In the Quiet

I'm an introvert, so I crave time in the quiet by myself. However, I'm also a young mom and in the rare time I get alone, my head is normally swirling with all the ways I've failed my kids. I wasn't patient enough, engaged enough, fun enough, fill in the blank enough.

If I'm not beating myself up over the ways my parenting needs help, I'm thinking about places I'd love to travel, or things I hope to accomplish with my writing career. I think about my family and wonder how they're doing...specifially my two aunts who have each lost a son in the last two years. I think about my mom and how much she loves her sisters and worries about her own kids, as all moms do.

I love time in the quiet. It soothes my soul, despite the criticism I fling at myself. I'm comfortable with my own company. That isn't to say I don't have a lot of personal growth and work to do, I know I do. I may not like everything about myself, but I actively try to work on the things that need polished, or to change.

The older I get I realize that quiet is a luxury and being able to enjoy the quiet is a gift. There was a tie in my life when the quiet was something I avoided at all costs. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts. They were loud and condemning and angry and sad and confused. I would fall asleep every night with my headphones in, playing music, so that I wouldn't have to listen to all the arrows flying at me.

At the end of it all, I love the quiet. I need the quiet. Next to snuggling kids, it's my favorite place to be.

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