Letter to my Father

I can't remember when you decided you didn't want to see me anymore, that you didn't want to be in my life anymore. It's probably around a decade.

Ten years without a father is a long time.

I admit, I was glad to see you go. I was sick of your angry silence; sick of only being spoken to when I'd done wrong or you needed to yell.

I was sick of the way you treated mum. She did everything for you! She fucking stood by you for nearly twenty years & gave you her all! Yet still you demanded more.

But... she also gave you children you didn't want & you resented her for that.

Yeh, I know. I heard you say it.

For years I called you every vulgar name under the sun. I hated you so much. I wished so hard that things had been different, that you had been the perfect father.

I used to make up stories in my head of fake hugs, fake picnics, fake bedtime stories; things I knew a father should do, but mine never did.

I still do.

You know you abused us, right? Maybe not physically but verbally, mentally... emotionally.

Maybe you didn't know. Your childhood wasn't perfect, far from it. I know you got demons slung across your back.

But that's no excuse.

You left us high & dry, took all the money & drove away.

But... maybe you didn't know.

Maybe anger was all you knew because that was all you saw as a kid.

So, I find myself not condoning, no, never condoning, but perhaps understanding, or at least, wanting to understand.

I find myself wanting a father.

Still, I don't know if I'm ready & I can't help but wonder, are you?

Sincerely,

Your daughter?