Let the seas carry me

The ocean was never my thing, I was more of a "land lover" as they say.

It took guts for me to come out here, that, and losing my dad.

He was the sea faring type, the kind of person who'd spend days out in the open water.

He'd always tell me, on land, "everyone always says they'll go wherever the wind takes them. I just let the seas carry me, can't count on wind all the time, but the water, she'll never let you down."

Not sure what that nonsense meant, but he was smart, wise and a loving father, despite torturing me by taking me out on the water.

The day before he passed he told me to do whatever I wanted with his boat, it was mine to sell or keep or give away. I told him, I'd sail out in the open water and spread his ashes out on the water.

He joked and said he wasn't being cremated, and that he'd have to dump his body overboard, it wasn't too funny at the time, but now I guess it is a little bit.

So here I am sailing, with a friend, to go out and spread my fathers ashes, and conquer my fear of boats and the seas.

It's been a few days, and I promised my dad I would be out there, deep in the ocean, untamed seas as he called them.

The further we ventured, the rougher the waters seemed. My friend, the captain, was confident we wouldn't run into too much trouble, but he was cautious, my kind of friend. If my dad were here, he'd be searching for rougher waters, to "build character".

Although caution was on my side, the ocean wasn't, a massive storm ran into us, with waves reaching thirty plus feet, our tiny vessel was pushing its limits, thankfully the captain had a boat just like this and knew his way around it.

Water spilling in, waves crashing on the sides, I felt as if my sense of direction was thrown out. The cold salty water doused me and taught me a hard lesson, know yourself.

My dad loved me a lot, and I rejected it, at times, for many reasons. I was rebellious, uncaring, hard and I pushed everyone away.

I don't know why, my parents couldn't have loved me better, I just didn't want to listen or accept it, I was foolish, I didn't know myself.

This lead to lots of bad decisions, poor life choices and overall I was unpleasant and didn't know what I wanted. I was hoping this trip would help.

As the waters raged, so did my heart. I was angry at my dad, for loving this dumb boat, for dying, for loving me, for being the man I wanted to be, but refused. I was mostly angry at myself though, all this time, my whole life, spent rejecting love handed to me daily.

The boat rocked violently, and it thrust me overboard, I clung for dear life on the edge, my hands were slipping from the cold slimy sea water. A huge wave struck me from behind and engulfed me. I couldn't breath for a second.

With all my strength, lifting and pulling, I managed to hoist myself over the rail. The captain was too preoccupied to notice me almost die, managing a tiny vessel in the unforgiving seas is sort of a tunnel vision job.

My cabin was just a few feet away, I crawled there, not trusting anything at this point.

An hour passed and the waters calmed, the captain told me we were out of the worst and it was clear skies and glass like water.

It must have been early morning, just before the sunrise, he went to sleep, I stayed up and lounged on the deck waiting for the sun to greet me.

Then the light peeked, off the horizon, it exploded around me in pinks and oranges, yellows and purples. Clouds streaked across and looked as if they were painted by the sun itself.

It was a glorious morning, my dad would be in heaven, well that was a poor choice of words.

Taking the urn I went to the rail, the ornate vessel was heavy and simple. My fathers dust blew as it drifted down on the water, floating by I watched for a good long while, until I couldn't see it.

I understood why my father said to let the seas carry him. He didn't care to get anywhere fast, he wanted the tides and gentle waves to carry his boat, the wind was just something to get him to that spot quicker.

I can hear him now as his ashes float on the tranquil majestic ocean "let the seas carry me". I kept that promise, they'll carry him forever.

Walking to my cabin I looked again at the sunrise, I laid in my bed and cried for the first time in a long time, a therapeutic cry. I cried myself to sleep.

I love you dad, thank you for your love.