Irreplaceable

I realized I was thinking of you, and I began to wonder how long you'd been on my mind. Then it occured to me; since I met you, you've never left. Your smile has warmed my heart, your eyes stare deeply into my soul, daring me to open up and tell you everything, to express my true feelings. Feelings of happiness, excitement, butterflies...dare I say love. There was a bond between us that, even to this day, I've never had with anyone else, something special, something irreplaceable. Your face, your smile, your laugh swam through my mind, taking up all the space, leaving room for nothing else. You were my everything, but I was your nothing.

Weeks, months, years passed, and so did the feelings you once gave me. I forget when I completely let go of you, gave up on you. For good, I would tell myself. I watched you go after girls that didn't love you back, and I tried to block the images out of my mind. For good. But the day came when you were done chasing girls, and you settled down, and you didn't go after anyone for awhile. Then it happened.

The texts came flooding back, like old times, and the feelings drowned me for a second time. When he said the words to me, I couldn't believe it. Butterflies swam in my stomache; those three words meant nothing unless he said them. And he did, he really did. Happiness took over my entire life, you were my everything, and I was your world, and we were happy, we were genuinely happy. Nothing could tear us apart, or so I thought.

I couldn't believe what he had done, but there was no denying it. We didn't speak for days. I was afraid that if I did I would yell and scream and lash out at him, for being stupid and ignorant. When I did try to reach out to him, when I realized the only way we would get through this was talking about it, he ignored me. He shut me out and made me feel responsible, like all of this was my fault, like he had no part in this. He left me in pieces and never looked back, never reached out to me, not once...ever. The end of the school year came and went along with summer. Nothing. When the break was over and I saw him for the first time back at school, we didn't exchange words. There would be split seconds where our eyes would connect, and I would look away almost as soon as I saw his eyes staring into mine. I couldn't face those eyes that I once trusted my life with.

*****

What do you do when you used to be able to talk to this one person about everything, and now you feel as if you need to talk to that person again, you just need to, but you can't do it? You can't mentally bring yourself to do it, even though that's all your mind is telling you to do...it's heartbreaking. Knowing that you've shared so many secrets with this person; your deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets placed in their hands.Knowing that they actually understood you without judging, that you've both been placed in the same situation and helped each other through it. Knowing that even if you regain connection, you start talking again, things will never be the same. The trust will be gone, the feelings, the irreplaceable bond...is gone.