Missed the boat

Wanted to enter the challenge about fathers, so here we go:

DADDY

He is someone I love more than I like to admit and also the bane to my existence. Most of my problems I can trace back to him. All of my strength comes from him, even though emotionally he is weak. The sheer will to live and survive cannot be fully from my mother. A woman who had a lot in life. Him?Not so much. Opposite really, much like a sad movie with a not so happy ending.

My parents were broken people who should have never been allowed to have children. And yet against all odds, I walk the earth as if death is not my closest and oldest friend. He has always been there since I was conceived. It was barely a normal pregnancy, I was cut from my mother's stomach crying out and I have yet to stop.

I loved my father from the moment I knew what a father was. I always wanted him, but it seems that if I wasn't alone, I was with mom.

He is a jealous man. Who resents the close relationship I (once) had with my mother and not with him. He too was jealous of my blessings. I had a mom who loved me and he did not.

They both loved me. I could never lie and say they didn't. They always made sure to tell me but they always made sure to remain so inconsistent that I had no idea how to function in the real world or socially. He blames her for that. And naturally she blames him.

Growing up I had always thought they were very different people and I couldn't see how they managed to get married. Now I can see why they hate each other so much. When they see the other, they see themselves.

Perhaps this is why I love and hate them both. I see myself in them, it frightens me so.

They were not good examples. They were great examples of who I knew I never wanted to be.

I see me in him and I'm afraid I'll lose myself just as he lost himself to the pain of his hard life. I never want to be so deluded that I believe my own bullshit. That I truly believe I am good, when everyone knows I'm bad.

Fortunately, I've learned to trust myself and my instincts.

A sane person will question their sanity but an insane person will not.

To doubt and to question to is to be self aware. And that is nothing like my father.