Despair.

Regret.

Longing.

Guilt.

Those are just a few words that come to mind when I think about you.

I remember bringing you home. You were nervous, but excited. You always were nervous. It came from your past, whatever that was. But you tried to be brave, tried to be everybody's friend, even when they made you unsure. I remember how unsure you were of me at first, but you got over it quickly.

After all, you knew I was there for you. Just as you were there for me.

I will never forget the way you curled up on my lap. The joy that came from your funny face. How endearing your stupidity was. It made me laugh. You lit up my world with that light in your eyes.

I remember how determined you were. Though small in body, you were huge in heart. No matter what, I never saw you give up. Not once.

And I remember how frustrating you were. How you could make me so angry, but then, in the flash of a second, you could brighten my day again.

And I remember that day. That day I lost you. That day was the worst day of my life. I've had rough days, but nothing so bad as that.

I was holding you in my arms when you took your last breath. But at the time, I refused to believe it. It wasn't until I saw it for myself. Saw you, lying there on the table, that it dawned on me. I remember it every day. I will remember it for the rest of my life.

And now, I feel a pit in my stomach. I feel a hunger to find you. To reach up into heaven and to pull you back down.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to lose you. To have you taken from me so suddenly, so unexpectedly. I find myself searching for air. You are my air. You are my world. And the oxygen was sucked away as my world burned around me.

You gave me light in the darkness, color when it was black and white. But now, everything is muted. What was bright has turned dull. I hear a buzzing in my ears. The buzz of silence.

The ache in my heart turns to knots in my back, pain in my legs that threaten to keep me in bed until noon. It turns my arms to jelly, prevents me from jumping in myh car and driving away. I feel sick. I feel nauseaus. I feel weak.

Each time I think of you, tears feel my eyes, though they don't always fall. Sometimes, I have shed so many tears, it seems I've run out.

I would tear the earth apart if it meant you could return to me. My fists would strip mountains down until they were nothing more than rolling hills. I would scream and cause the rain to cry. The ground would crack beneath my feet with a simple lulluby.

I feel so guilty. I feel responsible. You were in my care. I promised you when I brought you home that I would protect you. That I would keep you safe. I feel like such a failure. I broke my promise to you. It was a promise I should have been able to keep. I only hope you can forgive me because I doubt I can ever forgive myself.

My heart bleeds its hurt I feel. The guilt. I loved you more than words can tell.

I miss you.

I love you.

Goodbye.