The Transmuted (Chapter 13)

 It was night now and I burst through the doors realizing it would be the last time through them; the last time feeling the air rush forward to greet me. My cap, the final remnant of my graduation attire was clutched in my hand, the tassel moving carelessly from left to right and left again, unaware of the significance its airy dance held. I was wearing a white oxford shirt, the top unbuttoned without a tie and dark dress pants that moved in tune with my legs. The thought of wearing the clothes for church passed through my mind and I sighed at the prospect, slightly dreading that Sunday alarm that always felt too early. I forced myself, though, to move onto more exciting thoughts, happy that I would soon be reunited with my friends.

“I’ll be there in a second,” I texted out to Anthony.

“Hey, Michael!” A voice called from behind me.

I turned to see Mary, her smooth hand holding and held gently by Zack’s. Forcing a smile, I waved back to the approaching couple. They came to me and I could see them both clearer, Zack’s blue shirt complementing Mary’s blue dress.

“Hey,” I said when they were in earshot, “How are you two?”

“Great,” Zack replied.

My question wasn’t directed at him necessarily but Mary nodded vigorously in agreement and said,

“Yeah, the ceremony was really nice.”

“Yeah, it was better than I expected it to be, honestly,” I hastened to agree.

The ceremony was exactly how I expected it to be. The excitement of the day carried me through most of it, even gracefully guiding through the rehearsed speech of the headmaster and prolonged storm of cliques by our valedictorian, yet it couldn’t push me through the physical reception of diplomas, and I was in danger of falling asleep by the time the ceremony had gotten to the “P”s.

“Now it's all over and we move to the next chapter,” Zack said unloading a wide smile on me. I’d overhead many times that Zack’s smile was his best quality, apparently melting the hearts of many girls before working their dark magic on his greatest opponent who now stood defeated at his side.

“Yeah, I guess it is time for the next ‘chapter’,” I betrayed myself and a note of derision found itself into the statement. I didn’t particularly like the expression, it implied our lives had a definite plot organized into neat periods of times, that as soon as that period of time was over we were changed and given a fresh start in a new world of endless possibilities. When I looked at Mary, the moonlight shining overhead as if marking her off as its own, I knew that this chapter was not at its end, but was stuck in its middle, rambling without end in sight. My misstep seemed to pass by unnoticed as Zack continued to flash his smile at me. I thought it was woefully overrated.

“I’m so happy that you’re going to Camden though, seeing it on the program was such a pleasant surprise,” Mary said with a genuine delight.

I didn’t want her comment to fill me with any joy, in fact, I planned on making a subtle backhanded reply to it, something like Yeah, I guess we haven’t really spoken in a little bit or Yeah, I didn’t know you were going either, but looking into her eyes I couldn’t feel the indignation I expected.

“Yeah, it’ll be so great to have you two there,” I said with a pause between “you” and “two”.

They both nodded as a breeze passed through the familiar courtyard where we stood. Zack checked his phone and looked to Mary,

“Hey I gotta go, my whole family came to the ceremony and my parents want me to come back to see them before they have to go.”

“Oh, Ok cool.”

“Alright, sorry about this.”

“Oh it’s totally fine, I understand,” Mary said raising up to give Zack a quick kiss. The absent indignation arrived but I forced it down quickly, “When do you want to meet for tomorrow?”

“Probably around 11,” He said beginning to walk away.

“OK, great,” Mary said waving at him quickly before he receding into the darkness.

My heartbeat quickened progressively as Zack’s footsteps receded and I tried to think of the last time I was alone with Mary. I couldn’t find it and discovered that my thoughts had all meshed together into a formless blob with Mary’s moonlit face shining graciously over it. We stood in a small silence and I tried avoiding staring directly into her eyes for any long period of time.

Her eyes perked up and pulled mine to her like they were magnetically attracted,

“Oh yeah before I forget, I really hope you can make it to our graduation party tomorrow. It starts at 3 but feel free to come whenever.”

She said it like she knew I was coming, which I still hadn’t decided, but now I was under her spell, eyes locked on her’s and hoping befuddled drool didn’t pour out of my mouth,

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be there.”

I cursed myself for sealing my fate, still locked in her hypnotic trance. She replied to me with a radiant smile that muddled my thoughts worse than before, and part of me wanted to escape her before I did something I would regret. However, I stayed, not sure if I could get my legs to move anyway.

“So what are you still doing here?” she asked her lips glimmering in the moonlight.

I hadn’t thought about that for a while and it took me a while to picture my friends smiling around a Chick-fil-a table.

“Oh, I’m going over to Chick-fil-a to meet up with some people,” I said motioning to the restaurant over in a plaza near the school.

“Oh Ok cool, with Anthony and them right?”

“Yeah. I told him that we shou-”

“-go there when we all graduated, yeah,” she said with a quick laugh, “I remember you telling me Freshman year.”

I smiled dumbly back at her, and my mind picked out an assortment of Freshman year memories from out of the shambles of my thoughts. Rapid scenes flew through my mind like a flipbook: laughing with her in the halls, helping each other out in class, giggling over late-night texts about nothing, whispering clever insults to each other during lectures, lamenting over the school schedule in the morning, sharing her with Anthony and others over drinks at one fast food place or another., and a litany of other sunny memories that felt so small in the moment and incredibly large now. In the past, while trying to chase Mary out of my mind, I assured myself that she’d let that time slip from her mind, but the evidence that she didn’t made my heart cry out exuberantly. Everything else seemed to fall away as my mind began to formulate a plan to declare my love to her, moving too quickly for me to stop it or focus on any one scheme in particular. My reason and sensibility buckled easily against this wave of true feeling and unfounded hope in an impossible future that I felt was destined to occur as I looked into her lush green eyes.

“I can’t believe you remember,” I said, my voice hushed by emotional gravitas.

“Yeah, how could I forget?” I really miss being that close to you,” she said momentarily looking at an invisible spot on her shoe.

If she would’ve maintained eye contact, I would’ve kissed her that instant. Instead, I was just able to contain the eruption of emotion inside. I took a small step forward, but when her eyes were reunited with me I could tell she hadn’t noticed. There was, however, a change in her eyes, what looked to be a sadness that wasn’t there before, but it was shelved away before I could place it. Was it love? Does she feel how I feel? Was it even real? Though I didn’t have a definitive answer, I was thrown into feverish desperation, Mary coming into sharper focus as the edges of reality blurred.

“Yeah, I really miss it too,” I said my voice even more hushed than before and lacking any savoir-faire or bravado.

“Yeah, I know right,” she said, sighing deeply then cheering, “But we should get back to that in college, I would love to have a person like you in my life.”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

We stood in silence for a second, and I could feel myself beginning to brim over with this secret love which threatened to burst out at any time. I thought moving might relieve me of some of the pain,

“Hey, do you want to walk over with me to the parking lot?”

“Oh, yeah sure, I should probably get going soon too.”

We began the journey, one walk I’d taken several times before and that my legs navigated unassisted. I felt as though I made the right decision, as we walked I felt the feeling begin to slowly die down and shrink into the little spark that I usually felt when I was around Mary. The conversation itself also had something to do with it, we asked and answered questions about nothing like what dorm we were going to live in and what we planned on majoring in. Finally, the parking lot came into view and I let a wave of relief wash over me similar to the feeling I got when my parents double-checked my room for monsters. We made it to her car and she stopped by the front door as I walked over to lean on the back door of that side, and we both simply stood, eyes locked to each other again. She laughed quickly,

“Ok, I should probably g-”

“Hey, I love you.”

I always imagined what that moment would be like, I had played out every possible scenario and reply, guessing at the depth of emotion I would feel and charge into every word. I never thought of it like this, blurting out of my mouth without any real thought, interrupting her as she was unlocking her car door. Now she squinted towards me like she was seeing a completely new being in front of her,

“What?”

I wasn’t completely cognizant of the fact I’d really said it until her question and the gravity itself didn’t hit me until I tried to formulate an answer. What did I mean?

“I love you,” as if repeating the statement would change the situation.

“Yeah, obviously I love you too like we’re really close friends Michael-”

“No…” I trailed off unable to accept her facile version of what I said. I looked down so I wouldn’t have to face her with my painful explanation,

“No, I mean I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you. I love everything about you, I love talking to you, I love thinking about you, I love you, Mary.”

My eyes slowly rose, reluctantly moving only due to the small part of me which hoped against everything. When I met her eyes though, every part of me knew I made a mistake. Her eyes were searching, wild and bewildered, like I’d just savagely killed a harmless animal inexplicably. The look made me want to crawl into myself and never come out.

“I don’t understand.”

“Mary. I…”

“I don’t understand.”

“I lo-”

“Don’t say that to me again,” she said anger painting the statement a deep red, “Why would you do this to me? You were the one that told me to-” she shook her head her tone shifting from anger to sadness, “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true Mary, I do love you and I live with this every day.”

She shook her head and her eyes misted over slightly, glistening in the moonlight.

“I can’t believe this…”

My heart shattered and I realized there was nothing romantic or heroic in what I did. Truthfully, I only did it for me unloading my burden onto Mary’s back in hopes that we would throw it off together. But now she would have to carry it with me, while my load wouldn’t be lighter, but even heavier with the knowledge that I hurt her and ruined our friendship.

“I’m sorry,” I said reaching out to console her, my arm losing its way and freezing midway. I wasn’t that person for her anymore.

“I think you should go,” she said looking away.

My mouth opened in protest but I closed it and turned away. I heard the door close behind me and I turned momentarily to see her back out. I looked forward again and began to walk in the darkness towards the neon signs in the distance, the moon still standing carelessly over the school.