An Open Letter to Her

Watch me kill myself one step at a time in refusal to recover from the havoc you reaped on my psyche

You initiated the storm that rocked my foundation and starved me of connection to you and this world. I feel my motivation to be healthy sliding like an avalanche into the abyss to join all the fucks I gave about you through the years, wasted like I wish I was.

Don't worry, we still have a common enemy in me. If I could leave myself I might, but might is something I don't have. If only living had the same passionate appeal to me that you had inspired.

I'll let my anger burn through me along with your hateful words. You thought you couldn't forgive me? I've been holding a grudge against myself for 19 years and I'm still going strong.

I wish I could say I wish you well, but I wish you had never spoken to me. Maybe then I wouldn't worry confiding in others is a precursor to eventual abandonment.

You're right, we've cut each other open one too many times, and I hope this never finds you.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how many bones I broke falling all over you again.