maybe I want to be at this party, maybe I want to be here surrounded by intoxicated tongues and smoky eyes, maybe I want to feel something other than sadness, maybe I want to feel, calm. Calm as in the burning feeling I'm supposed to taste when I swallow vodka, it doesn't actually sting so why are so many people choking on it? Calm as in that tingly sensation I start to feel thorough my fingers. Calm as in my fingers attached to his. Calm as in him. He is calm. I am sad but I mistake it for calm. I am calm, I am calm, I swear to god I am– he's leaning in, I shouldn't be here. No, stop thinking that, I am calm, I am not sad, just take another shot, I am not sad, I deserve to be happy for once. "Wait—" I say, he looks so calm and I ask him if he wants a drink, and we drink, one, he stares at me like I am beautiful, two, I begin to see double of everything, three, him and I become a part of the intoxicated tongues, four, I choke this time but mistake it for laughter, five, oh gos in yhink I hsd too much ti deink, six, his hand grips my waist and everything I do is sloppy, six, he tells me his name but I can barely focus, six, we kiss, six I feel something, six, how many shots have I taken? six, he kisses me again but my lips feel like they aren't there, six, he asks if I want another shot, seven, I forgot how to count, eight, he says something and I can barely hear him, nine, his voice starts to fade, he is calm, ten, he is gone, eleven, I am sad, twelve— (I just want to feel calm.