Fuck Me
He asked me if I wanted it and I said yes without hesitation. He picked me up with his strong arms and carried me to his bed. My clothes came off and his hands were on me. I knew what to do. This wouldn't be the first time. I knew what I was doing.
He asked me again just to make sure, which was nice of him. "Do you want this?"
I should have wanted it. I should have been consumed with desire. I should have had to run like hell from a fire inside me that no principle, moral, or rule could put out. I should have been begging for it. I should have wanted it.
But I couldn't want it. I couldn't want him. I played the part. The part where you lay on your back and beg like you need it when really I never have and never will. I kept my eyes closed and pictured someone else and that worked until I felt something he had that she didn't.
And just like that.
Dream shattered, fantasy broken, back to reality.
He's here and he's an attractive man and he's the total package. He's everything I wanted to want before I knew who I was. Before I knew what I wanted.
And what I wanted wasn't that.
He could tell I wasn't sure so he respectfully pulled away. I got dressed and he apologized. I told him it wasn't his fault, I just wasn't ready. He looked at me terrified and asked
"Would that have been your first time?"
I look at him, tears in my eyes, and choke on my words as they
come out
"With a man."