You Don’t Notice

You don’t notice

As the colour slips from the world

When golden leaves and gravel roads

Are noticed outside your heart

And when sleep starts to feel like a breath in

After drowning

When you kick your clothes to the floor

And it doesn’t matter

You don’t notice

Yourself smiling and thanking

And crying when the door shuts

Your window is clamped tight

The blinds get lower

And block out more light.

And you can’t think past

Sweatpants and cereal and going to bed

You can’t see past your jealousy

Of who you used to be

The future is in a haze

Unattainable.

And after all the grief and tears and realization

After your heart hurts and your family looks at you strangely

After you’ve realized that you can only see in grey

And you’ve been having trouble breathing

And your clothes are on the floor

And you fantasize about throwing open the window

And you’ve been in the same sweatpants for three days.

You don’t get out of bed.