Anxiety

Do you know what it’s like to not love yourself? To always have an alternate truth floating around in your head? Do you know?

I know. I know what it’s like to see a fat person every time I look in the mirror. Even though there’s been so many pounds lost; even though there’s a line (a literal line) of men at my door. I still see a fat unattractive excuse for a women. I fake confidence because logic tells me I’m beautiful but it’s not what I see. I know what it’s like to not have friends. To always feel like someone has an ulterior motive. Never trusting people for who they are or what they give you. I know what it’s like to feel like the person you love is only biding time before that concert or that trip you have planned. Just being nice enough that you hold on. Are they jerks; is he an ass - no. But that’s where my mind takes me. That’s what happens when the staple people in your childhood betray you. When you never learn as a child what it’s like to be loved and how to love yourself. You end up this broken shell of a human. Second guessing everything. Pushing through therapy because you know better. I sure as hell can fake it. I have to; I’m not allowed to be sad - I’m the pretty girl with all the friends.