10-29-17
"Are you okay?"
No.
I am not okay. Not all the time at least. I don't know how my freshman year that starts today will go. I'm worried I'll fail all my classes, that I'll let in all the goals. I worry about my mother staying alive. No, she's not dying, but I'm still worried nonetheless. What is she gets into a car accident on the way home from work, and I'll never see her, touch her, or hear her voice again? What if she dies and the last thing we did was fight? I can't take it. That's what my mind thinks about when I try to sleep. When will I die? When will my friends die? I can't take it.
On top of all that, there are times I don't, no, I can't get up and do something. All I can do is lay in bed and question why we are here on Earth. I worry that people judge me constantly for my high pitched voice, my shortness, my lack of using makeup, my hairy legs when I'm too lazy to shave, my weight, my interest in computers and writing, my geeky interests, my computer wallpaper, my choice of activities after school, the fact I play video games regularly, and the list could go on with my insecurities, but I'm stopping it here. The point is, I worry. I worry about everything. I'm never satisfied with my work, nor is my father. I'm always thinking somebody is going to out do me, make theirs better than mine. I can't stop thinking about that , especially when there are school projects, and we work by ourselves. Or if it's a group project, I'm worried that people will see me as a bossy leader or someone who doesn't pull their share, which I do. I normally do most of a group project, which makes me upset.
No, I'm not okay. I'm almost never okay. People are saying that I should talk more, when in reality, I'm afraid to talk to most people because I'm afraid they will judge me. Then I write, and I'm getting it all out. Whenever I'm down, I write. But I worry people won't like my writing, or that nobody will look at it. I can't take that. I compare myself to others endlessly. Other girls, other goalies, other dancers, other writes, etcetera. I need to stop, but I'm not okay. I can't stop.
Then there's guys. When you like someone, and can't bring yourself to tell them, so you tell you friends instead. Once you do, they're always asking about him or mentioning him. It's bad enough you only see him in one class, barely know him, and he's a grade above you. One of your friends is on a sports team with him and gets his number for you. You text him the same day you get it. One of friends thinks he knows that you like him. Now they're trying to set you up, which you're okay with, but still afraid. Still worrying. It always leads back to worrying.
On top of all that, you're barely keeping your head above the water. You got your first C on a report card after being a straight A student for the past who knows how many years. Teachers seem to like you, but you're not sure about the students. Some talk to you, but you have to start all the conversations.
So if someone asks me if I am ok, I'll reply with a yes.
But deep inside, I will want to say no.