/r/depression

There is a subreddit for everything. Need a book to read? /r/book or /r/booklist if you want to bypass the discussions. /r/f1 has helped me follow the season. /r/houseofcards has helped me keep track of what the hell's going on. /r/gifrecipes (with advice from /r/askculinary) gives me dinner every night. There isn't a single question I won't ask Reddit first. 

But I won't ask /r/depression if I have depression. The answer seems obvious. Right? Read the posts, of course I don't have depression. Those poor bastards are depressed. Capital 'D' depressed. I haven't been diagnosed, why would I waste a professional's time? Saying I'm depressed is an insult to legitimately depressed people. 

That's usually my conclusion after I close my browser. The realization lasts about 15 minutes. But then slowly whatever made me open that page comes creeping back in. What if I am? I start to feel a small ball of. Something. Start to knot up inside my stomach. I want to vomit but I haven't eaten anything yet. I reach for a book and make it two lines in before I get distracted thinking about those posts. 

"No" I want to shout it at myself "you're not depressed. Those people have no hobbies or friends. One guy can barely remember the last time he's laughed. You remember. You're not depressed. You just spoke to your friend whose actually depressed. She talked about her depression naps. How when you have clinical depression you feel sleepy all the time. Fuck you, she's depressed you're wide awake. You pulled an all nightier last night watching Mad Men. Insult. You are insulting depressed people by even thinking this. Get back to your book." 

I refuse to believe I'm depressed because nothing I've been through gives me the right to be depressed. I'm not a self diagnosing millennial. I'm just lazy. Just like Mom says. 

If I told anyone that I thought I was depressed they wouldn't believe me. If I asked Reddit what they thought they'd say I was just in a bit of a slump.  They'd say that if I were really depressed, I wouldn't be seeking validation like this. I'd know it when I felt it. Well goddammit I wish I'd know it already.