questions, but I’m not so sure I want the answers or that they’re even appropriate.” My eyes remained locked on his, and he cocked an eyebrow, daring me to jump to it.

“Really? You want me to just dive in?” A nervous giggle escaped my mouth. I hated that traitorous nervous tick.

“Of course. I want you to learn to trust me again, and what better way to do that than to answer whatever questions you have?” he asked.

I had to look away. “Well, how many women have you been with since you left?” Damn, I had just put it all out there.

Now it was his turn to spit out a nervous laugh. “I'll be honest, but do you really want to know?  

I allowed myself to look at him again, and decided that, no, I didn't. “Did you think about me after you left? Because, the way you left feels like you just moved on and forgot,” I said with venom in my voice. There was no holding it back.

Pain crossed his features and planted itself in his eyes. “Harper, honestly. Leaving you was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But god, I was in such a bad place, and my self-worth was shot. There was no way I could have stayed here and brought all of you down and poisoned you with my presence. But get one thing straight, I thought about you every second of every day. I just didn’t think I deserved you.” He pursed his lips for a moment and nodded. “Put it this way, I spent ten years fucking up my life and the other four putting it back together, getting better, so I could come back to you.”

“I just don’t get it. I wanted to be there for you, to help you. I loved you enough for the both of us, but you didn’t let me. Instead, you took off without a word. It didn’t just hurt me, it gutted me.” My eyes were locked on his, boring into him the pain he caused me.

There was nothing he could say to make that better, and he knew it because he hung his head while rubbing circles on his temples.

“Oh, and before I forget. Were you following me this morning?”

His head snapped up and his eyes were wide. “No, I knew it was going to look that way.” He chuckled nervously. “Confession time. I bought a house down the street from yours. Well, the house you grew up in, I wasn’t sure if you still lived there. Anyway, I went for a jog to the park, a bit later than I have been since I’ve been home, and I saw you jogging ahead of me. I didn’t say anything because I really didn’t want you to think I was following you.” Those long, soft fingers of his were still rubbing his head.

I kept telling myself to believe him. Believe everything he’d said so far and everything he was going to say. Why? Because I wanted so desperately to believe him. Looking into his remorseful eyes brought me back to when we were young and in love and had big dreams. Now, we’d been through so much and I’d love to know all he’d gone through. 

Regardless, the whole situation was just weird. He could have just spoken to me but instead he acted like a creeper and I told him as much. “Look, I think we’ve had enough for one day. I have information overload and I need to process it all. Let’s meet for dinner tomorrow; I’ll text you the time and place.” His face shone so open and eager that I couldn’t help but to throw him another bone. “And, I’ll text you in the morning to let you know when I’ll be leaving for my run. But no talking, okay?”

He got me and nodded while standing up. His arms did a weird little dance between wanting to hug me and shaking my hand. So I walked into him, embracing him for a quick moment. I tried not to allow myself to feel the pleasure of being in his arms again.

The next morning when I woke, my mind was filled with more confusion than ever. My heart swelled with the thought of having Aiden back in my life. It felt so big that my chest stretched trying to accommodate it. And I wasn’t sure if it hurt in a good way or bad. I’d be putting a lot on the line to trust him again, but I’d also be doing myself a disservice to allow him to get away again. I needed the answers and I wanted to understand. The time I had to process the little he said last night did not help any. My new outlook on the situation was I wouldn’t judge or over think things, I’d just go with the flow, get all the info, and then make a decision.

I sent Aiden a text message.

I’ll be ready in fifteen.

After I washed up, got my running clothes on and drank a glass of orange juice, I went outside to see if he was there yet. Sure enough, he stood at the bottom of my porch stairs, stretching his incredible body. Have I mentioned how beautiful grown-up Aiden looked? Trying not to seem affected by him, I ran down the stairs and began jogging.

Aiden kept up with me and jogged the whole way by my side. Once we reached our street I sped up and went right into my house without a backwardglance. Inside the security of my home, I fell to the ground in a heap of mixed feelings. I decided to take advantage of my position to do some stretches, while trying to remember his musky, sweaty scent and the way his muscles tensed and relaxed as he ran.

All those mixed up feelings I had would usually be discussed and worked through with Hannah and David, but they weren’t here. And there was no way I was going to call them on their honeymoon to discuss my love life, or there lack of. Even if they were here, I knew at the end of the day, I needed to make my own decisions.

So after a weary day at work, I texted Aiden the time and location to meet for dinner. I chose a dark, cozy place that I knew had isolated tables in the back, which would be good for private conversations. Plus, they had the best Mexican food ever. I gave myself enough time to go home to shower and primp before I had to meet him. 

Entering the restaurant, I looked around surprised to find that Aiden hadn’t arrived yet, although, I was about fifteen minutes early. The hostess stood eagerly behind her podium, so I told her I was going to meet a friend. Since the restaurant wasn’t too busy at that moment, she allowed me to sit and wait for him at a table.

My body began to vibrate when I saw him walking toward our table. I watched as, the once upon a time self-confident boy, walked toward me, fidgeting and wiping beads of sweat from his forehead. With a nervous smile, he kissed my cheek before he took a seat.

“Hi,” I said. That seemed to relax him a bit, because a smile stretched across his face. It was his old, cocky smile.

“Hi.”

An alcoholic beverage was a must for me at that moment, so we ordered drinks. Then I went over the menu with him and told him my favorite dishes. Once we ordered, we sat staring at each other for a few moments, guzzling our beers.

“So, what did you do today?” I asked, trying to ease into conversation with something not so serious.

With a shrug he replied, “I went job hunting.”

“Oh, I don’t even know what you do for a living.” Reality hit once again, as I am reminded that we no longer know each other.

“Don’t look like that.” 

I raised my eyebrow at him in question.

“You know, like you’re upset that you don’t know my occupation. That’s what this is for…” He waved his hand back and forth between us. “To get to know each other again, but just remember one thing. We might have changed and have done things the other doesn’t know about for the last fourteen years, but our souls, our inner selves, know each other very well.”

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A work in progress