Wedgies Upon My Enemies

My first thought when reading this post was “I wouldn’t accept the wish.” I don’t say that because of a holier-than-thou mentality. This is mostly because I was thinking about that 90s movie Bedazzled with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley, where Brendan Fraser’s character makes a deal with the devil (played by Hurley) selling his soul for wishes. Pretty much everything he wishes for turns around and bites him in the ass. The poor guy can’t win, no matter what… until he makes a wish that isn’t centered around himself. And that’s the moral of the story, kids. Hey, even for an easily forgettable piece of shit, I guess Bedazzled still taught me one lesson worth remembering. That is, never sell your soul to Elizabeth Hurley… and also don’t count on wishes. Learn to be happy, and accept the way things are. Blah blah blah.

ANYWAY. I wouldn’t want the wish. Because the circumstances surrounding the wish would surely be problematic. But if I were granted one wish, and the genie happened to be a very stubborn genie that wouldn’t accept “no thanks” for an answer, I wouldn’t make a wish that centered around me. Not because I lack selfish desires, but because I firmly believe that making even one wish for myself would cause a hundred problems. I wouldn’t wish for anything too general either (such as world piece). Maybe I just don’t trust hypothetical genies, but I get the feeling that it always pays off to be as specific as possible in these scenarios. SO. After careful deliberation, I’ve decided. This is my wish:

Every time someone litters (that is, purposefully dispenses or discards non-biodegradable items into or onto the Earth), I wish that a dismembered, floating gorilla hand would appear in midair, punch them in the face, and give them the superest dooperest atomic wedgie. And if, by chance, the litterbug were not wearing underwear, that a second dismembered gorilla hand would appear holding a pair of underwear, and would place the underwear on the person in order for the first hand to administer the wedgie.

It might not stop people from littering completely, but it sure would make riding in a car with a smoker more interesting.