When She’s Home

“You frighten me”

       Not the most romantic of words, but if she understood why I say them, she would forgive me. (That’s why I only let the words fall on deaf ears.) In this moment, horror and beauty look the same in my heart: her head is rested on my chest, and my bicep supports her back. My arm bent at the elbow so my wrist can reach to scratch her scalp, lulling her to sleep in her favourite way. I calculate my position for her every night I get the chance, making sure my legs can be her blanket and my breasts can be her pillows. I give the illusion that *I* hold Her, that *I* keep Her safe; but it’s her that is my protector. And my destroyer.

       She’s been gone a few weeks, and while she’s away she takes my heart with her. She leaves me with a promise though, the promise that she’ll return; and it’s just enough light to keep me warm until she does. It’s just enough light to remind me that my broken pieces are still just that - broken. The shade between the cracks holds the darkness of my past; but she makes a fire that casts dancing shadows in and out of everything I know. She makes my demons dance, they forget who they are. They only know that they are loved, by this strong and beautiful creature laying on my skin. My insecurities feel comfort. My anger feels calm. My sadness feels welcome; Because she accepts everything that I am, and creates everything that I’m not - and somehow I’m a whole person. Somehow, I’m allowed to be broken and whole at the same time.

      I’m made up of pieces, and she kisses each and every piece with her lips, and reminds me that it’s okay. When she comes home, she remakes me into a warrior, dressed in flowers. A fighter without armour, and I am terrified. 

      I love her like I’ve never known was possible. I trust her like I’ve always known was impossible. This woman is my storm, my struggle, my glue, my sunshine, my core, my love, my fire... My Forever. And when she leaves, My world falls apart. She is the most powerful woman I have ever met. In this moment, she is the most powerful woman there ever was.

“You frighten me”. I tell her again.