Bodily Functions

“What is love but a bodily function?

What is passion? A quest for relief.

In this world of unending distractions,

Love and passion are miserly thieves.”

From a rhymed narration by Sir David Paul, “Bodily Functions,” cir. 1895

Getting Settled

Finally, in my seat. Not very comfortable, telling you. It’s in the middle, between two other passengers. Breakfast meeting, delay with Uber, airport security, and as a result landing into a three-hour “sandwich.” I won’t describe my neighbors. (They might see what I’m typing.) It’s not a perfect situation. I’m squished. Running out of batteries, nowhere to charge them in economy. But I’m bored and in a substantial discomfort, will hurry up to scribe myself out of this three hour misery.

Would you like any snack or refreshments, sir?

Yes, water and tomato juice please, and what do you have here… yes, I’ll take it.

The Complaint

It is not nice. My work is not nice to me. We’ve been on the road for the last fifteen days. Three conferences, endless presentations, hotels, flights. A group of five guys talking about a pill that ...makes you blush. It does some other important things that would not be so interesting here, but that blush feature is a gift of sorts. It’s a yellow pill, a happy color. There has been a ton of interest, we might make it big this time... but still it is not nice I must tell you, not nice at all.

Terrible, junk food everywhere and at all times, laundry service at hotels... they give me clothes all bleached up, I smell chlorine, probably... time zone changes, I can hardly focus on anything for longer than a few minutes, constant interruptions, distractions, demands.... All these discomforts. I’m getting disoriented from these trips. I must rearrange my life, the price is too high.

There is a side of the travelling salesforce adventures that many people do not fully understand. It has been romanticized in the movies: flirting with stewardesses and finding one night stands with random colleagues. The reality is a bit harsher. There simply isn’t enough time, not enough opportunity for anything, however casual. Who am I to meet and how? Should I try to seduce our prospective customers? Competitors? Bartenders? Prostitutes? But then as Sir David Paul quipped in his famous rhymed narration: “What may come easy, may fetch diseases.” It’s tough on the folks, and not very nice. If you don’t use it, you lose it. Those trips, they start getting to me.

My neighbors have been glancing at my screen, I have to cover it a bit... But can’t hide too much from their radiating stares, whatever they manage to read, fine, I’m giving up... It is quite messy with the snacks, drinks, small table, computer on it, passing things over my head...

- Careful, please! Don’t spill… It’s OK, let me wipe it out.

The Turbulence

Announcement. We must remain seated and buckled up because of a turbulence.

I closed the laptop, closed my eyes. Let’s meditate. There is a bright star, its light permeates through everything around it, it has its own planets, there is life on each of them, it sends the beams of warmth towards me, and my body, from head to toes, gets soaked in their heat, slowly, nicely, like I’m melting, all muscles relax, I become lighter, I start floating in the air, I see walrus, it’s looking into my eyes, showing its white tusks, flapping the flippers, moving away from me to hoard its harem; there are many birds; I see a dolphin with an erection, wait, dolphins have penises? I guess they must, but it’s very funny since they live in the ocean, swimming alongside fish, and it’s counter-intuitive to see them like other mammals, say a dog, it’s hilarious...

Sir, sir! Please, is anything the matter? You’ve been laughing a bit too intensely. Are you OK?

- I’m fine, I must have fallen asleep, sorry.

Yep, these sales trips must end and very soon.

The Restroom Break

It’s indicated in an announcement that the lunch would be served shortly. I had to go to the restroom, better run there quickly, before the food cart jams the aisle. I’d risen, and left neighbor let me go by.

As I was making my way to the back of the plane, I was looking at the passengers. Families, individuals, men, women, guys, gals: the mammals, the primates. It was a slow move on a busy path, and I was gradually stumbling through my way to the destination point. To keep things entertaining, I’d started imagining everyone I saw in the nude. The soft, the rough, the tanned, and the colorful - how they might look without their clothes on. That was quite a show. I’d tried to envision all in great detail, down to the shapes of their breasts, their nipple types, hairiness, tatooes, and whether someone might still feature a foreskin or gorge through life without one. The cabin population was generally good looking, and that fact cheered me up.

In the back of the plane now, the restroom was not occupied. I went in, locked up, pulled down my pants, and looked at myself in the mirror. Had anyone imagined me nude as I was walking through the aisle? What would they conclude, I wondered. After discharging a minor duty, I washed up and remained standing and looking, pants still down. For more than two weeks the business kept me preoccupied twenty four seven, and I have neglected an important need that forces itself on by way of erotic dreams and the “undressing-with-one’s-eyes” game. It was time that I took care of that. The deafening monotony of the working engine while somewhat interfering with my thoughts was also lulling, reassuring, and kept all other noises to a minimum.

The Frank Skies

I closed my eyes and started to recall who I saw on the way in. There were a few younger women, rather pretty. Why would they be naked and talking to me? What if we had a flight where nudity was mandatory? A special “Frank Skies” charter would allow no more than two thirds men paying triple price for a ticket while the ladies would enjoy such flights free of charge. The seats would be heated, feature soft disposable covers, and the cabin’s temperature would be kept warm. Every three adjacent seats must have at least one female in them.

After entering the cabin, we start undressing and folding clothes into special bags for a lock up storage. We would be given sheets and blankets instead....

Hello, this is my place 32E. How do you do? My name is Johny. (Nudity makes people more friendly, and not introducing yourself seems rude.)

Hi there, I am Gabriela.

Hi Gabriela, where are you from?

Barcelona, flying to visit my sister who lives in San Francisco.

But this plane is going to LA.

Yes, it’s a roundabout way but I wanted to do it because I loved the idea of this kind of a flight and besides it was free. Could you please help me with that hook behind, on my bra? Thank you.

This is the first time for me. Do you know if we could ask for a separate bag for our underwear?

I suppose so, or if not, you can borrow an extra bag from me.

Awesome, thank you. They are doing such a nice job with the microclimate controls that I don’t think I will need these blankets.

Yes, I agree, it’s like a mid-afternoon on a warm mediterranean beach.

If so, then we should also get wet at some point.

You are so funny.

Oh, no, I did not mean that way. Yes, my comment sounds jocular under the circumstances.

What do you do?

I am a salesman.

Selling what?

Now working for a pharmaceutical start up. We are selling a certain yellow pill.

What does it do?

Lots of important boring things but as a side effect, it makes you blush.

Blush? You mean like makes you red all over?

Yes, as if you were ashamed of something.

It makes me look ashamed even though I am not. That is a peculiar side effect. I hope that I never need such a pill but if I do, I will chose your yellow pill over others, just for the blush effect.

I hope that it will cure you of all your inhibitions as well.

I have none...

A Brutal Interruption

The door lock shook violently a few times. Then knock on the door with an insistent shout:

- Sir, my apologies but you’ve got to get out of there, we are in a turbulence again, we need you out of there for your safety.

My pants pulled up, I’d rushed out immediately and was shown to the strapontin, right by a stewardess, I had to buckle up. Then I saw another stewardess quickly sneaking into the restroom and locking the door. It all came with a woof of an unpleasant odor, and I understood that perhaps the rush was brazenly orchestrated for the benefit of a diaria stricken attendant.

Excuse me madame, are we indeed in the middle of a turbulence or someone sorely needed to go?

The turbulence is always a distinct possibility even in the most friendly of skies. So, that might have been it.

Well, then I could probably get going?

I’d wait, since the food cart is in the way. Besides…

...She glanced at my pants quickly and then set her eyes onto the white clouds in the window. I got it, of course! I had a slight but distinct protrusion, still waiting to calm down and currently vulnerable to an experienced look. I wondered what she was thinking. She might have wanted to suggest that I waited till the restroom was free and then went back to finish up or may be that a walk with the hard on would be embarrassing. I also wondered whether she was visualizing me naked at that moment. Do they have a hidden camera in the restroom or a special split between the doors to see what’s going on inside? My privacy might have been violated but I had no problem with that at all. I would even secretly want them to watch me. Let’s imagine that they did. This stewardess who was sitting next to me and the one who’d rushed in with a diarrhea. Were they surprised at what I was doing inside? Was it a business as usual for them? How many passengers on mid-range flights end up masturbating in the restroom? The flight attendants have probably gotten used to it by now. These thoughts did not help to calm me down, and so my pants got a repeat glance from my turbulence neighbor. She smiled.

The Seduction

While we were sharing this intimate moment and might have been sharing intimate thoughts, Jake the Dragon, one of our team, dashed in and tried the restroom lock. I’ve immediately put one leg on top of the other. Jake saw me.

Hey buddy, what are you doing out here?

Waiting out the turbulence.

What turbulence?... Anyway, you would not believe it, but we got so, so lucky. I just learned from our partners that they’ll be making an offer to buy us out. This means that we are going to strike it rich, very soon!

No, I can’t believe it, they did not seem to show any interest just a few hours ago!

Yep, that was apparently a negotiation tactic. They are going all in, with a fat, fat offer because they need it, our pill, they must have it, it’s a numbers game, as you know. Mam, did he tell you that we are selling a yellow pill that makes you blush?

Blush?

Yes, as a side effect, among other less interesting but more important things.

No, he did not, that’s interesting, indeed.

Oh, well, it looks like there is a bit of a line here, I will go try my luck on the other end.

Jake left. I stood up and looked at the aisle, it was clear of a cart.

There was no cart?

I guess not yet, they keep promising the lunch any moment now.

I thought that you said that there was a cart?

Oh, I thought that there already was one. Sorry!

No problem.

So, congratulations on your orange pill business.

Thank you, it’s a yellow pill.

Yellow, yes, the one that makes patients blush.

It’s a peculiar side effect.

My name is Zoe.

I’m Johny.

Pleased to meet you. After the flight attendant is out of there, may I go in first and then you can go back? I assume that you have nothing too urgent but for me it is kind of getting there.

Sure, no problem. So, you pulled me out of the restroom for your colleague?

I? Oh, no, it’s the flight attendant who knocked. I think that she must have had an upset stomach.

I see. Shouldn’t you be working now, since there is no turbulence?

Not here, that’s not where I work...Ah, you mean my uniform. I am a post office inspector out on a business trip, not a flight attendant, oh no. (She laughed.)

My apologies.. Zoe, I did not mean to...

What,...make me blush?

Yes (I smiled), that’s what we do to people, make them blush.

Over there in the restroom, you spent about twenty minutes, did you realize that?

No, I had no idea. You know, the restroom, at times, is a place for me to roominate about things far and close. I’m less likely to get bored and irritated in there than being sandwiched in a middle seat between two strangers.

I am glad that we’re hanging out here. We both got lucky with a “stranger” while waiting for someone else to attend to her bodily functions.

That’s right!

Tell me Johny, it’s none of my business, of course… I could not but notice that you did not dispatch there your “needs” but were, may be, trying to take care of your “wants.”

The line between those two is rather blurry, at least for me, a busy, traveling salesman. I have not been home for two weeks with another five days to go.

And what’s at home?

Comfort, some people I know…

I like you Johny, I like you. We have a perfect situation. This is the stuff the movies are made of. I am so happy that your friend came in to melt the ice, we would have never had this conversation. Anyway, wait for me out here, I need no more than a few minutes, then come in. The flight attendants will be serving lunch and no one is going to bother us, no passengers: blocked by a lunch cart; no stewardesses: busy with the lunch cart. Besides, the one in there now owes you a favor for breaking your perfect moment with yourself.

I understand, yes, are you serious?

Sure, why not?

Are you married, kids?

Kids, divorced, semi-divorced, but why does it matter? Why? We are just talking about a short while together and then going away to our own respective businesses.

Just like that to discharge our needs and wants and go back to selling pills and postal duties as if nothing happened?

Why nothing happened? I will always cherish these moments: our conversation and what will take place inside the restroom. That is quite sufficient for me.

Aren’t you afraid that I might be infected with some nasty stuff.

But you can give me some of your yellow pills, and I should be fine… No, just kidding, of course. I am only going to give you a hand and ask you to touch me in a few spots, that would do. I am easy that way.

Oh, well, then yes, yes! We are both adults, why not, I guess a casual encounter, casual intimacy, no offense given, none taken.

Precisely, I only need five minutes tops. I could do it myself, you could do it yourself but doing it together is so much better, let’s join forces!

I agree. I don’t think that we are hurting anyone here. That flight attendant hurt me in a way and is hurting you now by making you wait but we are going to be just… consensual, completely consensual, even enthusiastic, why not? Just a quick encounter while others getting their lunch, even a kind of a private environment, nobody should even notice. They should come up with an app, in fact, so that people could express their availability, whoever is on the flight together. There are probably several potential “couples” on this flight that would not mind to do the same. We are so lucky to have run into each other and communicated like two grown adults about it. Again, no one would even notice if the timing is right...

Busted

The neighbor on my right banged her hand on her table and said very loudly:

That’s enough. I’ve seen enough. It is a sexual harassment. You’ve been showing me naked pictures for more than an hour and now are trying to convince me to go to the restroom with you? For few minutes? I am filing a lawsuit when we land, and I am going to get all your money that you will earn from your yellow pill!

What pictures? Your honor, mam, stewardess… sir, (to the neighbor on on my left) hi, how are you? What pictures, please, tell them that I had shown no pictures at all, I am just typing away on my laptop, and the batteries will die soon, we have no electric outlet here...

Well, you’re kind of been more graphic than ordinarily expected of a fellow traveler…

What, why, what do you mean? I am typing for myself, what business you two have in reading what I am writing?...

We can’t help it, sir. It’s a tiny space, you’re smack in between us, you are using large, actually HUGE letters, unusual fonts, people can probably see them from five rows behind, and what are we supposed to do? Our eyes wander and they land, and, inevitably so, they land on what you are typing right in front of them, right in front of us...

We can’t help but read it. What if you were a victim of kidnapping and was trying to alert us with this unusually large bright fonts? We were simply paying attention. But no, you are up to no good. I should not have read it. Next time, if you need any help and try to alert your neighbors with these large unusual fonts, I hope that they will not read it, I hope that no one will read it, ever. Disgusting.

This is preposterous. I am suing YOU for reading my private typing.

Large bright unusual font within few inches of people’s faces is NOT private at all. You had advertised your writing and you got your audience. Besides, you are describing me, right there: the postal worker, you recognized the regalia. A woman. You were trying to seduce me by your writing, your fantasies. Well hear this: I am not easy, and YOU will learn it a hard way.

Yep, buddy, you also overheard that my name was Jake, you must have heard that I was selling a pill, so this closes the circle, you were writing about us. In the beginning you wrote that you were not going to describe us but you did nothing else but indulge your sick fantasies while bringing us into them, this is not cool, not cool at all! And, by the way, so that you know it for future reference, the pills may make you flush, as a side effect, not blush, check your google next time.

Well, well, now my writing is no good….

Excuse me, what’s with all this commotion.

Oh, mom, please, don’t get involved, please, go back to your seat....

Mam, passengers from first class are not allowed to enter the economy side, please, go back to your seat. (Stewardess)

Mom, I’ll come join you shortly, I can’t stand it in here any longer, they’ll eat me up alive.

What? You have mom flying with you, and she is in first class?

Yes, I also have a place there, I have two tickets.

What are you doing in here then? You came to harass us?

I just wanted to do some typing till the batteries ran out. You would not be writing this kind of a text next to your mom, would you?

We would not be writing anything like this ever, next to anyone, even by ourselves, how these things even cross your mind?

You mean to type things or the actual plots?

Did you want to seduce me?

I don’t know how to answer that question without either getting in trouble or offending you. I remain silent...

You keep typing every word we are saying.

That’s the idea, I can hardly keep up with you two but I hope to get it all exactly right.

You must erase it all.

No, why should I?

We are as much the authors of this as you are and have some rights. Erase it!

No, I am the author, and you two are only the standbys, extras lucky to peek into this fine story.

I need to go to the restroom, and when I am back, I hope that you are gone, Sir. (Left neighbor)

You too?! (Right neighbor.)

But I have to go, what am I supposed to do now, stay away for the entire flight? Stranded, like a dolphin on a seashore sand?

Another insensitive analogy under the circumstances, are you guys in cahoots?!

Who, we? I don’t know this prick at all, today is the first time that I ever see him.

Please, watch your language. (Me)

I don’t believe you! I saw you smile to each other.

What are you talking about, when?

When we were boarding, I even heard you whisper.

He was whispering to himself while writing this nonsense, nothing to do with me...

OK you two, I’m done, finished here, vacating my middle seat and leaving you to sort this all out. Good luck now. Don’t visit the restrooms, don’t fall asleep, don’t meditate, don’t whisper, don’t look at each others pants, and don’t even smile. I am happy to be gone, finally. It’s been nice having your noses in my laptop but that’s enough now, the last punctuation mark is the point right here.

Epilogue

Flight attendant: I would like to write a formal complaint about these fellows. I am going to get to the bottom of it. Who knew whom and what was the intention. I am on a business trip now, and will be asking my employer to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against them, on my behalf. This was the last time that jerk flew first class, you mark my words, I am going to get him for all he’s got.