"Do you even have limits?" I forced myself to glare half heartedly at her.

"Of course I have limits. I haven't completely lost control." My voice shook, but I'd be damned if I was going to let her see me break. "I don't do hard drugs or prescription pain killers. I don't do anything to land me in an emergency room. I calculate everything. It'd take a .33 BAC to kill me and 8 shots of my drink of choice to achieve that. I stay below that. It'd take 1400mgs to send me into a seizure or heart attack. It's 10 Excedrin to make it not worth it taking more. I calculate everything. I have limits."

She stared at me blankly then reached up to sweep the pad of her thumb across my face. she said my name and sounded so broken. A voice in the back of my head reminded me she was broken because I made her that way. I realized I was crying.

"Why are you so intent on killing yourself?"

The million dollar question. The one I'd been running from. A pained groan ripped through my throat. I didn't want to deal with this.

"I want to forget everyone I've lost. I can't stand being coherent around people, but I can't stand to be lonely. When I'm drunk or high I feel okay for once. I'm running from so many things, and if I die doing it it would be worth it. Nothing matters anymore. Maybe it never did, but once I was loved and could love. I had a family and dreams. What does it matter now? Noone would miss me."

Half way through my rant I noticed the air around us change. Electric, angry energy shot from her like arrows.

"It doesn't matter? What the fuck do you mean? You think this life here doesn't matter? All of the people who talk to you every day and hate the way you live doesn't matter? That I don't matter? I sit here and watch you die. I turn you on your side so you don't choke to death on your vomit. I pull blankets over you and hold you when you're shivering from starvation, and you think you're unloved? I would trade everyone I know to make you less depressed. If you die do you really think I won't?'

The look in her eyes told me she didn't mean to include that last part. Some things are a bit too raw to say aloud. I pulled her close to me and she sobbed into my coat. I wondered if she can hear my heart racing, so scared of the idea of taking her down with me.

"I'm willing to compromise. I'll give up excessive caffeine. I'll show you every cut and let you tend to them. I'll stop taking so many goddamn pills. Just please don't make me sober up. And please never leave."

She pulled away and sighed, pressing her forehead to mine.

"It's a start."