Her Name was JoAnna

She laid her head on my shoulder. I was eighteen, she was twenty something. It was out of character, but in a good way. The kind of way everyone hopes for in cheesy romantic movies. We were in HC, a little internet café around the corner from where she worked. She looked great like she always did back then.

As soon as she realized what she had done she said she was messing with me. I believed her, it was still the best moment in my life. A young me, just recognizing her sexuality, having feelings for a woman who just might return them. It was astounding. She was astounding. From that moment forward, she was all I wanted, but everything that I couldn’t have.

After she brushed it off, I was practically flying. Every time she looked at me I’d freeze up and try to stutter my way out of it. It was awful, but it was the best two years of my life.

A few weeks later while we were working on a project she ran her hand through my hair. She wanted to ‘feel’ it. I could ‘feel’ her nails gently scrapping my scalp. The goosebumps I got in that moment stayed with me for days. She’s the kind of person you can’t not think about, especially with her fingers in her head.

I remember the first I saw her. She was standing at the door, and I was looking for that exact door. I couldn’t fathom being in a room with her constantly so I didn’t think that could be where I was assigned. She was a goddamn goddess. Glorious in every awkward step she took and adorable every time she gushed over Dr. Who or Harry Potter.

I loved her. I’ve never said it out loud, and even now I’m not and I won’t, but she gave me something. She gave me confidence. Before her I was too scared to think of having a crush on another woman. I wanted to be with her, and even now I think that I could maybe have a chance. I could make something of myself, go back to her and tell her how I felt and pray to god she felt the same way. She was everything to me, and that might be because she was the first real crush, but one would think I’d be over it now. I’m twenty now, almost twenty-one and she is still constantly on my mind.