Christmas Requests

To My Nearest & Dearest,

It's that time of year again - like clockwork Uncle Tom will ask why my boyfriend looks like Jesus Christ while my cousin takes a huge dump on my mom's decor and asks if she got everything from Family Dollar. While I unwrap my 6th bath & body works gift set and contemplate drinking it down and committing suicide in front of everyone during the dessert portion of the evening, families around the world face the same wonderful - token interactions with relatives they see two or three times a year. Let's get up to date on who's boyfriendless, who still lives in their parent's basement, and who dropped out of college to focus on their art.

I just have a few really simple requests to make before we sit down and air kiss eachother hello. My first request is that everyone just skips the what are you doing with your career portion of the night. We all hate our jobs, Aunt Susan - do you like yours? Do you want to discuss your role at Accounts Receivable in the kitchen while there are delectable mozzarella sticks and pigs in a blanket just waiting to be eaten? So let's not ask me what I'm doing with my sad little life.

Grandma: we know you love going out and buying us all gifts but you really shouldn't be driving anymore after your last two-three-ten car accidents.

Aunt Robin: I'm not a size Small but thank you for reminding me of my weight-gain through the form of too-tight JcPenny sweaters every year - I mean it, thank you.

Aunt Michelle: I know you're curious about my Grandpa's sex life but ask polietely in the hallway or even just slip him a good old-fashioned note - away from the dinner table conversation.

Uncle Richie: I know you were raised to see every woman as a waitress but you can get off your own ass and make yourself a drink you horse's ass.

Uncle Frankie: If I have to hear you ask when i'm getting married - I will just launch my face into the piping hot spinach and artichoke dip. I'm happy. I get drunk Fridays and Saturdays. I have a cat who is my child. My boyfriend does what he wants. We travel. We're not getting married. And I mean, what you've been engaged 3 times now and have cheated on all of them? So maybe MARRIAGE ISN'T THE RIGHT PATH. LOL - I'M KIDDING, TOTALLY KIDDING. Love you.

Sister: I know you're TOTALLY IN LOVE with your new boyfriend (the 15th one of the year) but can you refrain from making out with him on the couch - it's like watching Kids Bop Porn.

Dad: We understand it's hard for you, but if you can just not bring up the time I totalled your car twice in one year. SWALLOW THE WORDS DOWN WITH YOUR EGGNOG FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

Mom: Can we not be so stressed out this year about cooking and cleaning that you turn into Kim Kardashian the time she was photographed from a bad angle and couldn't believe anything so horrible could ever happen to her?

Cousins from Arizona: I know it's fun and all to relive your childhood of bullying me but let's just skip the part of the night where you give me wet willies and lock me in the hall closet, okay?

Just take that into consideration. Thank you so much. I appreciate the wonderful prescense of each and every one of you in my life.

xoxo,

Ange & Billie Jean the Cat