Where does my mind go?

((TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE))

It goes to a lot of places, an endless world, galaxy, universe, multiverse, it will never cease to go somewhere new and unexpected. I find it rather impressive but I bet everybody’s mind does the smae thing, just in their own ways.

Despite my attemtps to stay in these new advetures I always find myself wandering back to a certain person, my dearest friend, my only, who lays in her velvet coffin and withered buds. They commited suicude.

I’m not the only one who lost someone so dear to them due to suicide, I find comfort in that(as weird as it sounds) knowing I’m not the only one who is suffering with the after affects of this terrible act unfortunately, I also find more sadness in it knowing how often it is commited and the precious lives that took themselves will be burried away.

I sit on the edge of my bed every night and sink into the never ending depths of my mind as the world around slowly fades away and is replaced with the familiar sight of the city, the roof of the apartment building we lived in together, the moon always smiling down on us as out feet dangled just over the edge and our laughs filled the air, the smoke of my cigarette rising up and clouding the star lit sky.

Now it’s quiet and it hurts to think about it, about you. I find it ironic really how I always use to complain in the back of my head about how loud you were talking but now that you aren’t here anymore I do nothing but crave your voice once agian, the silence never ceasing to tear apart my mind. The moon does nothing but frown down on me and the city seems empty and cold, I no longer see your feet dangling next to mine and more and more smoke fills the sky...the only thing keeping me company is another empty pack of ciggaretes by my side.

I don’t blame you for wanting to escape and I’ve never felt anger towards you for leaving me alone, I never could, I only felt anger towards myself for never speaking up. I would ask you every night on that red-letter roof-“How are you?”- Your reply would always be the same-“I’m fine.”-and yet I knew the entire time that was a lie, I knew there was more hidden behind that bloody statment of yours and yet, I never spoke up. I thought maybe you didn’t want to talk about it or you didn’t want me to get into your personal life but I realise now you were really screaming for help behind that fake smile.

I KNEW, yet I never spoke a word. Not a single peep came out of my mouth about your constantly depressed state, you became more distant and our conversations became short, you didn’t smile anymore and you never did the things you loved to do before. We were bestfriends and I knew something was wrong but I was too scared to beleive it and just let it pass. How could I? I am so sorry, I failed as someone who cares, I failed to help you when you needed help the most. So...when I say I don’t blame you for wanting to run away, I see why now. I am such a horrible friend.

I didn’t need to be told when you left, never to return again, I felt it in my heart. A whisper went through my body and my mind went numb, I couldn’t feel anything and yet I felt everything, a horrible feeling. It only grew worse when your parents came and told me, when they questioned me and begged for answers as to why their precious child would do such a horrible things to themselves. The guilt began to weigh more on me, my bones splitering underneath it all, I told them I saw the signs but that I never did anything because I was scared to. They told me they forgave me, those amzing parents, but I know they really hate me.

I could say sorry over and over again yet I know it will do nothing, I’ll still say it again and again. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...for everything. I remeber how much colder it felt that night, the night you left, I remember you looking at me and suddenly kissing me, those warm lips of yours, you told to never give up. A voice screamed in my head telling me to help you, to ask why you were acting so strange, but I only kissed back and smiled-and then I waved. You told me you’d head inside in a few minutes and even while that voice kept screaming and begging for me to stay and help, I climbed in that bed with the growing pit of fear in my heart. You never came.

I question myself everyday about what I could’ve done diffrent and yet I know it would do nothing but make your passing even worse, so now I look back on those last blessed words you gave me and I will never give up, never fall in. When the moon hides its face froms the beaming sun I find myself back on the edge of my bed, this is where my mind goes when it’s quiet and I’m alone. Everyday, everynight, every moment...

it goes back to you.