Fingertoy

I noticed Miley was gone about two hours into the shift. He would usually ask me if I wanted something when he made a run to the store, so I looked around for him in the shop. He wasnt in the bathroom, not using a saw, not in the spray booth. It was just he and I in the shop making cabinets, the owner was in his office, Ronny.

Mikey had been coming in late almost once a week for months and Ronny was pissed. I had seen the glazed eyes of a man with last nights alcohol in his gut before and Mikey didn't hide it well at all.

So I thought they might talking in the office. Just to be sure, I checked outside and Mikey'S van was gone. Ronny was indignant, on the fence about whether to fire Mikey or not. A wife and two kids were a concern, but mostly it was the job that had been promised for delivery the following week that was Mikey's salvation.

Ronny had a habit of talking things out, from financial stress to employee issues, so I knew everything. When asked what I thought, I told him what he needed to hear: use Mikey until the job was delivered or Mikey just stopped coming to work. He will either..

1) Hit bottom and sober up.

2) Hit bottom and do the dance all over again and hit a new low.

3) Hit bottom and kill himself.

I could see it in Mikey. The avoidance, the self pity, the rage held in a stranglehold until it looked like depression. Everyone liked him because he was meek, but full of potential. I had no pity, not for him and not for myself, the traits I shared with him. Fuck him.

"You want to help Mikey? Help him hit bottom the most painless way possible. The straighter the line, the better," was my advice.

I could almost hear the internal dialog in Mikey's head. His father in law was a wealthy minister who was probably quite disappointed with his daughter's choice in sperm doner. They were better off without him around. Every failure a hand shoving him from behind, the future a foregone conclusion.

I found myself angry at Mikey, his enabling wife and Ronny. Sick of how we all tell ourselves bullshit excuses to avoid having an opinion, criticism or derision voiced which might impact another person.

Fuck Mikey, he was a drunk. Fuck his wife, she had to have been getting something out of the situation. Fuck Ronny for trying to cut corners.

Fuck me for having left a good job to get stuck in this situation because I had thought this would have been a good opportunity when, in reality, I just didn't want to be treated like an asshole. But I was an asshole.

But at least I wasn't a drunk asshole.