Chapter 1: The Dreamer

It all started because of Marc.

Marc is Marco Fernando; twenty-two years old, Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW), married and a dreamer.

The story of the dreamer began on the thirtieth day of December 1985, Monday, Manila International Airport, Departure Lounge, Philippines: "Calling all passengers bound for Dubai, you have twenty minutes left to board the plane, Thank you!" The announcement nailed in my ears with excitement, hope, and fear.

It was in....

The year 1976 – 1980, Bacolod City, on the island of Negros Occidental, Philippines:

I met Ayah Isabel Gonzales in the college of Chemistry Department at San Jose College, Bacolod City, in the province of Negros Occidental. Bacolod City is the capital city, one of the islands of the Philippine archipelago struggling for development at that time, where students from different towns used to study their college degrees and find their destinies. Different people with different characters met and trade for their wares; a place for newcomers to discover what this place meant to their lives.

Ayah and I were on the same academic course, that each day, we had time to discover ourselves together. I have had taken this Chemistry course just pleasing my father. I was not interested in taking this course, in fact, I hated Chemistry subjects. It did not give me an interesting value with my whole being. It was natural for me to be there inside the classroom, only for the sake of going to school and finished my course. I was too young to comprehend things into proper perspectives. I fall in love with Ayah Isabel, which triggered my inner feelings and thoughts to continue studying. She was the one driving my motivational force to finish my course. Ayah propelled my existence for the life I was treading on and my future. She was a woman with simple outlook in life, but with courage to face the world with dignity. She was brave to confront things that had substance on her life. Ayah's personality made me as a weakling in terms of finding a better life for myself and for her. A strength that I cannot find on my personality, almost, with our lives in Bacolod City, I relied upon her.

My ambitions in life and loving Ayah formed a doubt inside of me. In which, I had undecided feelings which way to move forward; dug deeper with my love for her or find my own course after graduation.

Financial incapability entangled my parents and ensuring to extend my college education faltered. I gathered enough courage to think for the solution that could give me a positive action with my present situation. Ayah helped me with every undertaking I made, even aiding with my day-to-day living. She lied to her parents about the whereabouts of the money she was always asking for her schooling. To augment with my insubstantial entity, we lived together under the same roof without the sanctity of marriage. Our parents did not have knowledge of what was going on with our lives in this stead. We continued schooling with this kind of set up. We wanted to be together always.

I strived hard to find a job to alleviate our situation and could help with my studies but in vain. Ayah Isabel can withstand the poverty, but I cannot. I wanted a life that was comfortable enough for me, my ambitions and love.

I used to sit in the public plaza when I am worn out in finding a job. One day, as I was sitting alone thinking of my dilapidated situation, looking in a far distance of the seashore at Bacolod Seawall, suddenly a guy sat beside me which made me think negatively about him. He smiled at me and introduced himself, "Hi, my name is Edward," extending his hand to me. I accepted his right hand but I was adamant with my actuation. I wryly smiled at him and answered, "Hello, I am Marco.... Marco Fernando...."

"I saw you sitting here in the public plaza when I passed by heading for my job these past few days. And, I think you need some help or, a friend maybe? I worked in a restaurant as a waiter, just across the main street," as he pointed his finger westward feeling agitated. He looked at me squarely and said, "How are you? How about you? Are you studying? Working? Do you have a job?" His action was more of a brother to me.

And I answered, "No, I've been searching for two months now, but..." my words were not formed into a sentence but I looked and sized him up.

"Do you want to work in the restaurant?" Edward asked with a smile on his face. "There's a vacancy right now," as he moved towards me.

"I don't know any job in the restaurant, but I'll try.... I really need a job to support my studies. You know, Edward, I am studying in college right now... maybe I can ask the manager for the schedule of my work? Is that possible?" I asked him with constant confident that deep into my heart I needed a job very badly.

"Yes, I'll recommend you. Come with me, I'll introduce you to my manager."

As we were heading to the restaurant, the sparkling light inside of me multiplied a billion times, hoping something beautiful will come along the way. Those crumpled thoughts that bothered me for some time, disappeared as quickly as the bubbles in the air. Never in my imagination had I felt so close to my feelings and thoughts. What I was hoping for, really on this moment for me to move upward even though I knew, how hard to push those negative things to be materialized.

Working in the restaurant with a salary to depend upon, built my ever changing confident, that helped sustain the rigors of my daily endurance and continuing my college studies. I had done so much of my learning system, wherein I developed my personality to acquire freedom to do the things that I could learn somehow. The negative thoughts inside my head were blown into multiple rays of hope for my goals in life; adding some motivated aspects of my ambition triggered my inner sanctum to prolong the basic human emotions.

I resumed my schooling through the help of Ayah Isabel who supported me from A to Z. Even with my deepest soul, I knew too well that all of these were just stairs to heaven. The most important things that I could revive with my weaknesses were the ones destroying my dependent personality. But even though I experienced hardships on my existence, I was still aiming for whatever hopes inside of me. Battling through poverty was not my forte, and I didn't have the inkling of eluding them. I had such an amazing way of defying myself with what I've learned to fake things that came into my life.

I began to discover things the hard way. I worked as a server in a restaurant near my boarding house. Some customers wanted to know me personally. Others befriended with me. At first, I thought that these people wanted to uplift my well-being and to extend some wonderful things that I wanted in life. I considered my situation and emotion to be cultivated by what I valued as a new adventure to me. They explored me high enough as mountain climbers reached the mountain tops. It was such a feeling of developing your inner self to the people who liked to dig deeper and deeper until you cannot fathom the deepest evil in you.

After my duty hours, I was with them, daily as what they wanted me to, as what they molded towards the new day; drinking spree, parties, and drugs. Nightlife seemed to be the breathing element of my soul. I discovered it, I wanted it, but deep inside my heart, I knew what this meant to be with them. Nevertheless, I continued schooling but my soul and energy cannot withstand the rigors of an everyday event. Even though how hard I tried to run away, still, I kept on coming back and wanting for more.

Earthly things captured me like a prisoner, like a virus eating my flesh, and released the ecstasy within me. Believing that I could extend the wondrous feelings that I discovered, explored and tasted; my discovery made me a fool until I found myself doing the craziness of humanity; money, drugs, and sex.

The more I valued my vices, the more I succumbed to its essence that I could not falter to taste it; every minute of it. The happiness that I felt gives the real meaning to what I wanted in my whole life. But, little by little, it destroyed my self-esteem and even my whole personality. It changes the core of my soul, my being, even my heart, resulting in my downfall. The decreasing energy within me continued negatively. The goals that I cherished most were lost over time. I found myself weak, sad and alone.

I cannot cope up with my life in the city, alone, and it's Ayah Isabel who cared for me, came to the rescue.

Even my friend Edward Ramirez helped me without any boundaries. I released the very core of my existence to the people who loved me. Edward and Ayah were the two human beings that always lifted me up for whatever problems I was entangled with my vices.

Edward and Ayah nursed my soul to be back again. Knowing that I can revive my spirit and resumed the ambition I have had. They stayed for a while and encouraged me all the way.

"Best friend, are you alright now? I'm very happy for the changes...I mean, the changes in you. Glad to know that you can work again. I'll tell our manager about your comeback... You know, he's asking about you and I lied, knowing that I want you to work there again. Yes, my friend?" Edward asked me one day.

"Yes my friend, now I realized... how foolish I was...how weak," I answered crying.

I started to concentrate on my studies for two consecutive years through which I gave a real meaning to it. The vital things that matter most to me were the ones that triggered my motivation to grow. The development that I almost conquered was reeling to be mine; for I excelled for all my subjects, extra-curricular activities, and friends. It's nonetheless a revival!

I joined the college publication to explore the possibilities of motivating my inner self to reveal what's inside of me. A written form of expressing my thoughts and feelings; poetry, short stories and drama guild, healed it gradually. Most of my time, I spent with these activities, not knowing that I was changing the values of my life.

My life now was a reverse of what I experienced during my first year in the city.

The first free verse poem that I constructed was entitled: "Closer to You."

Your beauty captures my heart; your soul surrounds me wherever I am. Perhaps, you are Goddess of beauty? I feel you are endless.

I feast my vision to you, turn towards the light. Perhaps by chance but definite in direction.

I am drawn by the deepest awareness of you which probe my heart to think of you and feel your soul throughout my life.

I know so very little yet feel so much, Oh, it's a great feeling to see your soul! Unable to gaze to your beauty, my soul provides to my heart, a vision...Unable to touch you.

Our soul's touch which sends us to pleasure and our bodies shiver with ecstasy in a oneness of perfection!

I am amazed by you, as you are, you are not far...you are close...

And I held you so tenderly, closer each moment, closer to you!

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