Chapter 2: Training and Complications

Nari had been at MBC - Magic Balancing Corps - for a week, and things were going well. She was receiving excellent training to learn how to handle the balance between black magic and white magic. It was an important task, and MBC handled it all. It was also an enormous burden.

She hurried down the grey, pristine halls. She had to get to class. Everyone else was in their classes, but she had private tutoring lessons with Andrew right now. And Andrew was waiting for her.

Her mind drifted to other more serious matters as she walked. The places her mind wandered were disturbing to her, but she didn't push them away. It was necessary to consider the things she did.

She found herself wondering about Andrew. Did he give special training to all the agents?

Knowing that he was busy, Nari very much doubted that Andrew spent his time helping the other agents as he was helping her. He had seen something special in her; Nari just didn’t know what it was yet.

She wanted to figure out what Andrew saw in her that had caused him to spend time with her when he could be attending to other things. Nari knew that he had other, far more important things to do. He was the General after all.

Instead, he was teaching her how to lead armies and handle people. She did have to admit, though, Andrew knew how to handle people. In his hands, she became as malleable and easy-going as she had been before her sister and father died.

With Andrew, Nari regained something she had thought lost forever. Not that it mattered. Andrew was kind to her, but it was only friendship between them. Nari knew that was all it would be. What she really wanted was to be loved by someone.

Her mother had loved her, but Nari had spent her life feeling that her mother loved her sister, Hanna, more. She’d never resented Hanna for it, but she hadn’t loved her mother as much either. Her father had loved her, but he was dead. His passing had left a huge hole in her heart, larger even than Hanna’s passing had left.

Now, as she grew older, she realized that she wanted a strong man like her father to fill the gap. She wanted to marry and have kids so that she could have someone to love instead of the empty existence she had now. She wanted a family.

However, it wouldn’t be with anyone she’d met so far. They treated her well enough, but they didn’t love her. Her heart was still cold and empty.

She cut off the trail of thoughts aprubtly as she reached Andrew's office. She had little time for allowing her thoughts to ramble. In order to remain focused and composed, she needed to keep her thoughts under control. 

It wasn't as easy as it seemed. As soon as they began the lesson, Andrew noticed something was wrong and began to take note of it with some concern. “Nari, you aren’t focusing on your lesson. Why?” He placed a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m just thinking about other stuff.” She shrugged off his question, not wanting him to know what she was feeling. It wasn't something she was proud of, and those areas hurt too much to let him probe them like he was doing.

Andrew gave her that cocked eyebrow that meant: elucidate. She shook her head, silently ignoring the fact that if anyone would understand, it was probably Andrew.

“Talking about it would make it easier to deal with, Nari.”

“It’s not something I want to discuss with you.” She turned to him, giving him a hard stare to get her point across before turning back to her terminal.

“Indri tells me that you’ve been having trouble focusing on your lessons with him these last few days too. Is there something I can do?” His voice was soft and gentle, but it didn't fix the fact that he was pushing her.

Nari turned around, facing him with a cold mask. “I told you, I don’t want to talk about it, and I'm fine.” She crossed her arms, pressing her lips together in a tight line.

He gave her a sharp look. “Nari, tell me what is wrong. I want to help. I’m your friend. You have great potential, and I want to help you reach your greatest, but I can’t if you don’t focus on the lessons I’m teaching you. Now this will simply be a waste of both of our time if you can’t pay attention and do well with this. So what is blocking you from doing so?”

“I can’t tell you.” She turned away from him, trying to hide the quaver in her voice.

She sensed his warmth as he walked over to her and stood by her, his shoulder brushing hers. He smelled vaguely of pine trees and amber. Exotic in a way. Then again, Andrew was exotic too, so it was a good fit. His hands rested in a gentle, supportive manner on her shoulders. She wanted nothing more than to tell him what was wrong. She wanted to let him hug her, as she knew he would.

In front of everyone else, Andrew was strong and properly distant, but one on one with his soldiers he was close and gentle. He knew when to be firm and unmoving and when to offer love and compassion. If anyone could comfort her now, she was sure Andrew could.

But she didn’t want comforting. She pushed his hands from her shoulders. “Please, just drop it. Move on with the lesson. I’ll focus; I promise.” She dropped back into her chair at the terminal.

He hesitated, but then nodded. She didn’t need him to offer her comfort right then. She wanted him to respect her privacy, and she could see that he would. She was grateful for that.

***

A half-hour later, Nari escaped Andrew’s watchful, protective gaze, and went to find some privacy. She wasn’t able to keep the tears from streaming down her face as she went to her room.

Normally, Nari kept a tight, tyrannical rule on her emotions. Unless she wanted to display an emotion, it didn’t show. But now the raw, pulsing grief she was feeling couldn’t be contained. She stumbled down the hall that led to her room, tears flowing with abandon.

Soon she could hardly see anything. She bumped into a boy who towered over her. But she didn’t notice this or anything else about him. He tried to hold her, taking her by the shoulders. Generally, Nari felt that when a stranger touched her on the arm or shoulder they were trying to be friendly, but now his touch made her more hysterical. She wrenched out of his grip, gasping for breath.

In her frenzied state, Nari didn’t even think about it. She twisted his wrist sharply and sent a swift jab into his solar plexus with the other hand, leaving him to double over in agony. She hadn't actually hurt him permanently, but she knew she had managed to do enough damage to his wrist that it would be in a brace for a week or two, maybe more. As soon as she knew he wouldn't follow her, she fled. 

In the barracks, she slammed and locked the door, pulling the dead bolt across it. Despite the uncomfortable lumpiness of her mattress, she collapsed onto it, burying her face in the flat, bumpy pillow and weeping.

It took her five minutes to gain control of herself. What was I thinking? I could have broken that boy’s wrist! And all for what? Because I was upset and panicked for no reason. She paused for a moment. It had happened for a reason. Now that Nari thought about it, she realized that it had been brewing long before she came here.

Only before she joined MBC, she hadn’t known that she was missing anything. Her heart had been empty, but she was used to it then, so she hadn’t even noticed. Now though, Andrew and Indri had shown that they cared about her, and Nari had discovered how empty she was. They had shown her the secret longings of her heart without even meaning to. And she had needed it.

But it hurt. Her little outburst had come because she had realized that the way she was now, no person in his sane mind would give her what she wanted. No man would marry her. She was too bitter, and she wasn’t willing to be girlish just for them. She’d spent too long barely surviving to become weak before anyone.

It hit her with a shock. I don’t know how to love anyone. I can’t do it! I’m incapable of it. I’ve spent so long feeling unwanted, discontent, and despised that I’ve forgotten how to return love. So even if some guy was crazy enough to want to marry me, I wouldn’t be able to love them back because I don’t know how!

A knock came at her door, and Andrew’s voice floated through.

“Nari?”

She took a deep breath, trying not to sound like she was crying.

“Go away, Andrew. I don’t want to talk to you.” It was a lie. She did want to talk to him, and she felt bad for lying to him, but she really did need him to leave her alone. As much as she wanted to talk, she knew she needed to do this on her own.

“Nari, I don’t know what I said, but please let me in!” His voice was weary and concerned, and she knew he really did want to help.

“It’s not you!”

She started crying again because it hurt so much that he cared. She couldn't return his love, regardless of what type of love it was. Knowing he cared was a good kind of pain, but not being able to reciprocate his love was awful, and not in a good way.

“Nari?” His voice broke her reverie.

Her sobs greeted his words.

“Nari, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I want to help. Let me in, please.” He knocked lightly on the door again, his voice pleading.

Indri’s voice floated to her ears. He was speaking to Andrew. "Let her alone, Andrew. She doesn't want to see you."

“I have to try, Indri.” Andrew’s voice grew a bit louder. “Nari? Please.”

She couldn’t bear it any more. Sending him away would be like killing herself. She wasn’t the type of person who could deal with her pain without another person to pat her on the back and care. She needed Andrew to tell her that it would be all right because on some level at least, Nari trusted him. Still, she couldn't let him see her like this. She was supposed to be strong and in order to do her job here, trainee or no, she needed to learn to deal with this on her own. 

She squared her shoulders, sniffling and wiping away tears. She was twenty-seven years old. This behavior was just childish. It was time to do what she came here to do. Leave the past behind. It didn't have to keep ruining her life or making it hard for her to be happy and free. It didn't need to keep effecting how she related to other people. Instead, she had to accept that it made her who she was for better or worse, and move on. 

"It's not something you did, Andrew, and there isn't anything you can do. I just need you to leave me alone and let me figure it out on my own." She answered finally, her voice strong and determined now. 

He said nothing for a few moments, then his voice came through the door again. "I get that, but if you do get to the point where you need help or just need to talk, don't hesitate to come to me."