Anxious coffee

You:

Queue up and wait your turn, Chat to others while waiting. Upon your turn, place order. 'Cappuccino to drink in please mate'. 'Small, regular or large sir?'. 'Regular please'. 'Chocolate sprinkles?', 'yes please'. 'Anything to eat?'. 'Hmm, actually yeah, I'll have a chocolate brownie too'. 'Here you go. £4.40 please sir'. Find any chair and sit down. Enjoy your coffee, chat munch your brownie. Relax.

Me:

I can see the counter. It seems so far away. I need to go past at least 5 tables of humans to get there. That's after I've negotiated the others just browsing the store. It's noisy. The voices pound like machine gun fire inside my mind. It surrounds me, becomes fussy and dramatic. TING!!! A spoon hits a cup, to my left I think. DING DING, DING DING!! DING DING DING DING, MMMMMMMMM. Crockery going into a dishwasher, location unknown. CHATTER, CHATTER, CHATTER, not words, just sounds, it's in every direction, closing in. CHATTER, CHATTER, BEEP, TING, DING DING, CHATTER, RING RING, LAUGH, BOOM, GUFFAW, CRASH. BOOM FUCKING BOOM, BUZZING BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!!

I can do this.

I breathe in, visualise my path and plan my route. I can do it, I'll pretend to be using my phone, it'll help me pass the tables. Seating location sensed, far right corner, table on its own, back to wall facing into room. Perfect.

FUCK NO WAIT!!! where's the escape? Where?...WHERE??? It's ok, there it is. Past table 2 and there's an out to the right, takes me back past the books and to the exit. There's another past table 5. Tables 1,3 and 4 will require quicker steps. Noise still present, but merged into process.

I can do this.

I take my first steps towards the counter. Head down, phone up. Avoid eye contact. Far peripheral vision keeps me safe. Follow the route. Instantly the counter moves further away, like it's retreating. It's in your head, keep moving forward, keep moving forward.

Past table 1. So far so good. Head on to table 2, escape route in peripheral. Starts well, onwards. FUCK NO WAIT!! Lady on table, pathway side, moving chair backwards. She'll block route, she'll push societal politeness onto me. Breathe in, Breathe the fuck in. Crisis averted, she was just making herself comfortable.

Table 3, quicken steps and past.

Table 4. No, no and fuck no..he's getting up, he's getting the FUCK up. Slow pace, judge it, brake, slow. Perfect. He's in front, I can follow. NO...NO....he's dawdling, slowing, turning, FUCK....wallet on table. He turns quick, 'Oh sorry, I didn't see you there, I am clumsy'...NOD....SMILE (always remember the smile)....he needs to get back to the table, the gap is tight, he's passing by me sideways, body close and face to face, touching almost, SMILE AND MOVE, SMILE AND FUCKING MOVE. Past him.

Table 5. Escape route eyed. Past with no concern.

Counter. There's a queue. Five people. I can wait, it's fine. No pressure here and allows me time to plan my transaction. I'm calm. I can....NO WAIT!!!! Table 4, fuck, table 4 is behind me, wallet in hand....'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on'...smile, remember to smile, always remember to smile. Nod.

Phone. Use phone as a barrier. Tap, scroll, swipe. Anything.

Head in phone, far peripheral still in use, maintaining contact with all routes, with seating potential. With escape.

Queue diminished, just one more before me. Several now behind table 4. I can feel them on me, their physical presence is weighing me down. Pressure, growing pressure.

The one before me is placing a big order. Constantly adding, constantly changing. Plan it, fucking plan your transaction. They are done. I step forward, I'm prepared....NO WAIT, she's turned back, there's still more, I leap back nearly crunching number 4, 'oh haha, that's one all mate'. NOD, SMILE, SMILE, NOD, PHONE, HANDS, FUCK!!!

My turn, I'm centre stage to an audience of one attendant and a 12 deep queue, 26 eyes watching my monologue, willing my end.

'Cappuccino please'. Confident delivery, assured and to the point.

'No problem, small, regular or large sir?', fuck a question.

'Er.....er....', the eyes burning on me more, pressure, pressure, 'medium, er regular please, thank you'.

'That's great, would you like chocolate sprinkles?'. Another question, I don't hear it, I'm switched off by being switched on to all around me, 'I....er......what?'

'Chocolate sprinkles? On top of the Cappuccino?'

'Yep, yes please, thanks'. Voice weakened, trembly almost.

'Oh I love choc....'....SHUT THE FUCK UP TABLE 4!! I ignore his engagement, my focus remains on the attendant. I instantly worry I've offended with my rudeness, 'sorry?' I hear myself say. 'Oh I was just saying I love chocolate sprinkles on mine. Can't have them now though, have to keep the sweet stuff to a minimum'.

I've switched off, I'm listening but not hearing, DING DING, CLATTER, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ FUCKING BUZZING.

'Any food sir?' Questions, questions stabbing at me.

'What? Did you? What? Sorry?'

'Any food sir?

'NO,' I utter, 'thank you' I add.

'To drink in?'

Queue now 20, 40 eyes, 'Er yes, please'

Peripheral distracted, far right corner table taken. STOP!!! Say 'to take out', say it, SAY IT!!!!

Too late, cup half full.

'£2.40 please sir'

Reach for wallet, hands shaking unable to unbutton clip and unzip zipper, fumbling, hands full of holes, starting attacking at coins as if a bird pecking food. Give up, 'do you take card?

'Yes sir, we have to charge a pound though'

'Fine, yes fine'. Hand card awkwardly.

'Cash back sir?' NO MORE QUESTIONS, NO MORE FUCKING QUESTIONS.

'No..............thank you'

Transaction complete.

RAT A TATA, RAT A TATA, machine gun as coffee mug rattles on saucer in hand, location seeking new pathway to plot, fear of spillage growing.

TABLE 2, she's leaving. Don't think just act, head there with speed.

RAT A TATA, RAT A TATA, RAT A TATA. All eyes watching, judging, preying. Noises, noises everywhere.

Sat down. Table still has used crockery on it. Bad position, people passing behind to reach queue, tables either side, feel hemmed in and worse, back to escape route.

Hands shaking, head sweating, FUCK!!! I forgot to get sugar. It's at the counter.

DRINK, JUST DRINK. Phone out, looking at nothing but just tap, scroll, swipe, eye contact avoidance. I'm ok. I'm safe. With head down I'm closed off to the humans. Drink and go.

'Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here? There's no other free seats' SAY NO! For you own sweet sake, say NO!!!!

'Er.....yes, yes of course'. ARGHHHH.

Fiddle with phone again, slowly get up, smile nod, nod smile avoid eye contact and leave. Coffee still steaming.

Following day:

Coffee at home......burnt my hand on the kettle.