Crushed Heart

How do you grieve the death of a child, who still walks among us? How can you explain to people that the little girl you so carefully nurtured no longer exists? Why are people so quick to assume that I must’ve done something horrible to create such a sick person? It takes a village to raise a child; however, it takes a sick family in a sick community to raise a monster.

I read infant development books. I went to parenting school. I attended parent-infant involvement classes. I understood that my parents were poor role models, and I wanted to do better. My daughter was enrolled in swimming lessons and competed on the swim team. She played T-ball. I gave her violin lessons and horseback riding lessons. I even saw to it that my daughter went to college.

Maybe, I never really knew my daughter. Maybe, she was born with psychopathy. I believe my siblings have psychopathy. All I know is that my adult child is lost, vindictive and violent. All my dreams of seeing my daughter make a difference in this world are shattered. All my hopes of having grandchildren to play with and to watch grow have been taken away.

Everything I have been taught to do by professionals and at Al-Anon meetings (to encourage my daughter to seek treatment) has been undermined by my siblings. I had to kick my daughter and the grand kids out of my home, after she tried to kill my dog in front of the children and beat me up (in the process). After finally ending up in jail for beating and strangling her husband, my daughter gets bailed out by my brother. After ending up with no friends or a place to stay because she has been abusive to everyone around her, my sister gives her a place to stay.

My grandchildren are now safe in a children’s home – but until she is convicted on domestic assault charges, my daughter still controls who is allowed to have contact with the kids. My siblings have accused me of exaggerating, lying and abandoning my adult child. I fear for the safety of my son-in-law and grandchildren. I fear for my own safety.

I have no daughter. All the sane and loving members of my family have passed away. CPS will probably be placing my grandchildren in foster care – as my home is not suitable for children and I do not have the funds to bring it up to foster-care standards. Also, there is no telling what the monster has told CPS about me.

Damn it! I am sad. I am grieving so many losses . . . and I feel so alone.