I Believe in the Elephant

I-Programming

The theatre of entrainment covered all fronts. Church, home, friends and family, school.

Church

Mom quizzed me daily, holding her hand over the text while I memorized the Bible picture and Scripture accompanying it. I learned every Bible verse for 13th Sabbath because it was fun to say them faster than the teacher could flip the page.

I sang “Away in the Manger” with my mother in church when I was a year old because she made it a game to alternate words and tones with her. She coached me in the shower, at meals and in the car.

(mom)”Awayyyy in a...”

(me) “MANGE-er.”

(mom) “No crib for a…”

(me) “BED!”

Every week we went to church and sat in the second pew from the front. My parents were elders and mom was faithful in reminding us that “We are leaders and must set a good example.” That meant sitting quietly and coloring or reading our Sabbath School quarterlies and remaining motionless during prayer which often lasted upwards of five minutes. I spent a lot prayer time trying to tap the soles of the deacon’s shoes in front of me without them noticing. Most of the time they ignored me, but occasionally, they’d kick at my hand. The exhilaration made my body crack with excitement.

Around half-way through the following sermon, I’d lay my head on mom’s lap and try to nap while she fished bobby pins from her purse and tried to clean my ear canals. I wanted to wake up when the hypnotic droning was over; instead, I moved carefully to escape her probing. Sometimes she’d go painfully deep when flipping to a scripture and I’d squeal. “Shhhhh” she hissed. “Sorry honey.” And go right back to it.

Home

On the home front, mushrooms provided one of my earliest classrooms. I sat in the backyard, surrounded by provocative toadstools while my mother lectured me on how poisonous they were. “Do not eat them Jaime,” she warned, shaking her head slowly, “They could make you sick or die.”

Die. Even at two the word had ominous overtones that made me shiver. But the mushrooms were so round. When mom came back outside and saw several mushrooms without their tops, she assumed the worst and fed me an entire bottle of Ipecac. I remember violently heaving my guts out and sobbing between gags because it was uncontrollable. I learned not to eat from anywhere but the table or her hand. At least not in front of her.

That was alright because she served Fri-Chik with Mac and Cheese and I loved it. Adventists invented fake meat. We were regular customers at the ABC, Adventist Book Center, where vegi-food could be purchased by the case. Turkey Style, the Adventist answer to turkey sold in plastic wrapped logs, and tomato sandwiches with pickle always pulled me in from the forest. I adored the way my teeth sank into the spongy fibers, how they tore, leaving an edge like those fuzzy tube dresses popular in the 90’s.

Looking at the sun came next. I’d ride in my car seat and stare at the light. It pulled me deep and I marveled at how big it felt, the grandeur of it. Mom caught me once and said frantically, “Don’t Look At the Sun, Jaime! It will burn your retinas! Burn them!” She tried to cover my eyes from the front seat, I tried to obey, squinting as tightly as I could. Mom took the battle to heart. Every time she’d catch me squinting, she’d raise the tone of her voice and bring a tremor to the word “burn”.

Friends and Family

It never dawned on me that something was strange about my love of processed soy and gluten until I went to my only non-Adventist friends’ house and felt frightened when their mom announced there would be meatballs for dinner. I prayed my mom would pick me up before I had to confront real meat. The only meat I’d ever seen was beef stick from Pepperidge Farms that dad ate around the holidays. It smelled amazing but mom assured me that it was “icky, pleh, pleh!!” I’d sneak smells of it at night and occasionally touch it with my finger and lick it when no one was around but I knew I was playing with fire. The rest of the playdate was shot because I couldn’t stop worrying about the dead cow waiting in the kitchen. What if I accidentally LIKED it?

It was more complicated at Grandpa and Grandma Mathis’ house.They were my dad’s parents and decidedly un-Adventist. Grandpa would usually ply us with candy and gumballs and send us home hopped up on sugar, but occasionally we’d arrive for visits that overlapped with Grandma making dinner. All the Lincoln Logs and licorice paled in the dread of chicken and noodles. I played quietly, going out to stand by the creek and pray that we’d leave before things got uncomfortable.

The one time my sister and I were left alone with Grandma, a mealtime rolled around and she placed the dreaded chicken and noodles before us. The smell made me lean over the bowl and inhale deeply. I was terrified and touched the spoon to my lips, praying that I’d not go straight to hell. The taste made my mouth yawn for more. I gobbled the noodles down while Grandma smiled. “See, we heathens aren’t so bad, are we?” With vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce for dessert, I knew I was in trouble.

As I got older, I would think of my mother, who gave up meat for Jesus when she was a kid, and how you had to fight to stay out of Satan’s snares. “He’s sneaky, Jaim.” Mom warned us, “Even the Very Elect will be deceived.” I was on constant lookout for possible traps and meat was the perfect slippery slope to Satan’s lair. So many people ate it who were Christian, or even Good People, but they weren’t Adventist. They didn’t know they were being deceived. Several years later, I was told Adventists were vegetarian because Adventism’s prophetess, Ellen G. White, frowned upon eating flesh. It didn’t matter much, I’d felt the pull of something more tantalizing than Turkey Style and it frightened me.

School

It was foreordained that I would attend an Adventist school and Rivergate Adventist Elementary was the selected institution. I had visions of how I would accouter myself for the first day of school. I’d wear my favorite pair of soft corduroy pants with a cozy flannel shirt and let my long hair cascade down my shoulders. I would sweep into the classroom and read beautifully from a book of fairy tales for Show and Tell. They would let me skip several grades and I would become known an enchanting story-teller.

Mom got to me first with a pair of scissors and a plaid skirt with matching ivory sweater trimmed in lace. Whack! The blades sliced clean, leaving me with bangs straighter than the Narrow Way we were supposed to stay on. “Why do I have to wear this!” I hollered in dismay. “Because I’m the mother and I say so. Besides, you need to look perfect. You are an Example.” She stood in front of me, her hand dead center on my forehead and sighted down her fingers. She parted and re-parted my hair until the line was completely straight. Then she gathered each side into a perfectly smooth pony tail, braided them tightly and wound matching rubber bands around the bottom. As I struggled to get out the door, she handed me a mutant squash from our garden and smiled. “It’s for Show and Tell. I’ll be watching.”

There were six kids in my grade at Rivergate; I didn’t stand a chance of outgrowing the reputation of Geeky Squash Girl until I lost my moral bearings at twelve and became a black sheep.

By then, the programming had settled deep and was starting to run on its own steam. I was terrified of missing out on being kissed or knowing what made life rich before I died. I was also hyper-aware that boys and burgers put me on a dangerous road away from The True Church.

II-Implementation

Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it. -Proverbs 22:6

Cancer

Two months before I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, my mom mentioned a church member dying of cancer. “That’d be the worst thing I can imagine.” I thought clearly, “If I had cancer, I’d die.”

The Christmas I was 8, I wore my new Sabbath dress to church and returned home to the news that I had one of the rarest cancers out there. We left immediately for Stanford Medical Center, the first non-Adventist institution I’d met in more than passing. Suddenly, I was expected to accept a monthly pilgrimage to a land of heathen spinal taps and godless doctors and act grateful.

I rode in the backseat of Grampie’s maroon Plymouth Reliant and stared at my cousins and sisters as dad encouraged them to wave from the driveway. We always spent Christmas in the Napa Valley with my mom’s parents, so the sun was shining and I had to squint to see them. Mom and Uncle Monti chatted quietly in the front seat about the “tests they needed to run.” There was no specific mention of what kind of tests they would be, but I was positive they wouldn’t involve me on a treadmill eating ice cream.

I felt like puking so I laid down and tried to sleep. I knew it wasn’t going to change anything but it was the only trick I had. My Gunnysax dress wrinkled around me and I yelled demon curses at the nurses when they tried to remove it to start an IV.

I was the kid who hated doctors on sight. From infancy, all mom had to do was mention the word and I lost it. Sewing needles were cause to avoid a room altogether. After that first IV, I stopped feeling. From ages 8-11, I knew that every twenty days I was heading into a stretch of pain and things I dreaded most.

In the hospital, voices remained at an even timbre while physical pain ran arpeggios under my skin. I was quiet there- a child who’d been talking since age one. The quieter I was, the quicker things got done and I could leave.

For my 11th birthday, the florist at Safeway hand painted an almost life-sized carousel horse that I hung my wigs and scarves on. One of my favorite activities before cancer had been to play Mermaid in the bathtub. I had long red hair that waved about like titian seaweed as I swirled my head back and forth in the water. The first time my hair started falling out, my heart melted. I couldn’t bear the thought of mom crying over it too, so I pulled it out by the fist-full in front of my mirror, whisper-weeping at another awful trick.

Silent God

I got baptized a year into chemo; it was best not to take chances. Adventists go for full immersion so I knew I’d have to hold my breath while the pastor dunked me and called down the Trinity to watch. I was ready for fireworks and a baptismal certificate that showed I was saved. When the water closed over my head I told myself to get ready for angelic voices welcoming me back. The sensation of water leaving my ears created a momentary buzz that I took as a sign.

Mom made fresh blueberry pie for my Baptism Reception and people handed me cards with gift certificates to the Adventist Book Center. I stood still, trying to feel changed, more connected to hearing God’s voice, but all I could detect was the sound of people devouring pie. The Bible said that we must become like little children to truly experience God, but cancer grew me up fast while my body remained a kid. I felt cheated out of the spiritual benefits of being dependent and helpless. I felt the exact same as I did before being doused. As far as I knew, that was the pinnacle experience for Adventists outside the Second Coming. I started to wonder if it was possible to spiritually plateau before I got my driver’s license.

I don’t remember deliberately trying to stir up dissention until cancer happened. I asked questions and crossed lines if clearly marked out, but I figured that’s normal kid stuff. When I got sick I asked teachers and parents to spell it out. “What did I do to make this happen?” “Why did God let my biggest fear come true?” Church People told me they were praying for me, they sent cards, they brought balloons, they told me, “God has a Great Purpose for you because of this.” I knew to smile and say thank you. All I could think was, “Why don’t you know anything useful?”

Somewhere in the middle of winning Bible verse duels in Sabbath School and losing my hair for the second time, I began to foment. I’d sit in a pleather chair every Saturday, studying the Bible for answers as dreadful paradoxes popped up to stir my angst, “He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.” Why would God want us to be like sheep? Even I knew sheep were notoriously dumb but that was never part of the answer. We are supposed to be like sheep. Not goats. Goats go to hell. So we choose slow and saved or smart and lost? God stayed mute on the subject, his followers dumb. I was mad.

I prayed for my Adventist elementary school to burn down as my prayer request in Sabbath School. My soul tingled as I spoke, wondering, if I was putting my salvation in jeopardy. Mom and dad were told and I was informed in a hushed whisper, “Dad will deal with this when we get home.” After church, I was driven home while the two of them argued over who should discipline me. Dad lost and I got spanked with a leather belt on the bare ass. I made sure to take my wig off so it wouldn’t get in my eyes while I squirmed.

Emotional Incest

Mom and dad fought like a tsunami hitting land from before I can remember. They’d yell about everything from money to religion and circle back around just to hear the windows shake. At first I’d crawl to the bannister and try to see them in action, but eventually I’d head back to bed for fear of being discovered.

When I got sick, the fighting continued but the intervals between rounds were longer because mom came with me for the five day stretches in hospital. I don’t recall any specific situations that pre-empted mom’s pronouncement but she started saying that I was making everyone’s lives a living hell. I took that to mean that I was the cause of their arguments. Neither tried to correct me.

Mom would complain to me about how mean and emotionally abusive dad was to her. He never listened, he took out his anger on her, he didn’t support her in front of us kids. She bashed him when we were riding in the car to the hospital or would show up in my room after a fight, crying and raging. After hearing the gamut of her grievances for years, I started suggesting divorce. “There are no Biblical grounds for that honey.” she’d explain with a quivering lip. “So you’re just supposed to stay and be miserable?” I wanted to know. “He makes me feel crazy.” she’d whisper and go right back to it. By the time I was eleven, I could recite the litany of specific wrongs he’d committed in their relationship. I also knew, per my mother, that he was “great in bed.”

The Road to Hell.

Make-A-Wish Foundation gave me a horse when I was 11 because it was my second round of chemo and I qualified as having a “life threatening condition.” It was the first time anyone asked me specifically what I wanted without God or unselfishness being part of the discussion. I made a list on wide-ruled notebook paper of my wish contenders. Chincoteague pony, see the Lipizzaners perform in Vienna, Morgan horse. The horse won because I wanted a wish that would outlast cancer. If I was going to die, I would go out with a spectacular wish.

I got more brazen after the wish. With a bobbed red wig and a horse all my own, I’d had a lick of freedom that was intoxicating. I was sick of bouncing from hospital to classroom to church to home and being told what to do everywhere. In 6th grade, I started to get creative.

That spring, I convinced my entire class to get up and leave the school at 1.30. Just walk out the doors without saying a word and run to the rocks at the edge of the sports field. There was no plan after that, I just wanted something that said, “So there.”

When the principal came out twenty minutes later and yelled to come inside, I was kept by. Her face was pockmarked and her skin shook when she spoke. “I know you have an interest in being a class leader.” She wore a bisected neon pink/orange tent dress with large buttons down the center. “You can either cooperate or I can make sure you never get what you want.” I stared at her, clicking through the gears. She’s threatening an eleven year old with cancer. But I really wanted to be the 8th grade class president. Her control rankled my intestines, a growl rippling across my body. I folded my arms and glared. “Sure.” I said, “Thanks.”

I did not become the 8th grade class president despite the fact that there were no further uprisings. Eric LaPlante assumed the position and I experienced a sexual awakening instead.

In the midst of being 13, cancer-free, and having hair down to my shoulders, Eric found me appealing enough to kiss on a church campout at the beach. Fifteen adolescents crammed into a tent and started playing “Spin the mousse can” after a rousing game of strip poker. I showed up with my friends April and Monica, bobby pins and barrettes attached to our belt loops so we wouldn’t actually risk nudity. I kept wiping my hands on my jeans so they wouldn’t be sweaty if Eric tried to hold them. God could kiss my ass, as long as it wasn’t bared in front of everyone else.

Elizabeth Shreeve was already naked under a blanket by the third hand. She had huge boobs and the Bobby Pin Gang flashed knowing glances amongst our ranks. Slut. We may have been in the game but we were not going to be easy. Eric sat by her, but when I spun the mouse can, it pointed to him and he smiled at me.

His lips were hot velvet on mine and his tongue moved like a wave.

That was it. Nothing up to that point came close to reproducing the current running through my body. “This is what being saved is supposed to feel like.” I thought as he slowly pulled away. I tried to beam him the idea of an alluring walk along the beach so we could keep kissing but he was already snogging Elizabeth and I had to wait another six months before we kissed again.

These were not church sanctioned activities. We had youth pastors talk to us about keeping ourselves pure for marriage. I nodded right along with the rest of my classmates, but the lure of Eric’s lips was stronger. Guilt knocked occasionally when I’d read my Bible, but I knew that remission was no guarantee that cancer would stay away and kept kissing.

Fall from Grace-High School.

Mom had plans for me. I was to be popular and involved in enriching activities. Sports, leadership, choir, band. The more things I could do, the better. College would be paid for with scholarships. Academy started with her parting words, “Just remember honey, these will either be the best or worst four years of your life.”

A schism in my soul widened over the next four years. On the one hand I was playing the part. Honor Society, Senior Class President, elite choir, varsity volleyball, cross-country, worship team, drama club, school newspaper, you name it. On the other, I was breaking out of our locked down campus at lunch to drive topless with my best friend Angie Bixel as we flashed anyone looking. I didn’t drink, smoke, do drugs or have technical sex-those things were equated with cancer. Anything else was fair game.

All the smart kids were expected to attend Joann Wall’s college-prep course that she held in her living room. Joann had jowls and a powdered face and funneled students to Occidental, Pepperdine, Marquette and Drake. My SAT scores were fine but not stellar, the ACT went slightly better. In a pantheon of intelligent teenagers my stats placed me at a solid overall B+.

Mom was deeply disappointed. Up until the PSAT, I’d consistently tested at the 99th percentile on every standardized test. She was counting on my brain paying for college and despite the fact that I was being offered sizable scholarships for my overall profile, they weren’t to Adventist schools and they weren’t full rides. I was grateful with getting through the tests, period.

I went into the first round of PSAT testing with another choice phrase echoing in my ears. “If you do well on this Jaim, you’re set.” As soon as I sat down and the timer started, my hand flew to my eyebrows and started picking. My life flashed before my eyes, the only shot of living free riding on a few graphite circles rubbed onto paper. The minutes crawled, my eyebrows diminished and I blankly filled in the testing card. When the results came back I’d landed right at 86%. Screwed.

Before the test, I’d had an epiphany. For the last three years, mom and I had participated in The Witness, a musical play on the passion of Christ. That year, I’d landed the lead role and was intoxicated by the lights, the music and the dark womb of a silent audience right before I started singing. I was destined to be an actress. New York City, a world of sound and beauty. It was all I thought about for months.

“I want to be an actress.” I announced to my parents.

“A what?” mom and dad’s faces were flat.

“I want to go to acting school and get a degree in theatre.”

Mom fidgeted, dad shook his head.

“How will you support yourself?”

“I’ll act of course. Be in plays. I love it so much. It would be amazing.”

Mom bowed her head.

“But Jaim, none of the Adventist schools have Theatre degrees.”

“I don’t want to go to Adventist school. I want to go to New York.”

They both sat up straight in their chairs and made noises in their throats. Mom recovered first.

“I’m sorry honey that just isn’t a good idea. You don’t want to end up being a crack smoking lesbian do you?”

“What are you talking about? I want to do theatre!”

They both stood up and that was it. Dad was resolute.

“If you decide to pursue this course, we will not be providing financial assistance. You’ll be on your own.”

I had no idea what to do. Taking out loans was impossible, having been raised with an inherent terror of debt. None of the guidance counsellors at my academy were versed in non-Adventist colleges and I was drowning in a sea of angry self-doubt.

There was one thing I was clear about. I would never attend Walla Walla College. This was the default for Adventist kids in the Pacific Northwest. I’d been accepted to Marquette, Drake, Syracuse and Bryn Mawr, but Mom wasn’t impressed. I was furious. “Why did you even want me to go to Joann’s class if you weren’t going to support the results?”

“I wanted you to have all the opportunities possible. Why don’t you just think about Walla Walla honey? It’s a good school.”

“I’d rather die.”

We left it at that and I left the offer letters to pile up without response. The deadlines came and went and I focused on anything besides choosing a college.

The day after graduation, I was off to Europe with my best friend Lynsey. We were unchaperoned for three weeks. Never once did we touch alcohol, boys, a dance club or a night on the town. Not even in Paris. We did dye our hair bright red in Dublin and took luxurious bubble baths, but the sight of pubs sent us racing in the opposite direction. I started to wonder if something was wrong. The world was at our feet and no one would ever know what we’d done but we couldn’t seem to cross the line between buying scarves and being 18.

Upon returning, I went to work at Big Lake Youth Camp, the premier Adventist summer camp in Sisters, Oregon. At the end of the summer, I was told that “Where there’s smoke, there’s a fire” and not invited back. The only college that would take me on such short notice was Walla Walla. My mother was thrilled. Though my soul shrieked “Sell-out!” I convinced my brain that it was just for a year and then I’d figure out a better next step.

Critical Mass-University

My Freshman year heralded a depression that stuck like wet leaves on a windshield. I was still on the Honor Roll, still travelled with the religious drama team but I started blowing off art class and living on donuts, skittles and bottled water. My boyfriend refused any attempts to push physical boundaries and asked me why I tried to tempt him. “I just want to live.” was my answer. We broke up shortly thereafter.

I applied to Newbold College, a liberal Adventist school in England and was accepted. Any Adventist kid was. It wasn’t a brilliant next step and I knew it. Mom was reticent to send me so far. The debate raged over the summer until it was again too late for me to go to England. I flatly refused to return to Walla Walla. The only option left was Portland State University.

Mom accepted on the condition that I live at home where she could keep an eye on me. I trembled during the first meeting at the Honors College. The students looked like me. They were funny. Knowing that they were likely godless inflamed every evil sensing skill I had. I prepared to be tempted on every front but when no one tried to pass me vodka in class, I quickly relaxed. They were far more engaging than any in my Adventist cohort.

Rolf Skyberg charmed his way into my orbit before I could prepare a defense strategy. His brown eyes sparkled and his easy company erased any fear of being tainted. We’d walk through downtown Portland laughing about our professors and flirting without restraint. I felt safe with him and we never discussed religion. When we were both offered full-ride scholarships through the Honors College I could easily imagine spending the next three years together.

He kissed me just before the school year ended and I reveled in it. When we finally got around to discussing religious beliefs, I found out he was a confident atheist. I couldn’t imagine spending eternity without him, but I’d felt more alive with him than I ever had in Adventism.

Mom liked Rolf in spite of his obvious damnation. It bothered her so much she kept pestering me to head to Newbold the following year. I relented because it was England and because I knew I needed to give salvation one final try before jumping ship for my heathen love. My brain said I’d made the right choice, but my heart wasn’t buying it.

I got drunk and abdicated Adventism the first year at Newbold. I wasn’t convinced that Rolf was going to hell. Learning about religious economics exposed me to the marketing and calculation involved in gaining converts. Bile and rage flooded my throat, I was done being exploited for my belief and faith. I informed mom of my decision on my 21st birthday. She was devastated and didn’t speak to me for six months. A satisfying lightness blew through my chest. It hurt her. I was a free agent now, a fully emancipated adult raging like an abused puppy.

As I considered my options, it became clear that I needed to completely re-imagine reality.

I can’t compare myself now to life before leaving Adventism. I’ve got to start a new timeline and adjust my expectations accordingly. From that moment on, I had my overall age, my Adventist age, and my age as a non-Adventist.

I decided to stay at Newbold because I didn’t know where else to go without getting into debt. Portland was not an option. The fireworks with mom had been too spectacular to return without reconverting.

Rage tightened my lips, laced words with arsenic. I was itching for a fight without a clue how to throw a punch. Instinct honed in on hypocrisy. Girls were allowed in boys’ rooms and vice versa but they had to leave by ten. Fornication apparently kept strict hours. Chapel was still mandatory but students regularly frequented the pub down the road and teachers looked the other way. The outgoing student body president had been gay but was forced to resign before I arrived.

I decided on a campaign to get mandatory chapel revoked but failed at every turn. There was a large contingent of “badventists” but not enough to change protocol. It chafed every fiber of my soul. I didn’t belong there. Still, the thought of leaving for a secular university left me nervous. How did one pay for non-Adventist education? Could I do it without my parent’s co-signing a loan? I knew they never would.

“How the hell am I supposed to escape this world?” My heart had started racing over Christmas and my right leg throbbed. Memories of cancer surfaced and with them, a paralyzing dread. Doctors found nothing wrong and recommended counselling. That revealed a mounting fury at my lack of control growing up.

By the time I graduated I had no plans for the future. I couldn’t bear the thought of further study at an Adventist university but the thought of accumulating mountains of debt from attending a secular university made me blanch. I graduated with no debt because I worked and mom was a teacher for the Adventist school system which gave me a tuition subsidy.

When my parents showed up for graduation, I knew I couldn’t go back to the US, period. There was too much drag, too much history and energy being beamed at me, no room to breathe and consider what I wanted. Karen and I flew to Thailand two weeks later.

The first night in Bangkok, I awoke unable to breathe, certain my demise was imminent.

“I’m having a heart attack. I’m going to die in a shitty hotel on the far side of the world without being able to call for help.” I was being punished for my rebellion, punished for venturing into the world without God. It was time to pay Him back for my lease on life.

III-Reprogramming

“I am not unaware that faith makes living supportable, can make sense out of death, can make any communication both possible and worthwhile…I am looking for faith.” A.L. Kennedy

The Darkening Well.

“I want to die somewhere they know my name.” A place where they would fight to keep me alive. It could only be Portland, Oregon, the last place on earth I said I’d go. I recognized my failure but was too desperate to care.

For the next 36 hours I flew from one city to the next, buying tickets along the way. Perhaps I wanted an adrenaline rush to convince me I would live a bit longer. I was certain that death crouched at my heels, waiting for the divine mandate to put its paws on me. “I don’t even believe in God!” I whispered to my reflection in the plane lavatory. The nagging thought that God was coming to collect on my disloyalty remained.

Nothing appeared in the sky, no messages or pronouncements either way. At 23 I was back at home, paralyzed with fear and indecision, certain I was dying because of a failed bargain with God. Mom and dad were unconvinced I was about to die but mom drug me to all my old doctors out of habit. There were no blood clots, no irregular heart function and no lurking cancer. Counseling and anti-depressants were prescribed for panic. I wanted neither. Mom drove me home and patted my hand rhythmically the whole way. She was praying. I could feel my lungs constricting, vision narrowing to a point. It was happening again.

I read up on panic attacks and kept wondering why I wasn’t dead.

After cancer I decided I could accomplish everything I needed to by 30 – in case remission didn’t stick. I’d even made a list of the things I wanted to do before I died. The list was lost to time but I knew I hadn’t accomplished half of the contents.

I’d been a non-Adventist for 2 years and had yet to live outside of the Adventist world. Even now I was holed up in my Adventist parents’ home, patiently waiting to die on holy ground. Fear coated me like icing. What was chasing me?

And then, a flicker...

As I lay in bed, shades drawn, feeling like the invalid Mrs. Snow in Pollyanna, anger began to beat my ribs. It was stronger than fear, more alive. It burned holes in my pajamas and raged through panic. If I was going to die, I would re-write that bucket list and get some life experience. And this time, it was going to be free of Adventist flavoring.

I stabbed letters onto paper, the smooth flow of cursive refusing to come. Every dream was machine gun print, each idea, an indictment of how little I knew of the world.

Write a book, go to Spain, act professionally, write an album of songs, be in a long term relationship with someone I’m wild about, live on my own, sing solo in public, learn another language fluently, paraglide, walk the Camino, become a Reiki practitioner, try anything that looks fun.

God was still there, dogging my choice to leave the fold. Every action, a lifetime of prayer before meal and bedtime. Each desire, driving from school to church to the doctor and back home to the Bible playing on tape in the background. When I grabbed a guitar, my fingers automatically strummed the chords to “Lord I lift Your Name on High.” Sometimes I’d find myself chanting the books of the Bible forwards, backwards and at speed.

Adventism was my A track. The B track was pitifully small and insanely tainted with Adventist references, even when I tried to create something purely mine.

My head drooped against cotton pillowcases I’d slept on since childhood. The web of feelings, a sopping blanket covering my head, blocked air. I was doomed to chase backwashed dreams I couldn’t be certain were mine. Did I really want to write a book or was that a tactic I had unconsciously devised to give my convoluted world some sense? Was it even possible to start a new track without Adventism?

The ceiling drew closer, offering to crush me in the artificial night of my curtained bedroom. I was too tired to fight, too disgusted with my weakness to lunge for safety. I wished I could drink myself into a pleasant stupor, but fear interceded. The cancer, think of the cancer. The fact that I’d just flown half-way around the world certain I’d be dead in mere days did not free up space to live.

At least there was a list to follow. A direction to limp in. Sleep finally offered escape and no one came knocking on my door to drag me to the bathtub for a scrubbing.

Upon awakening, I plunged back into anger. As I ragefully stalked through memory, looking for any positive contact with the Real World, I realized how complete my isolation in Adventism had been. The moments were sparse and I clung to them.

During Cancer Round 2 my parents took me to the Wheeler Clinic in San Diego, an alternative medicine institute that introduced me to massage. I was the model because I was the smallest human there. It was divine intervention. I had never been touched in such sweeping, nurturing strokes. My body tingled with pleasure from the deep uncurling happening beneath the masseuse’s fingers. I slept without anxiety for the first time in my life. I prayed it would last forever. Twenty years later I still remembered her name, Mary, but had never had another massage.

Then there was Scotland and a Reiki Master named Helen I met during university. She was a silver-tongued poet that radiated goodness. I trusted her before I knew anything about her healing gifts. Reiki was a system of energy healing that could be done on plants, animals and humans. Distance didn’t matter, the energy was universal and moved with a benevolent wisdom that practitioners merely channeled.

That kind of power suggested bargaining with malevolent forces, but I felt so peaceful in its presence, I ignored the internal critics. The insomnia and tension I’d been carrying for the last six months dropped away the moment I entered her home. When she utilized Reiki to cure me of chronic menstrual cramps, I cried.

B Track Rising

Now that death seemed imminent, I hurled myself towards gathering life experiences outside The Church. It didn’t matter what they were, so long as they were not under an Adventist umbrella.

I signed up for a Reiki initiation with Christmas money my Adventist grandparents had given me. The first time I sat in a room with my teacher to receive the attunements, my scalp tingled and my hands grew warm. “That’s normal,” she assured me. “Some people see ascended masters, some don’t feel anything; it really doesn’t matter. The energy knows how to support healing.” My body relaxed the entire time and I left with a ringing “yes” in my mind. I’d felt my heart softening and my ears rang. It was the first enjoyable sensation I’d had in the six months since the Great Panic.

I flung open the doors to whatever life offered, sucking in the unknown as fast as I could change jobs or move cities. Yogis, sword fighters, dancers, astrologers, unplanned pregnancy, Buddhists, intuitives, psychics, acupuncture and shamans, I welcomed them all. Every night I placed my palms over my eyes and opened myself to healing. My breath deepened, the panic subsided, and a vista unfolded, an open plain with room to run.

In the midst of past-life regressions and learning to discern my voice from the A track, I vacillated between inhaling life and standing frozen in space while my Adventist programming screamed, “Devil! Devil! Do NOT go to the astrologer!” Anger at still feeling the control of Adventism gave me courage to keep exploring. I started recognizing the imbedded religious default sooner and sooner and willed myself to continue accumulating experience.

Climbing Over the Edge

After years of field research in the theatre of Life, it was time to make some choices. I wanted to connect to spirituality with a relaxed mind and heart, free from the niggling Adventist by-line. I had enough inspiration to create a plan, but I needed a final piece to bring it to life. Deliberate Practice provided the missing element.

If you want to get good at something, you have to practice the parts you’re bad at. I knew I was only average at trusting in the goodness and safety of The World. I struggled to achieve ease with myself, others, and information that did not fit the Adventist paradigm. It felt like a battle to know my own mind. I knew I resented being raised in a closed system.

I’d also spent so much time viewing myself externally, I had no idea how to get internal bearings. There were no meet-up groups for ex-cult members seeking a new life.

Hi, I’m Jaime. I’m a religion addict. I haven’t touched the church in ten years. I’m figuring out why I became an addict. Now, how do I start living a healthy, clean life?

This was a decade before The Secret came out, so I intuitively offered up my wish. I want to get good at trusting myself, my body and the world. It felt about the same as wishing to see a unicorn. Unexpectedly, things began to roll.

I started seeing co-incidences in my life, too powerful to ignore. I’d meet a stranger in a bookstore and he’d spontaneously tell me about a book that changed his life. Two weeks later, I’d have read Autobiography of a Yogi and be reeling from the possibility of levitation or being at two places simultaneously. Instead of depending on a disembodied deity to purify my dirty soul, I now knew a tradition that taught personal empowerment and ascension.

I met a Theoretical Physicist who was also a Qi Gong master after wishing for a job that bridged the scientific and spiritual worlds. I was offered a job on the spot.

It was difficult to remain untouched by the vastness of Consciousness when I listened to Dr. Lo describe the internal physiology of patients he’d never seen an MRI or x-ray of. He used

Qi, the universal life force energy, to identify problem areas and stimulate self-healing in people. Prostate cancer patients lowered their T-counts, models stalled the aging process, my heart was healed from chemotherapy damage.

After three treatments and practicing his system of Quantum Qi Gong, I went in for an Echocardiogram. The results came back, “Test normal. No further testing required.”

While I still heard the whispers of Adventism condemning “Eastern Religion” as dabbling with the devil, the physical realities of my explorations began to speak louder.

You can bet I wasn’t making a lot of money following these threads, but they were too compelling to ignore. It was as though a large and benevolent force was listening to what I said and felt, shifting the fabric of probability to facilitate my adventure.

One of the most important things Dr. Lo taught me was the importance of knowing the things you have control over when trying to achieve a specific outcome. Once you know where your power lies, you make deliberate choices to enhance your probability of success. The more I looked at life, the more I realized there is always some aspect of your existence where your authority reigns supreme. You can’t always choose your location, but you can chose which thoughts to re-enforce.

A memory bounced to the surface, “By beholding we become changed.” Adventists were talking about the same thing with one minor difference. In the quantum approach, choice and personal power were emphasized. You can affect the outcome by choosing things like your thoughts, your timing and your practice. With Adventism, it was a cautionary tale, highlighting humanity’s sinful tendencies, Just remember, that you become what you spend time with so be sure you pick the Right Side.

Different sides, same coin. My Sociology professor once told me a story which rammed the point home.

Once, there were three blind men who were led to an elephant. Each stood touching a different part. “What is this?” they wondered aloud. One man encountered the leg, “It’s a tree!” he exclaimed. “No,” countered the second man whose hand rested on the trunk, “It’s a serpent!” “You’re both wrong!” cried the third man who clung to the elephant’s tail, “It’s a rope!”

I’m now 14 years old, post Adventism age. According to Rudolf Steiner, this is when humans begin to see the world with a desire for Truth. I’m aware that I am embedded with certain Adventist relics, like an uncanny knowledge of the Bible, and probably always will be. I’m also cognizant of the fact that the rigorous demands of Adventism taught me a kind of discipline necessary to persevere towards a goal. But above all, I know that there is more to the religious pachyderm than meets any one set of eyes, blind or not.