on sanity

"Know what I was like when I came here?"

"No."

"Fucking crazy. Came in with two cops by my side. But I didn't wanna be here so I was fightin'. Hard. And I fucking kicked those cops, they couldn't fucking stop me. I was clawing at 'em and screamin' and shit. I was fucking insane, I'll admit it. Fuck, I came in here crazy. And I'm not telling my friends I'm here, but I sure as hell am gonna tell 'em I beat up those two damn cops."

Her laughter was spastic, her words schizophrenic. She was crazier than the rest of us. Forged from long nights on the streets injecting life into her arms. Cut from the bones of a rabid dog foaming at the mouth. And I was terrified of her.

She chewed her godawful food then spit it out, throwing her plastic spoon onto her tray. Spoon. We weren't allowed to have forks. "Fucking bullshit," she said, "this is all fucking bullshit. You know that?"

I was too scared to respond. I knew her story. She was fifteen years old, a suicidal run-away addicted to meth and heroin. She'd tried to kill herself at least twice. I was just suicidal. Couldn't even cut myself. I was worthless in the truest sense of the word. I couldn't even measure up in the psych ward. She went on.

"Damn nurse making me eat this fucking shit food. Bullshit. It's all bullshit. This ain't helping me get offa meth, you know?"

I fiddled with my impatient bracelet, unsure of what to say. Talking wasn't my strong point. If it was, I wouldn't have been in this hellhole of a hospital. There wouldn't have been a need for me to pee in a plastic cup and strip down to my bare skin in front of two nurses. But I was a goddamn enigma, an introverted piece of shit that couldn't tell her parents she wanted to die.

-

"Do you think I'm crazy?" she asked. The silence had gone on for too long.

"What? No."

She answered for me. "You think I'm crazy. Fuck. Maybe I am. But you sure as hell better not say that. Don't fuck with me."

I proceeded to apologize for nothing. "Sorry. I was thinking."

"'Bout what?"

"Things. Nothing important, really."

"Fuck nah. You can tell me."

I wanted to kill myself. Madly. Desperately. But I didn't have anything to kill myself with. They stripped you of everything when you came into the hospital: your pride, your shoes, your bags- fuck, they even took the string out of my sweatshirt. I sighed, the same thought overtaking my brain. I couldn't even measure up in the goddamn psych ward.

"I think I'm the sanest person here."