Seconds

In seconds my life was turned around. The love I once felt, flew away like ash on a hot summer's day. It felt as if someone blasted a flame thrower right in my heart. I had no emotion left, just a blank face. It never seemed like that though. You look at my face and you see happiness, how? I put on a show, pretty convincing, right? I never thought I could act, but when you don't want to hear those questions you get into this…. this character. What are those questions you may ask. It's all the ones that nobody truly answers, you know what I mean like the classic… Is everything okay? Is something wrong? Why do you look upset? Is there something I can do to help? Those questions are why I put on this show, but the sad thing is that only few really watch. Some just glance and look away, like I’m a commercial on tv that nobody wants to watch so they just change the channel and focus on something else. Some look at me and think she is fine, look at that smile, isn’t she just “perfect”. Only rare does someone watch, only rare does someone look past my little show. Only rare does someone see the truth.That is the sad thing... it's sad that we are so oblivious that we don’t see what's really going on. We just look at the surface, you know kind of like the ocean, we just look at the surface… yay no dangerous monsters lurk near. So we jump in. We think it's okay, we splash around and enjoy life, but we only looked at the surface. When deeper down there is a pack of bull sharks waiting for their innocent prey and just like that it's all over with. Although this is a crazy analogy it's true to what some people feel. Like they are the prey and every shark is something new that just causes them to feel this pain and worry that something might happen that, that will be it. You see I’m okay with people looking at the surface, sometimes. This prevents those questions. The question where I die a little more on the inside when I hear it because I know in my heart I will never be able to answer it. I can't answer it because, because…. I’m not okay. Do you think someone dead inside who is putting on this show is truly okay? Do you think I can answer it honestly?

You might be thinking, she isn’t this blank canvas with no emotions, but how would you know. You never looked past the surface, you never asked me those questions. See I hate them with a burning passion, but at least it shows me that you care. See if you care too little you will lose them. Some people act like they care, but don’t. Some care but never say. Some say they care, but don't. I will never believe you till you prove that you care, I've been hurt to many times to trust in words. Now, you may ask how am I supposed to do that, but if you really cared you would know how to show me.

I will not be okay till I find a way to live without that love I once had, which made me feel like I was a dove flying through the air without a care in the world, but now I'm just floating like a dead leaf, who with one touch can fall apart, I have no sense of direction. In seconds all this happened, how? Those seconds I could have changed, I could have stopped it all. In seconds...