You, Mom.

You drove me to pieces.

You drove me to drink.

You drove me half-insane.

You drove me to the brink.

You made me want to slit

my throat with a knife.

So I'm gonna call and tell you that

you ruined my life.

I dial the phone.

This is something I have to do -

let you know exactly

what I think of you.

At the second ring

my mouth is getting dry,

but I don't care if what I say

will likely make you cry.

Three rings now.

My heart's beating faster.

I am ready to tell you,

'You are not my master!'

Four rings. No answer.

Mother, please don't be asleep.

Five rings. Oh crap.

Leave a message at the beep.

"Um, hi Mom, it's me.

I'm just calling to say,

that I hope that you have

a happy Mother's Day."