To a Real Doll.

With apologies to Hasbro and Mattel Toys.

Dearest Barbie,

It’s been several years since I’ve last seen you. My beloved, my heart yearns for you and what might’ve been. Where did we go wrong? Remember those early years when you were content to go to simple party and I was proud to be your escort. Then you bought that dream house. Oh how I miss those long walks on that Malibu beach, your interests lay in getting a good tan and clothing and pink cars. My foolish heart answered the call of military service for what was to be a one year stint.

I was content with standard military service but then the allure of the Adventure Team took hold and the next thing you know I was reenlisting. Not a night goes by that I don’t look at your picture and think of what might’ve been. I keep it pinned to my authentic vintage foot locker, The other Joes make fun of me and point out that you’re mostly plastic, that Sea Adventure Joe can be such a jerk. But I know your heart is real and somewhere there burns a spark for what might’ve been.

I’ve read where you’ve been an astronaut, a teacher, Paleontologist, an Architect and a Sea World Trainer. It’s obvious with each career change that you were trying to fill a void in your life. A void that you know only I can fill.

Do you remember that night in your pop up camper back in ’75? It wasn’t the only thing popping up back then if you catch my drift. You in that gold medal, red white and blue gymnast outfit and me with my inescapable kung fu grip, America’s moveable fighting man was putting on all the right moves that night and you were scoring a perfect ten.

Stupid Ken, how could he not know what was going on? Why did he have to choose that moment to handle my gun and set it off? I mean how does that happen?

Have you seen what they’ve done to my guys? We went from twelve inches to three and change. But don’t you worry dear, I am all fighting man.

Well until there’s peace in the world or you become the commanding officer of the Adventure Team, I guess I will have to continue to cling to the what might’ve beens.

Your pal,

G.I. Joe,

The Real American Hero.