I’ll See You In Heaven

     The things we would say to the ones we love, had we only known it would be the last time.  On March 11th, 2017, my sweet mom, was murdered by her grandson.  Besides my mom, two other people were in her home that night when evil took her life.  God, my mom and two other people know what truly happened - while my family and I, wait for answers; search for the truth.  Although I can’t speak too deeply of the hideous crime that took her life due to an ongoing investigation, there truly is an emergence of light that could expose the darkness of lies and evil that were dictated from the terror and malicious intent my mom endured that Saturday evening. The guilty claims innocence, the lies spread like wildflowers, and the dark evil covers the light but only for a little while…truth will prevail.  

     My two sisters and I, have endured some of the stories of what transpired that terrible night. In theory, and right now everything seems to be in theory except for the dreadful pictures that the detectives hold in their possession, warning us that we do not want to see them. We’ve called the mortuary, only to hear that our tiny, helpless mom, possibly fought for her life by some of the broken fingernails. No one with empathy, could know what we know of this tragedy, and not come out unscathed or unchanged by it. As each new day comes, we wait for the trial, we wait for answers and ultimately the truth. My sisters and I, not only pray for justice but are fighting for it until we can fight no more. We are fighting for our mom and we are her voice to the very end.

     There’s not a day that goes by that my sisters and I, don’t struggle with her death. We must cross this dreadful path together and yet, somehow alone with the anticipation of Gods peace and comfort which He promises in His Word.  My heart and soul is dependent on the strength and peace that prayer brings, especially in the moments that I can’t catch my breath from the deep pains of crying, knowing she is gone forever. The shock hasn’t even worn off yet and sometimes we tell each other, it’s as though she was never real except for the three of us. The dawn of a new day comes, until one day becomes one month and the realization hits that there is no way out of this. I recall my mom sometimes saying while laughing, “No one gets out of here alive”. So right she is, none of us will leave this side of heaven alive.

     My mom was a journal writer, and I hold three ‘golden’ journals in my possession. Journals that to me, are worth more than any real gold could ever offer.  My mom had a way with words, she was not only an artist with photography, but she wrote from her heart in these journals. Poems, letters and iconic thoughts that come to life right off the pages. One day, one of my sisters went to my mom’s home, and took the pillow that my mom slept on, and as she lifted it, underneath was a beautifully typed but old letter to us. My mom had written it several years earlier about being a mother…it was a love letter to us, her daughters. We will never know how long she kept this keepsake letter under her pillow as she slept. One thing we do know however, is that our mom loved her family more deeply and more passionately than any person we know.  Our mom, loved her grandchildren, and the very grandson that sits in jail waiting for trial, and would have died for them without a second thought.  

     Not a day goes by that I do not think of my mom. I miss her every day and wish I could pick up the phone and call her, I've done it actually.  I still write on her Facebook page, and and say that I love her.  Some days are harder than others, and there is a deep pain my heart not just for my mom but the nephew that I still love and must somehow forgive.  I'm learning that forgiveness doesn't mean I must approve of another's actions, nor does it mean I'm forced to keep those that hurt me in my life.  It simply means, that I'm allowed to release the bitterness that would otherwise hold me back from a hope filled future.  

     One thing I know, tragedy has a way of turning your world upside down and you pray that you never take another person for granted. It’s easy to take things and people for granted even now, but my whole frame of mind is different. What I once valued or thought was important, it's the least important. God and family are important, and the rest must fall into place the way He sees fit. Decorating my home, buying things, those are corruptible and won’t leave here with me. Fame and fortune, who cares – not important.

     The important things die and leave you broken and changed forever. The important things, aren’t even things… it’s the love that you give and get. These may sound like clichés but what it boils down to, is love is the only thing that matters. Someone once told me, when someone you love dies, the grief that fills your life, is there because you have nowhere to put the love you hold for that person when they are gone. If that’s true, my grief will never cease, and maybe healing comes in other ways.  Mom, I love you so much – you were the most beautiful person I know and I miss you.  One day, I’ll see you in heaven.

"The only true love I have ever known in my whole life is family - we hurt each other the most but it's a committed love - to the death!"  From Hazel's journal.