Shackles and Keys

I want to believe that Jesus controls my life. I want to blame my mother and say she has control of my life. I hope that I have control of my life. The truth is that none of the aforementioned really have control. Control is not a subjective word. Whatever controls us is our master and we are slaves to it/them. 

I met my master in 10th grade. We dated for a month then. I stayed by his side, never leaving, watching as he dated other girls, never stood up for me or choose to spend time with me. We dated again about four years after we met and then broke up again a year after that. In total, I have been under master's control for nine years. It's a cute system really. He doesn't need to tell me to do something extraordinary for Christmas or his birthday. I'll go out of my way to do three crazy things, if only it will make him happy. He has been able to easily kiss, touch, do more than touch me in moments of solitude. He is the only one I would ever let near my vessel. I am his and I tell him all of the time. If not tell, then I definitely show it. 

I even began following Jesus more seriously after discovering how important He was to him. I've tried really hard not to put him before Him anymore but I often fail miserably to do so. 

I know his Find My Iphone password and the handful of times I have felt it was impossible not to enter his login credentials, it has led me to feeling more heartache than when my father passed away. 

Master hasn't talked to me for the past month. His birthday was somewhere in between the silence. I still made sure his other close friends took him out, I bought him two gifts and they sit on top of my bed frame waiting for him to throw me a bone, a scrap of attention. I know that, like everyone says, I should respect myself more and demand that he treat me honorably, but the truth is that he never has, aside from the one successful stint of dating. He has this power over me that people say I'm giving him but I don't want NOT to be free. To me, its as if he holds the key to my being free of his control. He has not attempted honoring me since we broke up and yet, it hasn't stopped me from waiting at the door, ready to serve him, ready to please him, ready to love him. 

I want my master to be Jesus because I believe He died for my sins, even the sin of idolizing a man before Him. I want to blame my mother because she frustrates me and even made me curse today, an action I seldom do. I hope that someday I will have control and wait for honor. I want to be ready to be served, to be pleased and to be loved. But today, I still feel unworthy. I still feel I have no control and that what I want most in this life is what controls me. I have wanted and cannot imagine wanting anything more than for him to love me. These chains are nearly impenetrable. Nearly. Definitely no key today though.